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friend desperate for baby and I'm pregnant (again)

24 replies

spub · 24/05/2005 09:44

Please help.
My very good friend is 38 and has been ttc since Nov. She has always wanted children but it wasn't on the cards with a previous partner. She now had a fab man and they are both very keen.
I know she's been finding it hard going and is fed up (though I also know it's still relatively early days).
The thing is we are seeing her and her man at the weekend - going to a show and for drinks and dinner. Normally, we'd all have a few drinks and make a real night of it but I've just found out I'm pregnant - though only 5 weeks. I thought about the antibiotics excuse for not drinking and all of that but she's very alert to these things and will suss it. She may also be more hurt that I'm feeling that I can't tell her.
I just don't know how to do this for the best. When I told her I was pregnant last time she was obviously upset though putting a good face on it and told me afterwards that she'd cried for days. She doesn't grudge me my happiness and is a great friend - I just feel bad that we can't seem to share this without reservations.
Any advice?

OP posts:
starlover · 24/05/2005 09:49

i would tell her because, as you say, she will figure it out, She will find out eventually that you are pregnant and it won't take much to realise that you were when you went out! So, if you lie then she'll probably feel bad about it!

I don't think there is any "easy" answer though....

spub · 24/05/2005 09:54

Thanks. I kind of know I'm going to tell her but it's a question of how. I don't want to make it a big deal but of course it is. If I try and play it down too much it may seem that I'm nonchalant about it which I'm not - nor do I want my friend to think that I'm so casual about something that's a huge deal to her. At the same time, I don't want to make too much of a fuss and rub salt into any wounds.
AAargh!How the hell do I phrase this?

OP posts:
hellomama · 24/05/2005 09:58

Why don't you contact her before you meet at the weekend and let her know then, so that she has a few days to get used to the idea before it is 'sprung' on her, IYSWIM? Its never going to be an easy situation, but I'm sure she will be really happy for you once she has gotton over feeling a bit sad about not being pregnant herself. (But you never know, she could be couldn't she?)

starlover · 24/05/2005 09:59

hmmm it is difficult isn't it...
she may appreciate if you take her to one side to tell her... or even let her know before the weekend so that it isn't a big surprise on the night!
I would just ring her, or go see her or whatever and just say something like "i don't want to give you a shock at the weekend, so thought I better let you know that we're expecting again"

starlover · 24/05/2005 10:00

is she the kind of person that you could say something like
"in fact, stay in at the weekend and make sure my baby has a little friend to play with" ?

Flum · 24/05/2005 10:02

Why don't you ring her when you know shes at home./ that way if she takes it badly 1. she is at home 2. she doesn't have to show you how badly she has taken it.

my experience of desperate-to-be-a-mother women is actually they very quickly get used to people having babies around them and begrudge you nothing - yes, it rubs it in a little but that is over shadowed by their happiness for you.

hellomama · 24/05/2005 10:03

I would say, 'i've got some news which I'm really happy about, but i think you may feel a bit upset about it, so I wanted you to be one of the first to know... we're going to be having another baby. I look forward to you joining me yourself (hopefully) in a few months time though. However I know you were quite upset when I told you last time, so I understand if you feel a bit sad and need some space for a few days. Let me know if you still want to meet on Saturday. I really hope you still want to spend time with me!'

spub · 24/05/2005 10:07

You are marvellous. The phoning is such a good idea. I had thought it best not to phone and do this but do it in person but we live 30 miles apart so if I'm to do this in advance and give her the chance to absorb the news then the phone may be best. Hellomama - I'm going to use your "script" as it seems like a really well thought out and sensitive way of passing on the news. Much better than I could have come up with myself as I'm all of a flutter and a bit freaked out .
Mumsnet to the rescue once again!

OP posts:
Fennel · 24/05/2005 10:10

It is really hard. I have a very close friend who had 10 rounds of IVF, and just one baby from all of it, and would desperately love a second. I really really didn't want to have to tell her I was pregnant, easily, for the 3rd time. I think you have to accept she probably will go away and cry for days, but you'll still have to tell her sooner or later, and if she is a good friend she'll be back, but maybe it will take her a while. I think with my friend we didn't see her much til the baby was about 6 months, but I didn't take it personally, she just finds it very hard to be around babies. and she hates being invited to hold peoples' new babies.

spub · 24/05/2005 10:18

I know. It's so hard when you seem to be able to have something so easily (we got pregnant first go this time - second go last time) and you feel guilty that your friend can't just have the same as you.
To be honest, it has caused a bit of a "no man's land" to spring up between us and I'm definitely different around friends who do have babies. I feel like I need to be on guard a bit with my childless friend and that I can't share certain things with her because sadly, however much she might want to she won't understand .
That's not at all meant to sound smug and it also comes back to the not wanting to rub salt in to any wounds, too.

OP posts:
Yellowbelly · 24/05/2005 10:21

Sounds like you've got it sorted, but just thought I'd add my encouragement. My best friend actually had 2 babies in the 4 years that my husband and I were trying to conceive. I was fine with the first pregnancy as I thought we wouldn't be far behind, but the second time I, like your friend cried for days. However, my friend was so sensitive, in fact she cried more than I did when she told me. I really appreciated that she was so sensitive about it and genuinely didn't resent it. As I said to her she could have 10 babies and it wouldn't affect our chances. I would definitely not tell her in public though - go with the phoning if you can't get to see her in person. I wouldn't worry too much about what your going to say, just ring and tell her. Alot will be said in a hug and a congratulations when you go out.

Hausfrau · 24/05/2005 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aloha · 24/05/2005 10:32

I think it will mean a lot to her that you were sensitive enough to tell her first.

spub · 24/05/2005 10:32

Thanks all of you. It really does help to get a bit of support and some shared wisdom. Makes you feel a bit less isolated and it's also good to know that Yellowbelly could also be so generous to her friend - the idea that "she could have 10 babies and it wouldn't affect our chances" does make me feel a bit better.
She is a great friend and I know she will be happy for me - I'm just a bit sad for her.

OP posts:
Bella23 · 24/05/2005 10:36

As someone in the position of your friend then I would definately advice that you tell her over the phone before you meet up. This means that she can have a quiet cry before she meets you and doesn't have to face the element of suprise when she wants to cry but is having to put on a brave face.
I think the most important thing is to make her realise that you know the pain she is going through - I know for me that really helps.

Rachey1969 · 24/05/2005 11:20

Spub - good advice from the others about telling her first. I had the same situation with my best friend from college - we started ttc at the same time and I had two babies easily while she started IVF (at a huge cost - another barrier between us) it was difficult for her but she was always positive, when I got pregnant for the third time I couldn't bear telling her, plucked up the courage (like your friend - she lived far away) and found out she was pregant too! I think she will be happy to share your good news - just as she would bad news - that's what friends are for!

spub · 24/05/2005 12:27

Thanks again.
Will let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 24/05/2005 12:49

I was in your friend's position too, but because the partner I was with didn't want children. No-one knew either, so I was constantly faced with having to put on a brave face for beaming, excited friends.

I'd say definitely tell her in advance, but also acknowledge that you know she will be upset about it and that that's OK - in fact what hellomamma has suggested so very well!

hellomama · 24/05/2005 16:14

hope telling your friend goes well for you Spub - congratulations on being pregnant by the way. You must be delighted!

hellomama · 24/05/2005 16:16

hope telling your friend goes well for you Spub - congratulations on being pregnant by the way. You must be delighted!

hellomama · 24/05/2005 16:16

hope telling your friend goes well for you Spub - congratulations on being pregnant by the way. You must be delighted!

hellomama · 24/05/2005 16:16

oops! not as delighted as I am for you, obviously!

spub · 25/05/2005 09:27

Just wanted to let you all know that I took the initiative and phoned my friend last night. We had a good old chat and got to talking about the weekend and I told her that I had some news. I said I would understand if it was a bit difficult for her and told her that I'd thought about fudging the issue but had decided she was too good a friend to keep anything from. Then I just came out with it.
She was very happy for me but we both acknowledged that we were sad for her and I said I really hoped she would be in my position before too much longer.
Am going to keep things quite circumspect when we meet up and certainly not going to make it the topic of conversation but feel better she has had the chance to absorb the info before we meet up.
Thanks again for all of the help and advice.

Hellomama - you are almost as delighted as me! I am over the moon as is DH though we have just worked out that this baby may be due in the same week as its big sis' birthday and that we may well end up with an 18th and 21st birthday in the same week at some future date! My maths is very bad......was hoping to have a summer baby this time!

OP posts:
Fennel · 26/05/2005 10:01

spub - glad to hear it's all out in the open and your friend was ok about it. hvae fun at the weekend.

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