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Original poster

sick of attitude towards my second bump

26 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 01/09/2009 11:15

First time in laws and my family were ringing every day from the second I found out, to ask how I was feeling, see if we needed anything etc.

This time, even when I go round no one says 'oh how are you feeling?' everyone forgets I'm pregnant and if I say I can't have something because I'm pregnant they roll their eyes and huff and puff. Had a row with dad because he started seeing his arse because I wouldn't eat prawns when we were in a foreign country. He gets very angry if I say I can't do something or I feel sick or anything. So I don't mention it at all.

DH's family are constantly trying to get me to drink. At my hen night they kept begging me to drink even though they'd promised DH they'd keep an eye on me and keep me safe- they left me somewhere and I had to go and get a taxi home on my own (we were away for my hen do so I didn't know where I was). On my wedding night they kept asking me to drink saying they got drunk when they were pregnant etc. When I go to MILs, she always offers me wine and when I say I can't she says 'just a couple' or 'I'll put lemonade in it'. I'm not a big drinker when I'm not pregnant, so why would I drink now?

Hmm... Just feel a bit down I'm 15 weeks now and yesterday my sister asked how I was. I cried because she's the first person to ask me all pregnancy.

Yesterday, had a row with DH as he said I 'use' pregnancy and 'feeling sick' to get my own way (just because the heater blasting in my face was making me feel really sick) and that I'm 'always poorly'. Well yes I am. He did apologise afterwards and said he just was snapping at me because he had a bad headache.

But even so... it just feels like I'm a burden to everyone really. If I ask for a little help with anything, everyone says no or acts like I've asked for a mammoth favour when it's something tiny.

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LadyStealthPolarBear · 01/09/2009 11:17

they're all awful! Were they supportive in your first pregnancy? Is this both your family and DH's?

colditz · 01/09/2009 11:17

I felt like this thorughout my second pregnancy. I just got really bolshy and stopped caring how people treated me - because I started treating myself properly.

LadyStealthPolarBear · 01/09/2009 11:18

And I do think some people (DH...) milk things, but not wanting to drink or eat shellfish abroad when in early pregnancy is not being over the top! WTF do they care if you drink or not!

lal123 · 01/09/2009 11:23

YANBU - but unfortunately a second pregnancy is very different from the first! Stick to your guns re the not drinking and try not to let other people upset you.

FWIW - re the being left alone on your hen night to make your own way home - that's a prety cr*p think to do even if you'r not pregnant!

gorionine · 01/09/2009 11:24

{{{hugs}}} Poor you! people forget that already having a child does not necessarily mean that it will be easier the second time round. They seem very selfish + ignorant if they intend to make you drink agaist your will while you are pg.

Is your SIS arround? Is she able to balance your ILs behaviour by supporting you?

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 01/09/2009 11:24

They were all really quite supportive in my first pregnancy. Dad would say 'it's not an illness' all the time, but he would want to touch the bump now and again. Nothing this time. I was quite over the top in last pregnancy because it was my first and I was warey of everything.

This time I've barely mentioned being pregnant. Even though I am constantly sick and exhausted.

I've a feeling I'm cross posting right now as it's taken me so long to write this (chasing DS round)

OP posts:
mrswee · 01/09/2009 11:26

Poor you! what a nightmare!

Abubu · 01/09/2009 11:34

Hi,

Try to forget about their lack of consideration. Don't let it get you down.
We announced my second pregnancy to our families a few days ago.

My Mum and Dad hardly reacted (but that's just them) and my inlaws said "You're joking" with a not particularly pleased looking expression.

No one has yet to even say congratulations.
I am only 6 weeks so not announcing it to anyone else yet but I hope that my friends reactions will be a bit more positive.

LadyStealthPolarBear · 01/09/2009 11:36

oh dear congratulations Abubu!

Abubu · 01/09/2009 11:57

oh dear congratulations Abubu!

Thanks !

LadyStealthPolarBear · 01/09/2009 12:00

the oh dear was to their reaction, not to your news - hope you realised

kathyis6incheshigh · 01/09/2009 12:04

I have discovered that going into posh maternity shops on your own is the answer. The staff make a fuss of you just like they would if you were pregnant for the first time!

notjustapuppymum · 01/09/2009 13:01

Also, don't forget your emotions and hormones are all over the place and the very fact that you think "everyone" is being like this with you, rather than just one or two people - is an indication that it's probably you being oversensitive or misreading things, rather than everyone you know all acting the same way.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 01/09/2009 13:21

Dh has noticed it with both families too. He said he can't believe the difference and the fact only one person has asked how I am and how bump is doing. No one even asked how the scan went or asked to see pictures this time. They knew when I was going as we struggled to get someone to have DS.

Posh maternity shops sounds like the way forward for me!

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pooexplosions · 01/09/2009 13:39

Its even worse on the third! I'm 34 weeks with dc3 and hae been painting, furniture removals, plastering and general dogsbodying as well as having a 5 and 2 year old to look after, and no-one (including DH) tells me to sit down and makes me a cup of tea! Bump is completely ignored and so it seems am I......

I feel for you. You just have to mind yourself and ignore them all, its the only way. x

bevlin · 01/09/2009 14:10

Oh they are all shit, and everyone else who posted similar stories.
I can't stand my in-law's for various reasons but even they say 'oh how are you keeping' when they see me.
I've noticed a few people like my in laws and not so close friends have forgotten about my scans but that's maybe because I don't see them as much as my family or close friends so they won't be kept as well in the loop.
Well, if it was me, when they all suddenly rushed round to your door the minute the baby is here, hounding you when your 2 minutes in the door (as in-laws do), Id be saying 'oh sorry too busy, too tierd, come back when it's convenient'. Don't make the time for them when it suits.
As for the drinking thing, what a bunch of numbskulls. Again, my ignorant in-laws are a bit the same, oh just have a glass of wine, it's xmas or it's so in so's birthday - but at least when I say no, they maybe give it one more 'one will be fine' then leave me alone. Im starting to like my in-laws, poor you! x

TXB · 01/09/2009 14:10

It's really sad to hear these stories. Each child is just as important as the other and to not get the support from your familes when you need it the most is absolutely awful. I'm pg with my 1st and yes, everyone is making a big fuss on my DH's side - it's the 1st grandchild in his family but it's the 4th on my side of the family and the reactions aren't as excited. lol.

I'm just happy that my friends are there for me... I guess in times like these you must remember, you choose your friends not your family. So share the scans and stories with your friends instead. If your families aren't going to react, your friends most certainly will and be very excited for you.
Good luck. ;-)

LadyStealthPolarBear · 01/09/2009 14:14

I do drink while pregnant, but the thought of being pressured to do so fills me with horror!
Plus, while DH and I haven't had the time to be as excited about this baby as DC1 (endless hours on the sofa feeling the movements, long conversations about names etc) in a way this is more exciting - we already know how fantastic DS is and so can't wait to meet DC2. Plus he or she won't just be our child, he'll be DS's brother or sister too!

holliejobber · 01/09/2009 14:21

Same here for me. Im on my fourth. My friends seem to care but OH family don't seem to care and OH is the worst, i even moved the washing machine a couple of weeks ago and he didn't bat an eyelid. I have decorated 3 rooms by myself without him even offering to help. Only my friends seem to tell me to calm down. At least no one is trying to force alcohol down my throat though. Thats horrible, you should pretend to get completely pissed one time and see what their reaction is then. Lol.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 01/09/2009 14:29

What tops it all off for me- is my best friend wont have anything to do with me as she'd been trying for a baby for a year. I was to be her bridesmaid next summer but she's sent me an e-mail saying I'm not even invited to the wedding now and can only go to the night do People are so mean this time.

Sounds like there's a few in the same situation though!

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LadyStealthPolarBear · 01/09/2009 14:30

wow that's awful, how on earth did she phrase that? I hope you're declining!

wasabipeanut · 01/09/2009 14:33

I feel for the OP and for anyone else experiencing subsequent pregnancy neglect! I am 18 weeks with number 2 and whilst my own parents and most of my friends have been over the moon for us(especially knowing that I had a mc at the start of the year) my in laws said "oh, well we'd guessed." That was it. We were so excited about telling them as had kept a lid on it for 13 weeks and it really pissed on our chips to put it bluntly. We stayed with them recently and my MIL couldn't have been less interested frankly. My SIL has a 2 month old and knowing her she thught we were doing it deliberately to try and hog the limelight - she has this thing in her head that DH always has to go one better than his sister.

DH is over the moon though and has been doing any night shifts with our 2 year old DS so I don't feel too rough in the morning. His reaction is what matters to me.

God knows what it willbe like if we have a third. Will people even notice??

BintOfBohemia · 01/09/2009 14:34

They all sound horrendous. I had similar experiences with my second pregnancy - in fact my family didn't even bother coming to see DS2.

I have since realised they are toxic and I see them rarely these days.

I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this - just surround yourself with supportive people and give short shrift to anyone who isn't. You don't deserve this, protect yourself whilst you are pregnant and vulnerable. They won't like it but sod em, they're clearly not thinking of what's best for you.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2009 14:35

If absolutely everyone is being off with you about your PG then it is just possible that you overdid it with the last one and are coming across as a bit desperate, whiny and self-obsessed to them.

It's just usually the case that if everyone is responding to you in a negative manner, some aspect of your behaviour is contributing to this.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 01/09/2009 15:34

Maybe it is me? I just haven't seen anyone much because I work and have DS and I'm studying, too. When I have, I haven't mentioned the bump as I want people to ask of their own accord rather than me whinging on about it IYSWIM. I really don't think I can possibly have come across as whiney or self-obsessed this time. Last time, yes. But not this time.

LadyStealth- something like 'this is horrible of me but we've cut the bridesmaids down from 3 to 2 and only family and good friends can come to the day do, so you will be invited to the night do.' We've been best friends for such a long time. Then she said her hen do would be 'too expensive' for me to attend even though I earn more than any of our friends She spent the whole of my hen do crying because I'd just told her (as I'd had a MC and stuff, I thought she'd be happy for us as I thought we were in TTC together IYSWIM. I hadn't told anyone else.). She didn't turn up to my wedding and got someone else to tell me she was 'tired'.All very strange.

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