Newly pregnant at 43, and not a baby person

[bringonthestress]

So, after spending my adult life averting pregancy, some to-ing and fro-ing with gynae-issues, I am suddenly, unexpectedly and reluctantly in the club. DP, fully aware of my inability to relate to babies, tried to play it cool and made out that he couldn't imagine becoming a father so late in life (50), before eventually admitting to tearful delight at the prospect. Now feeling trapped, scared and sort of mugged by the whole situation. Really don't know what to do. Terrified of all the fawning interest, prodding and cooing that goes along with pregnancy, and now also scared that a failure to mae the best of it will mean curtains for me and dp. Can anyone shed any light?

I had DD when I was thirty, and was definately not a baby person, I much prefered cats People would ooo/aaa at pictures of babies and I just never got it.

Luckily all the hormones kicked in, and when my DD started kicking too it started off some really strong feelings of protectiveness towards a part of you you never knew existed!

There is nothing like seeing your babys face for the first time, admitedly, some people perhaps don't feel that, but for your baby you have to put up with all the prodding/cooing just to have them and you want to share them with other people.

how old are you? Did contraception fail?

I'm not a baby or child person at all. Won't help at school etc etc

However I adored my first who was a double contraception faliure so much that I had 3 more.

I think just try and be realistic, it is hard work it does change your life a bit but it is fantastic and you don't have to become all mumsy and into babies/children. Talk about your fears and concerns it all helps.

they are not babies for long. quite soon - really very soon - you have a child, which is a quite different proposition.

your partner sounds like he wants you.

fawning interest can be kept to the minimum with icy stares. there isn't much prodding. although it is an intensely physical experience, i won't deny it.

could you make it work?

Nobody can prod you without your permission - that would be assault.

Feeling trapped, scared and mugged is the normal state I think of the unexpectedly pregnant woman. It doesn't me you won't be a good mother and it doesn't mean you won't love your child. That's what we're talking about here - a child. Not just a baby (charming as they can be) - your child. Somebody whose life will b formed out of a mixture of your genes and experiences. Somebody who will be like you and like DP but also not like you, individal and marvellous. You get to see the world that yo think you know so well through their eyes and see them grow up to take charge of thei world. It's all bloody amazinbg actually.

There will be times when you have no money, no patience, you're fed up of the whole thing. That's life. But you also get the upsides and that's huge.

It sounds like your dp really wants to go for it. It's your decision but I do think you need to factor in that if you ended the pregnancy against his wishes that would be a very hard thing for your relationship to overcome.
There's a thread on here for 40 something mothers. here Take a look.

Babies are bonkers but very interesting. Fascinating to watch them quickly turn into humans. Prodding & cooing can be avoided if you channel Spock and raise a harsh eyebrow. The bit where they learn to speak is beyond fascinating - how they do it, why tghey do it, what they have to say for themselves. Its like your cat suddenly turning round and complaining about the cat food they've had for years, you will be open mouthed.

I had ds1 at 38 and ds2 at 41 to the utter shock of everyone who knows me. Have always been the all-about-career woman and not into babies at all. Dh is still the more naturally maternal parent but we are both delighted that we decided to embark on this new adventure.

Good luck!

I am not a baby person.
Ds was a contraceptive failure. We were never against having kids, just not sure either way tbh.
I found being pg and the first bit of his life hard and boring, but since he reached around 12 mths he has been a complete and utter joy to us both. He is now 3 and gets even better every single day. I am just pg with no.2 and though I do not look forward to the first few months, I know it is only a brief period of time before the fun bit starts.

Fwiw, I was never prodded. Never so much as a gynea examination. No strangers touching my bump or anything. Only once, when my Aunt rubbed my (non-existent) bump was I pissed off. Fawning interest is a bit annoying at times, but it is not as relentless as you imagine. Most people don't even notice for the majority of your pg anyway.

I'm not a baby person. Many years of marriage with no thoughts of babies, and even my mum assumed I'd have dogs instead. I like children and thought I could 'live with' the baby phase to get to the more interesting bit.

The whole of my first pregnancy I struggled to feel that there was a real person in there. I didn't bond with my baby straight away; e.g, I remember thinking when DD was a day old that if a mad gunman came in and wanted either DH or DD as a hostage, I'd hand over DD. But 2 days after the birth I had such an indescribable surge of love for her I thought I would pop. The mad gunman would get DH any day of the week now and twice on Sundays.

This has been such a positive experience for us, I'm pg with our 3rd.

I'm not a baby person either, in fact after having 2DC who I totally and utterly adore, I still don't class myself as a baby person.

If I am going to be completely honest, I don't actually like other people's children.

I don't enjoy other people's children at all.

I find them boring , attention seeking, and annoying.

Arrgghhhhh, I've admitted it.

On the other hand, I think my DC are amazing, funny, bright, strong, and extremely nice people.

I don't boast about my DC in RL, since I wouldn't want to bore my friends.

twigsblankets I agree with you! I make exceptions for some of DC friends, but only because they are good enough to come up to DC's enormously high standards!

Oh having a baby is a larf, go for it.

Parenting is fine, it's what you make it. You don't have to buy into all the fluffy crap, spend a fortune on Brora baby cashmere, wear milk-stained maternity tops, or put a 'little princess on board' sticker in the back of your Porsche. It isn't compulsory to spend pregnancy sitting by an open window in a rocking chair cradling your bump and staring mistily into the middle distance (though you might think it is if you read too many of the wrong kind of pregnancy books). Giving birth doesn't suddenly make you morph into a different human being from the one you've been for the previous however many years, you just carry on being who you are, and you and the baby sort of muddle through and get along as best you can, and have a lot of fun into the bargain.

I had my first in my mid-twenties entirely accidentally at an age where when we announced it we could see people having an internal struggle as to whether 'congratulations' or 'bad luck' was the appropriate response. Lots of people reacted as if we'd said we were going to give up our lives and move to Wales to breed goats. Actually some of the time we felt as if we'd volunteered to give up our lives to breed goats. But it isn't like that, really. And then I had my last when I was nearly as old as you (clearly I hadn't got any better at counting to 28 in the intervening 13 years, as my dh helpfully pointed out). But she's lovely too, and it's still a lot of fun, even though it all still drives me a bit mad from time to time, and my house is not as clean as it could be.

Some things will have to give a bit, you can't quite "have it all" -- but you can have most of it if you're lucky, and easy-going and have a supportive partner. You'll sort out some childcare and a work-life balance that suits your set-up. You'll still meet up with friends, and some of the time you'll talk about babies, and some of the time you'll talk about Middle-Eastern politics, or Grazia magazine, or what are the best boots to wear this autumn. You can drink wine and go out to restaurants.

The baby-in-tow bit is fun as well, and you can adapt it to suit you. You don't have to go to mother and toddler groups if you don't want to, but you'll find that there's a lot of fun to be had messing about, hanging out, watching a small person who is partly like you and partly not like you do their stuff and grow and change and love you.

It's a lot more fun than having a kitten.

Oh, and congratulations.

i spent most of my first pg largely terrified. i had a planned cs so didn't do the whole labour/ birth thing. it was very odd - i knew ultimately i was going to end up with a baby, but had absolutely not the first idea what i was supposed to do with it.

i was very dissociated about the whole thing. but, you know, ultimately, dd1 arrived, we got on with it, and these days (ds1 and dd2 later) i sort of admit that maybe i am a baby person after all. tis a funny old world.

congratulations on your unexpected pg (a friend of mine became pg at 42 having been told that she coould never have children - a month after they had bought a speedboat lol).

my only advice is to carry on and see what happens - i'm sure it will all be fine - life does take some unexpected twists and turns, and play a few tricks along the way.

I am a baby person, but just wanted to reassure that I have not been touched at all through the whole pregnancy (am 32 weeks), except by DH. I think it's quite easy to give off a don't touch vibe

Yes, congratulations!

I was emphatically not a baby person. Career girl me. First baby at 37 and can't pretend that I didn't find the first few months jolly hard. Mainly because I tried to adopt a problem solving attitude to my son rather than just enjoying him. Over 4 years later, I have (11 daysago) just had dc3 at 41 and feel immensely lucky to have three children and very very sad that (as a result of 3 sections and thus a very thin uterine wall) I can have no more. It has and I am sure will continue to be the greatest adventure of my life.

another not baby person here too. Have just celebrated my son's 1st birthday and am. oh god. nearly 42 . The year since he was born has flown - he is no longer a baby but a little toddler learning to walk and talk. I hate hate hate being pregnant and the first six months of a baby's life are such hard work but my baby is a delight and the best thing I can ever imagine in my life. He has brought such joy to my life and the life of his dad and grandparents and aunties it is just unreal. He is starting to speak now and you'd think no baby ever uttered the word "mama" to hear me go on. But I would not consider myself to be maternal at all.

There's not a huge amount of prodding goes on in pregnancy and no one can prod you if you don't want it.

I wasn't on the receiving end of any fawning or cooing either I can assure you- I guess I am not the type who looks fawnable over. I didn't tell a lot of people I was pregnant - let them figure it out for themselves.

There is a thread for mums who are over 40 and have young 'uns on the Chat board.I am a regular poster on there and you would be very welcome to come and join us. We are a sensible bunch of old bats and a fair few have had the first child at around your age. Maybe we will be able to give you some reassurance re your current trepidation??

the old bats with babies thread

Hi bringonthestress. I can totally sympathise, I was so down being pregnant, and felt trapped and found the whole thing (babies etc) extremely boring, while others around me twittered on about it excitedly, I would just stand there and think my life was over.

My life before babies was very enjoyable and carefree and thats how i liked it, and really had the hump about it being cut short by some baby. I didnt have any maternal feelings at all, until my dd was born. When she was born i found her completely fascinating and fell totally in love, they learn so quickly and you get to watch another person grow and develop right infront of you, something you dont get to see if you are not a parent. Now i cant believe i didnt have kids before, we just do all the same things, but with a much loved companion, which makes it even better. I sometimes think society makes out as though this motherhood lark is unappealing, and that having freedom and an 'proper' career is much more rewarding, but ive found it very different from this. Ive found it like an adventure. Cue me planning for lots more!

I like tiny babies okay, but start to feel like Twigsblanket once they start to move around.
That said, dd is the sunshine of my life. Worth every bit of my research career that's going to pieces...
And NOBODY ever touched my belly (or anyhting else) or commented on my appearance. You'll look angry enough what with the hormones and all that people will be very, very careful.

I'm not a baby person either but expecting my first just before my 43rd birthday. I'm not really enjoying being pregnant either. I've no idea what I'm letting myself in for really and quite daunted by the whole thing, however I'm sure once the baby comes I'm sure I will not regret it for one instant! I bet you won't either! All the best and its good to know women can still be fertile at 43, since I'm hoping to get preggers again soon after having the first so the baby can have a sibling.

Hi I am also 43 and pregnant very much planned but still so shocked and sometimes wonder what on earth I have started. Hope I will get used to it and relax