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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant with our 2nd but DP very angry

44 replies

cafuffle · 22/09/2009 21:13

I've just found out that I'm pregnant with our second and DP is furious. DD is 13 months and we'd talked about whether to have another one but he'd been against the idea.

He's currently giving me the silent treatment and is accusing me of deliberately getting pregnant. This isn't the case. I did miss taking the pill a couple of times but I told him I had on both occasions and gave him the option of using something else. So I think he was aware of the situation and therefore in my opinion is as responsible as me. However all he said is that he knew I'd get pregnant and has stormed out.

What would you do? I can't stand the silence and part of me wants to try and make him talk about it. Or will that make things worse? I'm worried if I push it he'll say he doesn't want the baby and that will drive a massive wedge between us. However, I just think things will fester more and more if we carry on in stony silence.

Arrrrrrrrrrrgh

OP posts:

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 24/09/2009 14:10

Foolish man - he'll come around eventually but not before he's made even more of an arse out of himself. Ask him if he'd really rather lose his dd than have another just like her?

Comma2 · 24/09/2009 15:00

God, what an idiot, sorry to say. Also v. sorry you have to go through this.

MollieO · 24/09/2009 15:11

The MAP isn't contraception so I wouldn't expect to take that if I had missed taking the pill, told my dh and he didn't bother to use anything. He consented to the risk of you getting pregnant and it is a bit late now for him to change his mind.

If he was so adamant he didn't want anymore children then why didn't he have a vasectomy?

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 24/09/2009 15:16

Good point, MollieO - why should the responsibility (and therefore blame) always be on the woman? He said he "knew" she'd get pregnant - well yes, that's what happens sometimes when you have sex with fertile unprotected women! As I said earlier, he made his choice, if he didn't put enough thought into it that's his look out.

I hope you have some good real life support other than him to help get you through this, op. And remember we're always here to listen!

JustAnotherManicMummy · 24/09/2009 15:27

Oh dear. Sorry Cafuffle. I expect once he's had his sulk (stupid way of making a point...) he'll most likely come round to the idea. Maybe not until the baby's born, but if he loves your DD so much it's likely he'll feel the same about this new baby.

Perhaps because he's so old he can't remember where babies come from? And that it takes a man and a woman?? Any way that's not helpful but I am so on your behalf.

Even if he never comes round to the idea you, your DD and new baby are a family and you will make it work.

Jennylee · 24/09/2009 15:46

sorry cafuffle, hope he realsies he don't want to lose you and stops being like this, mine is now depressed!!!!! depressed I'm the one feeling sick

RumourOfAHurricane · 24/09/2009 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

somethinganything · 24/09/2009 21:09

cafuffle I really do hope he comes around and am so sorry you're in this situation. I guess just try to concentrate on looking after yourself, your DD and growing bump.

FWIW, my father was over 60 when I was born (his second marriage, my mother a lot younger than him). I couldn't have wished for a better father - so I genuinely don't think your DP's age is a problem.

Doesn't matter whose fault it was, he's not a child and needs to take responsibility for his actions. Hope he comes to his senses soon.

BarakObamasTransitVan · 20/10/2009 18:48

cafuffle and Jennylee - sorry for reviving this but I was wondering how you're getting on. I'm in a similar situation and, quite frankly, it's bloody awful. I spend a lot of time here because there's no way this baby gets talked about at home and I almost feel as if it's all in my mind, iykwim. I'm avoiding my rl friends (have told two, very close ones) because it feels weird talking to them and not to my OH. MN feels a little less odd for whatever reason.

Neeko · 20/10/2009 19:59

Hi Barak Not in the same situation as you but didn't want your post to go unanswered. Hope RL sorts itself out soon for you and in the meantime you get the support you need on here. How pregnant are you?

Jennylee · 21/10/2009 09:59

hi Barack... just saw this, after the depression that I mentioned earlier in which he did not eat and acted like an arse drank a lot for 4 days, he then apologised for being so horrible to me and upsetting our son and has got over it. Now we can talk about it fine, but it was 2 months of total nonsense and him being an arse. Now he just wants it to be a girl like our 15 month old so they can play together and as he thinks a boy would be like our son (wild and overactive for first 8 years) So now things are fine and it is as if we planned it. apart from we will have to try and move as only have small 2 bed house, but we needed a room for dd anyway. We even make jokes now about whose fault it was an he is okay now. I hope Caffufle is doing okay.
It is shit having no one to talk to about it though, I only went to show him double buggies yesterday but have been obsessing about them for nearly 3 months now.

Original poster

cafuffle · 21/10/2009 11:26

Hi Barack, sorry only just seen this.

He's stopped being a total arse but it's still a pretty much unmentioned topic! I did mention the other day that I'd booked a NT scan in a couple of weeks time and that didn't illicit another week of sulking and grumping so I'm quietly optimistic that he may be coming around slowly. I'm going to stick with the plan of not mentioning it until the scan and see how he is then.

I know what you mean about it being weird not talking about it. I hadn't told anyone else until last week, when I decided to tell one of my close friends and it was very strange to hear someone congratulating me and being pleased! She made me feel so much better and even happy at the pregnancy which made such a difference. It made me decide that it was pointless worrying and regretting things and that I should just be happy and look forward.

Altogether feeling much more positive and happy about things and glad to hear that Jennylee's OH has come around!

Hope it works out for you.

OP posts:

BarakObamasTransitVan · 21/10/2009 11:40

Thanks for answering, both of you. Neeko I'm 6 weeks. Jennylee, glad to hear your dp's stopped being an arse. His initial reaction is much like my oh's. I hope cafuffle's doing OK, too.
Try as I might I just cannot get my head around being depressed about it. Angry (though just not with me - there were two of us invovled), yes. Anxious, yes. But he seems to feel like its the end of the world (which it is, I guess, but in it's place a new one). He keeps saying that he only wants to be a father to ds
Thing is, ds will be absolutely thrilled and he's one of the reasons that I absolutely do not want to have an abortion. He's older, like your ds, and absolutely loves younger children and babies. I know ds hasn't got a clue about what they entail but I seriously think he'll take it in his stride (without being put upon, iyswim). Last time he asked if he could have a little brither or sister I said "I don't think so" and explained that it would mean he'd get even less of us - his reply was that that was fine, and he'd help with the baby and the baby could share his room (no need - we have 3 bedrooms, but anyway). Obviously I've not mentioned this pg however.
Money is a big issue. We're OK financially but I'll have to go back to work within a year if I do have this baby, which will cost a bloody fortune but is do-able. We could jiggle about our hours, perhaps work a few less a week each (I need to do the sums to work out the optimum) and make some economies (less wine, better planning) but I don't think dp is happy just to "get by". He seems to think we'll be in "penury" (his words). I actually feel that focussing a little less on work and more on our home and family would do us all good...
Feck. I'll try and talk to him some more tonight. But its lonely being the only person that wants this baby.

BarakObamasTransitVan · 21/10/2009 11:44

Ooops, missed your post cafuffle
Glad you're feeling better. I have a feeling that it may go a similar way with us - hopefully total arse will just become, er, arse.
I feel better knowing that there are other arses around (sorry that sounds like I'm glad your dp is being an arse, but ykwim!).
I'm sure that when my friends know that I am keeping this baby (which I'm about 90% sure of) they'll be thrilled, and ds's reaction will be the icing on the cake.

Original poster

cafuffle · 21/10/2009 16:02

Ha ha, the world's full of them isn't it?!

I'm sure you're right though and I'm sure DS's excitement will become infectious.

We had numerous arguments/grumps where my OH tried to persuade me to have an abortion and in the end I just decided to say 'It's not happening, I can't have an abortion' and left it at that. Once I made that decision and he knew it was final he seemed to realise there was no point going on about it anymore.

That seems to have lifted a lot of the pressure off and I've just left him to get used to what's happening in his own way.

OP posts:

Jennylee · 21/10/2009 17:00

What helped me stop abortion talk was to leave a file on the computer which had information for patients on what abortion entails, even really early ones. my dh read and said we can't do that that is hellish. He thought the abortion pill was just like a magic sweet - you take one pill and then get a normal period - no more pregnancy. its not like that it is 2 sets of pills that make you pass the pregnancy, and it can be bad it can be okay. You have to have a scan so they know the gestation or heartbeat or something, which my dh said he could not see it and then do that to another dd. Maybe your partner think it is a simple pill adn everyhting would be fine, unfortunately, thats no abortion thats a time machine they are thinking of. I actually have a friend this has happened to aswell and he acted like an arse, when she miscarried he was so upset and apologised to her and told ehr that if she gets pregnant again he will be different and he was sorry he never let her enjoy it.

Jennylee · 21/10/2009 17:01

your ds will love it mine was 9 and a half when we had dd and he loves her and he does play with her, she finds his antics very entertaining sometimes.

BarakObamasTransitVan · 21/10/2009 17:23

"thats no abortion thats a time machine" - brilliantly put. I think you may be right. I have had an abortion - years ago - and chose to have it surgically having heard horror stories from two of my friends who'd gone the drugs route. That abortion was the right decision - this time it wouldn't be.
I think I'll print some stuff out from Marie Stopes or somewhere. Nothing pro-life because I can't bear the way they're presented (it's not that I can't stand the truth - but the hyperbole pisses me off).

Jennylee · 21/10/2009 17:48

I feel the same way, I don't look at pro-life stuff either, just the bare facts are enough. Some men don't know anything about that kind of thing though, its just a word to them that means my life remains as I want it, she just goes and gets it done I'm okay everyones okay.

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