Ambivalent and need advice please

[indiegrrl]

Hi there, new to Mumsnet so apologies if I post in wrong place or am repeating stuff you've read before...had been TTC for 2 mnths, just did a pos pregnancy test - but I'm not delighted as I'd hoped I'd be. I'm 35, my dp is 45, we have no experience of small kids, and so many of my mates with kids have told me 'don't have kids, you're too independent'. I've previously suffered (mild) depression and I'm worried about whether I'll be capable of what's ahead. I feel daft saying this cos obviously I made the choice to come off the pill, I had this urge to have and love a child, dp is wonderfully supportive, felt I'd weighed up the pros and cons - but now I've tested positive I feel devastated. Thanks for listening.

A lot of people feel like this when they get that blue line on the test. It is perfectly normal - you have just willingly put in motion a massively life changing event, that will provide your life with many ups and downs for well, for ever really. You are naturally a bit overwhelmed by the prospect and you'd be daft if you weren't. The good parts (you and your partner's beautiful smiling baby) don't seem real yet, while the loss of independance and freedom are easy enough to imagine.

On some level you wanted this baby and you will regain that feeling once the shock has worn off. then when he or she is born you will fall utterly in love and won't be able to imagine your life without them in it.

I've felt stunned and shocked each of the four times I got a positive pregnancy test result. Each of the four children I have was very much wanted and planned, but still a huge surprise! yes I know it sounds stupid...

We all worry that we'll be crap as parents. I think that's agood indication that you'll do fine.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Babies take 9 months to grow, you've got time to get used to the idea

Thanks so much. Unfortunately dp was half-asleep when I told him so his 1st reaction was 'uh, does that mean we can't go to Vietnam?' He did apologise Anyhow too early to confide in anyone I know so yr comments mean tons.

I'm pregnant with my 2nd and thought it would never happen. I had a miscarriage last year, and dp was indifferent about a second, actually saying he didn't really want one a few times after the miscarriage. All my friends were either getting pregnant or giving birth again. Many of them announced their pregnancies after my miscarriage and were due when I would have been. So you'd think I would have been over the moon to get a positive result 5 months ago!!! Deep down I am but I'm also having huge reservations about coping (am nearly 40 and v. sleep deprived!) especially now dd is 3 and at nursery and I seem to have some life back. But I know it's what we want and I never wanted to have only one.

So don't worry as other posters have said it's totally normal. Hormones all over the place which doesn't help!

The first month off the pill, I was really relieved when it turned out I wasn't pregnant. The second month I was disappointed. When we actually got pregnant the third month, I didn't feel strongly either way. Now that I'm five months along I feel very positive and ready for it.

You have nine months to prepare yourself, take advantage of them.

I know what you mean, have just found out I'm pregnant with #3 and I'm quite shocked, seems a bit dumb after ttc for 8 months. Bit rude of your mates to tell you not to have kids. No one has a clue about children before they actually have them, including all your friends. You and your partner will have a lot of adjustments to make over the next few years but no reason why you won't do a great job.

It is a huge thing getting pregnant. This is my second very much planned and wanted and I still feel a bit freak out "Oh shit what have we done" about it.

Give yourself time to get used to the idea.

As everyone has said - it's perfectly normal. DH's response was 'Oh Shit' for first, and now preggers with DC2 he keep saying 'What have you done'. But he doesn't mean it. When he's westling DC1 to the floor and they're both in fits of giggles, I know he loves it!
I'm 35, and we had children more becuase we don't want to not have children, rather than any huge overriding urge.
Also, do not worry if you do not "look into your babies eyes and immediatley fall in love". I didn't and it dpressed me, but within a few months I was totally smitten and it's the best thing we've ever done.
Good luck, and remember you are completley normal!

I always think it's a good thing that pregnancy is so long, because we need that time to get used to the idea. I was always thinking about how much I wanted a baby, then when I found out I was pregnant I was utterly utterly intimidated by the whole thing. Plus, hormones are everywhere, so it's not surprising you have mixed feelings.

Be open with a few people about how you're feeling - your husband / a sibling / close friend. None of us are 'very capable parents' before we've even had children, so use all the support you can get. You'll be fine.

Thanks everyone, just an update: my dp and I talked this over and he said on Friday he really felt that he wasn't ready to give up our freedom as a childless couple, but he made it clear that if I really wanted a baby he could be convinced otherwise. Thing is, I feel very ambivalent too - I guess I also feel if he was over the moon I'd be convinced, but he's not. So we decided to request an abortion. GP v. supportive. I wish I felt v. decisive, and tbh I think I thought getting pregnant/finding out we couldn't wld make that decision clearer. What a dunce I am...but I know I was a much wanted child, and I'd want the same for mine if I had any.

When I got a positive result after 3 years of trying, you'd think I'd be over the moon and jumping for joy!

To be honest I was really shocked and really didn't know how to be happy about it, I found I was more stressed and worried than I was happy. My DH was really excited and that kept me going but it was difficult to match everyone else's excitement! I kept thinking, oh my, this is really happening now, and searching my self to see how I really felt about it.

I think part of all of that was may be not allowing myself to get too happy and emotionally attached till after 12 weeks, but I'll never know really why I felt that way.
What I do know now is that, now I am further on (32 weeks) feeling the baby moving around and getting everything ready, preparing my mind for the birth... now I am really happy and getting quite excited at last.
It's a massive life change and it happening to you personally more than everyone else, it does take a lot of getting use too before you can start to get your head around it... so don't worry I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural and actually quite sensible.
congratulations and good luck with it all!!

indiegrrl, I am sorry, but is this for real? You have been TTC, but are now going to have an abortion because you are 'not as delighted as you hoped you would be'? You can't just take it back for a refund, you know. I am

On the one hand I want to say of course you must do what is right for you... but on the other I think you should spend more time thinking this through. Men who do not fancy giving up their freedom or who are scared of the changes a baby will bring are often wonderful, devoted dads when it happens. The shock and uncertainty you feel are normal and it's very early days. And it's also a fact that many people deeply regret abortions they had in haste.

I would really give yourselves a few weeks to think and talk it over. There will still be time to decide either way.

indiegrrl i felt like you did and so did my DH.

Being terrfied is natural - I think it goes to show how much you are thinking things through. That you are a more responsible type of person who is scared of this responsiblity - I'm still scared at 16 weeks pregnant.

As someone told me - even with planned babies you do tend to ask "Why did God chose US to become Parents? Why are we the right people to take on this job?"

Please think about the reasons you wanted a baby before you rush into a decision. I had a mmc last year after DH and I were extremely scared and had said initally how a mc might not be too bad - I was devasted afterwards as was he.

Thanks everyone, another update: went into clinic for counselling yesterday, was really impressed at the professionalism and care. Blip: 2 pregnancy tests at the hospital, test negative but scan was inconclusive so now they think there's something very wrong with the pregnancy (if there's one there at all). Nurse suggested my ambivalence was some sort of 'unconscious' picking up on the fact sthng was wrong...kind of her, but suspect that the reasons you've all given for ambivalence were probably closer to the mark.
Now we're back to blood tests and waiting to see what if anything is there...may have wasted your time with all my meanderings if I'm not actually pregnant , I'm so sorry about that.
After reading everyone's last few posts me and dp had decided to take our time thinking this through, and if we get the chance, we will do just that. I had depression last yr due partly to a couple of life-changing decisions I took, which I've realised made me totally panic when faced with another - albeit planned - lifechanging event. Looks like may be out of our hands now though.
Lou - you'll be surprised to learn that the clinic told me they see women feeling as I do all the time, and none of them have horns. 'You can't take it back for a refund' ?? - sure, with a baby, that's why we were mulling everything over while it isn't a baby, but my body.
Thanks, everyone, looks like I won't be bothering you again.

indiegrrl, I am sorry to hear that you are in limbo wrt your pregnancy. I wouldn't suggest you 'have horns'. I hope that you get some great support whatever the outcome.

This is a very old post but @indiegrrl you and your husband sound like me and my husband.

I hope you are well all these years later.x