Which is harder, being 8 months pg and taking care of a toddler, or having a newborn and toddler?

[naturelover]

I'm hoping the former is harder, because I'm really struggling!

I'm a SAHM with no real help with DD Mon-Fri, and 3 weeks after the baby is born I can realistically expect to be completely alone Mon-Fri with TWO to take care of. I admit I'm daunted.

Right now I've reached the point of looking forward to not being pregnant anymore (nature's way I suppose of making us look forward to the birth). I have a sore back, feel enormous, have piles, restless legs, can't sleep and just generally find it bloody EXHAUSTING running around after a two year old! To think that last time, I had a month off work before the birth to rest and nest. This time I'll be lucky if I get a half-day respite from DD in the next month...

Sorry for the moan. Am hoping others are in the same situation so we can give each other moral support.

PS any tips on managing with a newborn and toddler would be much appreciated!

Oh yeah, and tell people not to visit til after lunch, I was never quite dressed til then!

The HV used to ask if 9am was ok to come, I always said no.

Mornings just did not exist for us outside the house! If I did have to go somewhere in the morning it was really difficult.

Message withdrawn

christiana I really hope things improve soon. Sounds like your baby could be having a growth spurt or something and will hopefully settle down soon. I appreciate your honesty though. It does sound tough. I imagine that having a CS has made it a lot harder. Fingers crossed I'll have a natural delivery but you never know.

I hope your DD1 makes a fast recovery from chicken pox. It never rains but it pours, eh?

I don't have any family nearby but if push came to shove my mum might be able to come for a week or so.

We're not close but she's great with DD so although not ideal if I was desperate I would ask her.

Currently DH helps in the mornings but misses bathtime and bedtime. AIBU to ask him to change his working hours to be home for bath/bedtime instead of being there for breakfast time with the DCs? Which end of the day is it most useful to have an extra pair of hands? At the same time I can appreciate that he would probably see the worst of the DCs in the evening not the morning. But I'm thinking of my own survival right now, in the first few months only!

Think 5-6in our house is the time best needed for dh to be here. We have them both in the same tea/milk/bed times so it makes things easier. I have a mat for the bath from mothercare called aqua pod which has a little seat for the baby from about 6 months which means I can bath them alone more confidently.
i lay out the next days clothes the night before and put the pjs ready upstairs when they get dressed. Breakfast time is not as hectic as they wake at diffrent times (and dd1 will watch a bit of tv while I sort dd2!)

This all makes me sound organised but really I'm not..

I found it much easier having a newborn and a 2-year-old - it didn't help that I threw up every day for the whole 39 weeks of my 2nd pregnancy I guess!

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get out and about once your baby is born, unless you want to of course, and remember to involve your toddler in helping you look after the baby (pass me the nappy, help me hold the towel, hold his/her hand while he/she is feeding, etc).

If you have time and ££, invest in a really comfy, wide armchair with nice padded arms - so there's enough room for you to feed the baby and have your DD snuggled up to you on the arm of the chair at the same time. (If you can get one with a matching or integral footrest, that's even better )

And don't underestimate the benefits of kids' TV!

You'll be fine. x

I found it much easier when the baby was born. The last few weeks are exhausting (I found Spatone a big help and managed to get a friend to watch dd once a week while I had a sleep for 2 hours.)

My tip for when the baby arrives is to practice the stuff you'll do on your own before DH goes back to work. Like bath them together on your own and get up, dressed, breakfast etc while DH does some housework, so that you get used to it while he's there to shout for help if you need it! I felt much more confident on my own having done it already.

Also being organised really helps (I've got lazy now that DS is 5 months!) so get bag ready and clothes laid out the night before. Clean the kitchen before you go to bed so it's all sorted for breakfast in the morning and do a load of washing every day instead of it biulding up and becoming a huge task etc. I know people say let the housework go but certain things will help you feel more in control.

Good luck and try and get as much rest as you can over the last few weeks

I found being pg with a toddler was awful. My experience was that life was far better when DD was born.

Your second may not suffer from Colic Hour! And even if he/she does, the chances are you won't be able to rock/cuddle etc him/her in the way that you did your first one. The second one simply doesn't get as much attention.

I found having both of them in a routine was vital. It was particularly important for DS to know that DD was going to be in her crib at particular times. He knew he was guaranteed baby-free time then, which was a big thing for him. I was much more routined second time around, and it was hugely helpful to all of us. Good luck!

PS I did find it terrifying, the first time I was on my own with both of them. They both cried at the same time, of course. But once you've done it once, it's fine...

i can't cope whilst pregnant at all but once the baby is born i find things fall into place and it all gets easier... i'm sure it'll be the same for you

I have an 8 day old, a 2 year old and a 7 year old. It is definitely easier caring for them alone (and bf) than it is doing so whilst pg

Hello naturelover, I'm in your boat too. I'm 31 weeks pregnant with a wonderful, spirited, exhausting two year old who has dropped her naps and seems to need less sleep than me! Her energy is boundless. I have very little support and for the last couple of months a random dose of pregnancy insomnia. It's reassuring to read this thread as it's easy to forget how much of this exhaustion is the physical result of pregnancy. Like you I finished work quite early last time and napped every afternoon as well as luxurious lie-ins. I did co-sleep with dd which made nightfeeds a lot easier, but I do worry that this will make her jealous of the new one. Anyway, I've actually got in a bit of a panic about it as we really don't have anyone around to help and dh works long hours. So I've decided to buy in some help for the first few weeks - it seems a very good way to use money saved for a rainy day and I really want to ease this new phase in, esp for dd. Be nice to keep in touch with other mums in this way as I expect even if things go well the tiredness and raging hormones may make things feel quite tough at times... Good luck!

PS It's 5 o'clock onwards that's really scaring me. DD is taking ages to settle in the evenings and bedtimes are really hard at the moment. Don't know how the hell and newborn fits in to that early evening period - especially if it's colicky...

Again though, just reading latest posts, this thread is mighty reassuring!

Jst signing up to watch this thread!

I have a 14MO and a newborn (10 days old).
So far, I'm def. finding it easier NOT being pregnant but the real hardcore sleep deprivation hasn't kicked in yet plus, from Monday, I'll be at home alone Mon-Fri too...

I, too, want to keep DS in as much of a routine as possible, but it would be fair to say, he's already started playing up a lot more at bedtime!!!

I found it soooo much easier with the toddler and newborn (though I confess DD1 was still in nursery 3 mornings a week ). CBeebies will be your friend. I also made up drinks for DD1 and put them where she could reach them herself. The potty was in the living room so she could use it there and then. DD2 spent quite a lot of time sleeping on my lap while I read stories (DD1 has always been a book monster). She was 2 yrs and 2 wks when DD2 was born, BTW

I would ask your DH to change his hours - bedtime is almost always more difficult than morning. Let's face it, if your DD isn't dressed till late, who cares? But if she needs to go to bed and your newborn is playing up, well......

Definitely look at another sling. The Bjorn killed my back. For DD3, I bought a Close sling and she lived in that in the early days. I could easily carry her for 2 hours without struggling (and she was nearly 9lbs when she was born, so not a little scrap of a thing). I had a 4.5yo and a 3.5yo when she was born

Aaaargh, sorry, a 4.5yo and a 2.5 yo....

i could have written your post too naturelover, esp the restless legs. i keep telling people but noone understands how horrible it is!

lots of reassuring posts i'm going to keep watching too.

can i shout out to haribosmum!! have you posted on the antenatal thread? i keep losing touch with it. a boy or a girl? how are you feeling?

naturelover my DS did the 3-hour screaming thing in the evenings too, very difficult and upsetting for everyone. When DD was born, I gave her a dummy and persevered with it and it worked!! No screaming - or, if she did, we just popped the dummy back in and she went straight to sleep. It's different with your 2nd DC, isn't it, because you don't want the baby's screaming to keep DC1 awake, or to upset them ...

I know a lot of people hate dummies - I refused to use one with DS as I thought they were disgusting! - but you do what you have to do, and it was sanity-saving!!

We took it away from DD when she was about 16 months old and she was fine - much easier than I'd thought it would be.

Hey Nature Lover, I'm in the same position as you and I'm planning that it'll be easier once the baby's out!
I'm in a good position as I've gone on maternity from being a childminder, so I've experience dealing with more than one, although all the kids I had were 2 so didn't have the conflict of new born and toddler. I also suffer from spd and hate being pregnant, so anything must be better!
My plan is:
Hopefully baby will nap at same time as toddler and I'll prepare tea straight after lunch so I've just got to bung it in oven/heat it up, if baby doesn't sleep then I bet that time will still be easier than cooking at 4/5. I think I might freeze a load of food portions in last month (am 33 weeks now) so first couple of weeks is easier.
My toddler will have bed and bath as usual, although if I can get away without not bathing her I won't let it worry me. She's great at bedtime and if it comes to it I can always read her a story while feeding the baby.
My DP is normally still asleep at breakfast and doesn't get home til after bed. I reckon I can manage OK, but I might deliberately make out it's more of a struggle as he gives no help at all. It's fine, but I need a break every once in a while now and it's a struggle to get one without a fuss so it'll be worse with 2.
I think my problem is not managing DCs, but managing DP!

My first two were 22 months apart and for me it was definitely easier once DC2 was born. I couldn't really carry DC1 by the end of the pregnancy and so it became very difficult to manage him when he was being tired or difficult. DC2 slept much better than DC1 ever had (which is often the way with the second - has no choice) and the whole thing was easier. Hopefully be the same for you...

Double buggy helped me.
As did going to toddler activities where DC1 could wear self out whilst DC2 napped / fed.

is there any way you could afford to get some help for the first month or so naturelover? My DH works long hours but my mum came to help the first week or two and then I was lucky enough to have a distant Spanish relative who wanted to au pair in the UK for 5 weeks. She lived with us so didn't need paying much, I was worried about having someone in the house at that time but it was worth it to have the extra pair of hands to dress and entertain toddler/hold or walk baby/run bath.

Even if you could just get a mothers help in for 2 hrs in the evenings when your DH can't get home(maybe just ask him to commit to one or two early finishes a week rather than every day?), it will be a godsend...IMO it is definitely the hardest part of the day, everyone is tired, your milk supply often low, baby usually grizzly. V tough (although not impossible!) to deal with on your own. If you could set aside £500 to pay someone to help (a local student/nanny who finishes work around 5pm?) i am sure it would help preserve your sanity in the first month or two.

BTW am reading thread with interest(and dread ) as I am expecting DC3 in Jan when DS will be 4.5 and just starting school and DD will be 19m - I must be mad. FWIW, I found it easier having baby than being pg (also thanks to help though).

hey! mamamila

no, i'm afraid i've not kept up to speed with the AN thread - not enough time!

i had a little girl on 29th july. she is doing really well, as am i, but dh is still home at the mo, so haribo has a constant source of ents!! big test will come next week!! we called her imogen - hence the slight name change!!

how are you?

Def. agree with sleepwhenidie - i've just had a sleep in till 8.30 and it's blissful!!

happy saturdays!

hm

My first two were 20 months apart and it was much harder afterwards than before. Same again when I had my third. Babies are harder than being pregnant for me and I had awful pregnancies.

i have a 5 year old, 17 month old and am 33 weeks pregnant. finding it hard now and just hope and pray that its easier when baby arrives, just so tired and restless all the time. i dont want to wish my pregnancy away but roll on delivery!!

I found it much easier after the baby was born. You can move more freely and the baby will sleep from time to time. good luck