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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Slightly gutted I'm having another boy - please come and tell me how ridiculous I'm being!

50 replies

ohgoshanotherboy · 02/10/2009 11:31

Already have a girl (3,11) and a boy (1,9) and just found out I'm having another boy. Hadn't realised I had a preference but both me and DH thought it might be better for DS if we had a girl as then he would be the only boy which might be nice for a middle child. Also DD wanted a girl (in the way that little girls like all things girlie).

I know I'm being ridiculous - I mean I already have a girl - it's not as if I'm girl-less!I also know I am incredibly lucky to have had all my children so easily and I should be grateful that all are healthy. I also feel really guilty for this little baby inside me but I can't stop thinking about the girl he could have been.

Please tell me 1. to stop being ridiculous and 2. how great boys are

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

flybynight · 02/10/2009 14:03

I have two boys, 14 months apart, and they are as different as chalk and cheese but absolutely devoted to each other. They are now 8 and 7, and I still have to go in an separate them into separate beds after they've gone to sleep because they love cuddling up together. How could you not love that!

And when I look tired because of this pregnancy, one of them will always sneak up behind me and cuddle me and say "oh poor mum, Don't worry about dinner, beans on toast will be fine"

I have a daughter who is also the apple of my eye, but I'm focussing on my boys here! I thinking I'm going to go and cry some happy hormonal tears...

jellybeans · 02/10/2009 15:40

ohgoshanotherboy my older DD said 'oh no not another boy' when she found out DC5 was a boy but now he is here she is besotted with him as are all her friends.

kisses1973 · 02/10/2009 15:52

Sorry this is going to sound harsh be grateful you are having a baby at all.

i've just had a miscarriage and would do anything to be in your position

GhostWriter · 02/10/2009 16:05

OP, it's normal and natural to feel the way you feel. It is unfair of others to say you're ungrateful or that you should be ashamed. You are not sad about the child you're having but a little disappointed by the child you aren't. That's nothing to be ashamed of, it's very common indeed and will pass before you know it.

I have nothing against finding out the gender but think it's very important to remember that they tell you only one thing about your child and nothing else. My scan told me I was having a girl. That's not a lot of information actually. She's also wickedly funny and incredibly kind and boisterous and happy and loving. None of this is anything to do with her gender.

The only sad thing about these threads is that they tend to bring out the stereotypes- boys love their mums more, girls stay around in adulthood etc. I'm one of the people VanillaIce refers to when she says other posters took that other thread about boys too seriously. What I actually pointed out was that of course boys are fantastic, as are girls because they're wonderful gifts and their brilliance is nothing to do with their gender and everything to do with being a child that you love so much you didn't think you were capable of it.

Don't be ashamed, this will pass and when that crumpled, red baby is placed on your chest you'll care not a jot.

flybynight · 02/10/2009 16:10

Hear hear, Ghostwriter. That was beautifully thought out.

agingoth · 02/10/2009 16:12

my boys are wonderful- and chalk and cheese.

Your boy will be a person not a gender and you know you will love him.

Focus on his individuality and uniqueness not his gender.

MarshaBrady · 02/10/2009 16:17

I do think it must be awful for those who have had mc to see these kind of posts.

And that their reaction isn't unfair. It is true some women would do anything to be in the op's position. There's no point in trying to squash these reactions imo

herbietea · 02/10/2009 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GhostWriter · 02/10/2009 16:35

MarshaBrady, of course you are right. Those who have had mcs (I include myself in that category sadly) must be allowed their reactions. Of course, they must grieve. The OP of this thread must be allowed her feelings too. There is no other experience out there that precludes you having yours.

There is room on MN for all sorts of people to receive support, those pregnant, trying to get pregnant, sad that they are pregnant. It is wonderful that the whole spectrum can be catered for.

This thread came from a honest place and is about the OP's individual situation.

There is nothing unfair about anybody's honest reaction to anything but it is certainly unfair to judge somebody whose situation differs from yours.

MarshaBrady · 02/10/2009 16:39

Oh yes Ghostwriter I agree with that wholeheartedly.

There is room on mn for everyone to say how they feel, and then for others to react. Part of life's rich tapestry, (feeling in touch with humanity today!)

Original poster

ohgoshanotherboy · 02/10/2009 16:57

kisses I'm really sorry if I have upset you and I do completely understand how awful what I'm saying must sound when you have had a MC or are struggling to conceive, and can I say that I in no way think that my situation is serious or in any way comparable to the real and awful loss many people have been through.

But thank you ghostwriter for understanding and not judging me, especially having been through what you have. I know my situation is pretty trivial but I do think no-one should be judged for having the feelings they do - I am responsible for my actions not my feelings. If I were to tell my new DS that I wished he was a girl then I absolutely deserve to be judged for that but not for having the feelings that I do. If a new mother is so sleep deprived and depressed that she thinks of harming her baby then I don;t think she should be judged, if she actually does it then that is a different matter.

FWIW I think I am already pretty much 'over' my intial small disappointment and can't wait to meet my little baby. I know how lucky I am to have him inside me and I know he will be just as loved as his brother and sister are.

OP posts:

crumpette · 02/10/2009 20:46

My DD died this year not long after her 1st birthday and I am now pregnant and expecting a boy. I don't find the OP offensive at all or ungrateful.
I had the same reaction, albeit for slightly different reasons (I really wanted another DD) when I found out the sex of this baby. After less than a week that disappointment passed and I'm now excited and really looking forward to meeting my DS.
Even though my baby girl died, I don't find threads like this horrible or reactions like this ungrateful. I think it's just an honest and real reaction. So don't feel bad ohgosh I think it is a natural reaction if you had a preference but I think that will pass very very quickly and you will be happy to have 2 DSs close together. Congratulations

claireybee · 02/10/2009 20:59

Stop being ridiculous
Boys are great

Better now?

Actually I do think girl, boy, boy is quite a nice dynamic

jojochanel · 02/10/2009 21:02

ohgoshanotherboy - I completely understand how you felt at the news. I have 2 boys and am pregs with a third and I have a feeling it's going to be another boy. I've always desperately wanted a girl - I think it's really driven by a fear that they'll drift away in later life and may not involve me in the way a daughter would. However I also know that it's down to me to make sure that they don't and having a daughter is no guarantee of a great adult relationship.

I knew in advance DS2 was a boy and I was initially disappointed but when he was born I honestly couldn't have cared less and he and his brother (2 years apart) have such a cute friendship that I feel so pleased for them that they have each other - confirmed by the fact that my DH is very sad that he didn't have a brother.

When I'm feeling wistful about not having a girl to dress up in pink glittery things I always remind myself of my friend who took four years to conceive through IVF before getting her boy. She had to watch us all pop a second and told me how hard it was coming to terms with the fact that she knew she would only have one. I'm fortune enough to have two healthy ones and another on the way so I count my blessings every day for that.

Original poster

ohgoshanotherboy · 02/10/2009 21:25

thank you crumpette. I'm so so sorry to hear about your DD and thank you for your kind words. And congrats on your forthcoming DS!

thanks jojo - I too am truly grateful for my 2 healthy DC and for this one too. I think it is possible to feel blessed for that but also a little sad thinking of the DD you may never have.

told my DD at dinner and I caught a fleeting moment of disappointment on her face but she didn't say anything negative, just gave a little smile, and we are going into town tomorrow to buy the new baby an orange and red ( her choice!) outfit

thanks everyone for your comments

OP posts:

jojochanel · 02/10/2009 21:35

I know - I hope I didn't sound like 'just be grateful FGS' cos I am also feeling a bit sad at the fact that DC3 will probs be a boy. It's not that he's going to be a boy cos I know boys are fab - it's more than I'm not having anymore and that means I'll never have a daughter

Was in town today and looked at that Pol. Y Pyret stuff in Frasers and they had some lovely orange and red boy babygrows in there. Only thing is you need a second mortgage as they're about £18 each!! (and when you're on your third can you really justify that?)

paddyclamp · 02/10/2009 22:19

Don't be harsh on the OP...she's only bein honest and can't help how she feels!

happyjules · 02/10/2009 23:20

I don't think you're being ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with having a flavour prefrence. I have twice (and got it).
I have also had a mmc this year and am fine with the op being honest. If I am fortunate to get my third child then I will probably still have a prefrence but will also have faith in my ability to love whatever flavour it may be.
Just be kind to yourself and give a little time. Good luck

MelindaGordon · 03/10/2009 06:17

I am about to have third boy. Felt like I should be disappointed at the scan but wasn't but seems like other people are disappointed on my behalf (including complete strangers who asked if I knew what I was having and to whom I made the mistake of telling).

I have four brothers and they all are very close despite having varying age gaps and in different parts of the world and my own two (5 and 3) are so close though very different.

Longtalljosie · 03/10/2009 09:28

I think this really is the last taboo of pregnancy... these threads come up so frequently, it's a really common thing to feel - and people who don't feel it do have a habit of jumping on them. I don't think it's fair. I confess I did want a girl - and I got one. A friend wanted a girl - and got a boy and yet loves her son to pieces.

I disagree with those who say not finding out the gender at the 20 week scan would put paid to this - there's no way we know for definite some people wouldn't have these feelings at the birth - far better in a way to get them resolved before there's an actual baby perhaps?

katnkittens · 03/10/2009 18:16

Congratulations on your little boy

I feel some people have been very harsh on you, I think a LOT of people have secret preferences, I know I always have, I wanted boy, girl, girl and that is what I got so I was very lucky.
I'm now pregnant again and having thoughts that this one might be another girl.... I always thought if I had another one I would want a boy to even things up but I'm not that bothered, I had 2 miscarriages so I'll be happy with a healthy baby!

I'll be honest and say had my 2nd DC been a boy I would have actually been disappointed as I really wanted one of each.

If it makes you feel any better, I am the oldest of 3 and have 2 younger brothers, I did always want a sister but I get on really well with my brothers and I have plenty of friends who really dont get on with their sisters....

Pleased you are feeling happier anyway and good luck with your pregnancy

morocco · 03/10/2009 21:31

girl boy boy is lovely family dynamic you'll love it congratulations!

GoppingOtter · 03/10/2009 22:12

oddly i was at a junction today and a girl boy boy family crossed in front of us - i actually thought how adorable it looked

good luck - been there - never looked back x

Original poster

ohgoshanotherboy · 03/10/2009 22:43

thanks for all the supportive messages. I agree I think this is much more common than people think, much like the loving one child more than another - seems so awful that no-one wants to admit to it but surely it is better to be open about it then pretend the feelings don't exist?

jojo - you didn't sound at all 'just be grateful FGS'! I am just aware than I should be very grateful for what I do have. Thanks for the tip on outfit buying - will have a look!

Saw a few RL friends today and told them I was having a boy - wierdly three different people seemed to know that I was feeling a bit funny about it (didn't say a word to that effect) and were really understanding and kind - one was even due at the same time as me but had a MC.

I also told my dad and stepmum and both seemed disappointed! No idea why as they have 4 granddaughters and this will only be their 2nd grandson... anyway it made me a bit defensive and protective of this little boy growing inside me.

OP posts:

GoppingOtter · 03/10/2009 23:11

yes ohgod - nothing like a bit of that to make you love your little boy even more
i have 5 boys - all very very different

dd is the hardest work x

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