Young first-timer having a freak out!!

[ErikaMaye]

Yes yes, I know.

26+5 with my first (A little boy ) and I kinda got to thinking, "Oh Christ, he's got to come out!". I keep hearing all these statistics on various shows / from books about how younger mothers are more likely to tear / have a premature birth / insert scary aspect of birth HERE. Plus the fact that I'm rather small, with a low pain threshold due to my ME, and it all bundles together into a nicely wrapped package of panic.

I know its going to hurt and I'm not really frightened of it - well I am, but not of the pain itself, if that makes sense. I'm worried about how my body and my mind will react to it, worried that they'll stop working in co-operation with each other.

I keep imagining that all of a sudden one day reasonably close - too soon - my waters will break, and that everything will go horribly wrong, I won't be preapred, I won't be at the hospital... I think my most recent image I was in a toilet at Tesco's where my phone gets no reception

THEN I worry that I'll be overdue and will have to be induced.

And THEN I worry that people were right and I'm going to be a bad mum because of my age and illness

Some days I wake up and look in the mirror and couldn't be happier, seeing my belly grow, and feeling him wiggling away. Other days I can't even look in the mirror and want to just mutter, "Its not happening, its not happening, its not happening!" for hours.

Is anyone ever trully ready to be a mum? I'm trying to comfort myself by thinking no; even people that plan for years, prepare for years, can never really appriciate what they've let themselves in for before the baby actually arrives. But still, I worry I'm not ready.

Everyone I've spoken to has said that giving birth is the most intensive pain they've ever felt, and the quickest forgotten - would you say this is true?

I know first time labour is generally longer than others, and part of me is worried - especially with the staff shortages - of being in labour for like 24hrs or something. Or worse, because they're short on staff and rooms, they make me have a CS.

Are all these worries normal for a first timer, or am I being a worry wort??

UGH sorry everyone, and thank you to those that take the time to read and reply. Just all seems very very scary right now.

I went through the same thing. I was 17 when I had my DD. Was worried sick! DD was premature, and I did tear but think that was more fault of my own. I remember them telling me to just pant and not push, but I panted and carried on pushing as I was afraid DD was stuck or something (though clearly she wasn't since her head was almost out).

It's natural to feel worried. I mean I certainly was not prepared when DD came early. My hospital bag was not even packed lmao.

I was very paranoid about the pain. But when I gave birth, I was so far gone, they wouldn't allow me any form of pain relief. But I found concentrating on the pushing numbed that pain. My aim and focus was to get her out and so I didn't really have time to digest or consider what pain I was in. And I don't really remember it either. I just remember thinking that it wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

I was very small with DD. You couldn't tell I was pregnant. I was all baby. So when my waters broke, I didn't even know. It was only as I had my show that I thought something was up, and ended up going hospital to be checked over to be informed that my waters were broke. Would have loved to have seen my face hehe.

But honestly, it is very natural to worry, particularly as it is your first. It's entering the unknown isn't it. But you will be fine

Normal, normal, normal! We've all been in your shoes.....and yep it's damn scary! trust your body, and listen to your midwife.
You have started on one of the best journeys of your life IMO! When I saw the face of my first ds, the pain, the tiredness, the room disappeared, my baby and I were in a bubble! All the best, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy x

Everyone worries about having their first baby, no matter what age you do it at. I was 29 when I had DS and so petrified of the birth I did a hypnobirthing course. Made me feel loads better and I opted for a home birth in the end. Ended up transferring to hospital but that was just due to a long labour.

Of course you are worried, you've never done this before. But you WILL be fine. I'm not worried at all about doing it again; despite the pain being intense, now I know how it goes I'm totally up for doing it again. So it can't be that bad, can it?

I would say that the hardest part of giving birth isn't the pain itself but the fear of the pain. If you can bring yourself to do it, start reading up. Become an expert in what physically happens during childbirth (vaginal & CS) so you have a good idea of what to expect and so you can make informed choices when you deliver your baby- knowledge is power!

Also, develop some coping techniques for dealing with the contractions. Whether it is breathing, counting, visualising or a combination, having something that you do through each contraction makes it much easier to deal with. Even if you are sure you want an epidural, you usually can't have one until around 4cm dilated so you'll need a way of coping with the early contractions. If you are having Braxton Hicks, use them as practise for the real thing by going through your breathing etc.

I read Childbirth Without Fear by Grantly Dick Read and the Hypnobirthing book by Marie Mongon and felt all the better for it. Apparently the Ina May Gaskin books are good too.

All the things you mentioned go through everyone's mind during pregnancy, especially a first pregnancy. You're right, no-one is ever ready. And you're going to be a great mum because you care about being good at it.

All will be well, congratulations and good luck!

Erika sweetie, I am going to email you xxxxxxx

hi there, congratulations!
all these thoughts are totally normal, we all panic. I won't lie to you labour is really painful and I did tear, but when you see your baby the pain doesn't matter nothing matters but them, it's all well worth it. And as for being ready to be a mum I was 22 with my first and didn't think I would cope but it really does just slot into place, even though somedays I still feel clueless I am now pregnant with number 2 and my son is only 11 months old, so really the pain and tear haven't been forgotten but it wasn't that bad or I wouldn't be doing it all over again. You WILL be ok, just keep thinking of that gorgeous little one

I think its very normal to feel like this whatever your age. Its not something you can really prepare for as you won't know what its like and how you'll deal with it until its happening.

As a midwife I think that teenagers (don't know how young you are) often have shorter labours. Its something that I've heard other m/wS say as well. Believe me they won't make you have a CS due to staff shortages as these take up even more staff!

Have you got someone to support you in labour. You might not have a m/w with you all the time in early labour but they should respond quickly if you buzz and they should hopefully be with you all the time later on. In my experience the shortages aren't as bad as I read about. Obviously that's only 1 hospital and I'm sure that sometimes people do get left alone for longer than what is good. But then you don't hear the stories of the women who had a m/w with them the whole time even in the early stages when all that needed doing was support and hand holding.

Thanks ladies.

Hairymelons I'll check out those books

Mummyofthomas congratulations to you, too. x

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks I'm 18. My mum and partner are going to be there, hopefully.

Thanks again... Sorry, last night was just a total freak out moment!!!

Perfectly normal worries - I would suggest you need to ensure you find out all you can about the options for birth at your hospital and the pain relief options they will have open to you as well. If you don't understand what they are telling you at classes or are still concerned/worried about things try and talk it all through with a midwife sooner rather than later. I think if you have all the information and understanding about what can/will happen and WHY it may happen then you are going to feel much more in control when you are there giving birth.
I would also recommend hypnosis of some sort - a course or CD set perhaps - I am just about to have my 3rd baby and after a bad midwife experience last time need some reassurance to do this again - so far the hypnosis CDs I am using are making me feel a lot more like I can do this again. Your body was made to do this and even if it doesn't work out exactly as you might hope, the good news is there is a lot can be done to make the experience a positive one.

"I keep hearing all these statistics on various shows / from books about how younger mothers are more likely to tear / have a premature birth / insert scary aspect of birth HERE."

Really? Most things I have heard/read have youth as an advantage - and most younger mothers I know have faired rather better in labour.

"I keep imagining that all of a sudden one day reasonably close - too soon - my waters will break, and that everything will go horribly wrong, I won't be preapred, I won't be at the hospital... I think my most recent image I was in a toilet at Tesco's where my phone gets no reception"

That's not your age - that's just normal!

"THEN I worry that I'll be overdue and will have to be induced."

As is that.

"Is anyone ever trully ready to be a mum?" I shouldn't think so - not first time. Some might be well prepared, but nothing can prepare anyone for it apart from going through it. You'll be fine.

"Everyone I've spoken to has said that giving birth is the most intensive pain they've ever felt, and the quickest forgotten - would you say this is true?"

Yes, definitely - the latter anyway. It's possible that subbing your toe might be more intense, but it's much quicker! But yes you forgive and forget pretty damned quick!

Beautifulgirls hypnobirthing CDs were mentioned at my antenatal class today. Are there any in particular that you've found helpful? She said the same kind of thing you have, and anything to boost my confidence would be fab!

Thanks, mogend

I am using the Natal hypnotherapy series as recommended to me by a friend. I bought my copies second hand off ebay and plan to sell them on eventually when I finish with them, so hopefully shouldn't cost me much overall. I have a pregnancy relaxation one, effective birth preparation one and a relaxing birth music one.

Erika, a fellow MNer 'lent' me copies of her Natal Hynotherapy CD's last year for the birth of my first baby. I'd be happy to pass them on to you if you'd like them, for free I mean! I found they helped a lot a calming me down, I was just like you are, young first timer generally panicking about the place and getting all stressed out. It is totally normal.

I think I know where they are and would be happy to dig them out for you. Jut drop me a line, vickykc AT gmail.com

And don't panic, it will all be fine Ina May Gaskin's guide to childbirth was also the only other thing that really got through way wall of denial and fear and totally soothed me. Amazing read; loads of positive birth stories followed by down to earth information that makes you think, 'hey my body CAN do this, it's perfectly okay'

Thankyou Vicky, I've sent you an email

Hi Erika,
If its any consolation my 16 yr old cousin gave birth last year - 4 hour labour with nothing but gas and air, and no tearing!
So sometimes young mums have a pretty good time of it!
Good luck xx

That sounds nice..! Congrats to your cousin. I did speak to my DP about it last night, and although I'm still frightened, it felt good to share my worries with him.

Erika, I can also say, at 39 weeks, that your body gets you to the point where you no longer fear the birth - you just want it OUT OUT OUT! Your hormones will always be one step ahead of you

Oh my goodness, it's completely normal! Like you, I'm 18 and DD is 10 weeks now. All the stuff about young mums having a hard time giving birth is contradictory to everything I've read and my own experience. DD was out in three and a half hours! No worries.
No one ever has the right to feel you won't be a good mum because of your age. Discuss how you feel with your mum and partner- with their support you'll be fine.
Nothing can prepare you for motherhood- the slepless nights, the worry etc. But no one's ever prepared. You go with it, there are times when you think you won't get through it but you will.
If you ever lose faith, remember how beautfil and perect your son will be. Enjoy every moment of the early days, which go too fast. Look forward to the first smile. EEnjoy the rest of your pregnancy, read all the books you've been wanting to read, hav elots of baths and pamper yourself.
You will be fine! And congratulations!

erm yes, only thirty short years ago you'd have been normal age for children, whereas I would have been an 'elderly primagravida'!

don't worry - prepare if that makes you feel at ease.

i wish i had the energy of an 18yo when my two start playing up!

makipuppy - Haha, I'm having moments like that already, especially last night when he was laying breech and would NOT stay still. But thanks I look forward to it

ElieRM - Thank you. Its nice hearing from someone the same age as me, I find it quite intimidating sometimes on here. Your post was so sweet. Congratulations to you, too

oneopinionatedmother - Energy?? What's that?? Thank you to you, too. x

What would I do without all you lovely bunch?