My husband is acting strange now that I'm pregnant !!!

[BrandyBaby]

I would really like some advice. My husband and I planned this pregnancy. I?m 16 weeks?and took me a year and a half to conceive. My husband keeps on saying that he has to do ?things? before the baby comes. So he has been drinking almost every night (he use to have one or two beers only once in awhile). He is now being so irresponsible with our money now too! He got paid $456.00 this week and said he is keeping all the money for himself?he told me; ?I won?t be able to spend money on myself when the baby is born. I just don?t understand what is going on! He is so happy about this baby, but he?s acting so strange. I feel like I don?t even know who he is anymore.

OK - his behaviour is unacceptable but you'll have to try to make him see that for himself.

Do you have any friends - couples - who have children? Perhaps the male half would be a good person for him to go for a drink with? If he has concerns he can talk to them...

Do you work? Is that $456 your family income for the week? Or is it extra money?

That money is all we have... plus we are supposed to be saving to move into a bigger place. He fights with me about saving money. He keeps saying we have plenty of time. And I tell him I don't want to wait until the last minute to save and move. I don't understand. We have been together for four years, and this all started after we found out I was pregnant. What should I do?

I would suggest sitting down with a midwife or at least a third party and discuss what is going on. He is likely to be more open to talk with a mediator/unbiased person.

I just feel sorry for you brandybaby. I know how emotional you feel during PG and I can't imagine how his very weird behaviour must be affecting you. I liked mrsjammi's suggestion of asking if 'getting rid of his baby might help him'!! Ask him if he thinks living on his tod drunk everynight spending all his money on his selfish little self might be a better way to live for him and there's the door. Obviously I mean just to buck him up a bit. I think I would TRY (easier said than done) and act strong and as if he either joins you or leaves. Men can be such twats eh . The good news is we are usually brighter than them so id definitely be calling his bluf. If it helps, my friends DH suddenly had to go out drinking and partying like armagedon was coming too and he is the lovliest dad and husband now. x

Yeah, I think it's a pretty well known phenomenon. We were trying for our first for about 8 months and now that I'm PG he's become very distant and disinterested, to the point where I asked him 'are you pleased about this?'. He shrugged and mumbled something along the lines of 's'alright I suppose'. I responded with 'Well that had better not be your reaction when they put the baby in your arms' and that made him laugh. I think he knows he's being difficult but without the sophisticated means for exploring their emotions that us ladies are endowed with, blokes have to find their own peculiar ways! I find the worst thing is when I tell people I'm PG and they respond with 'Oh your other half must be over the moon!' I just smile but I'm thinking 'er, no, not particularly...'

Thank you so much for all your kind words. It helps that other people know what I?m going through. My husband is thrilled about the baby, but he doesn?t seem to be making any plans for the baby. It?s just so strange! I feel like he tricked me in a way? he wanted us to have a baby, and finally after many months of trying ? I became pregnant. Then, bam! He?s totally different. He?s acting like a college boy! Do most men act like this? And will my husband go back to the way he was?

If its any comfort, last week my DP started drinking excessively, something entirely out of character for him. I think a large part of it was, like it sounds like for your husband, all of a sudden he's realised things are going to change, and he won't be able to sit around and drink any more. Even though it was planned, its now real, and life is turning tits up, even though its for a good reason. I hope that's some reassurence. x

I guess I can kinda understand that... But, I just hope that this will pass. We have been together for 4 years and this is the first time he has been acting this way.

We haven't been together nearly as long, but as I said, this was the first time he'd acted like this too. He's back to normal, more or less, this week, so hopefully it will be just a short time thing.

Brandybaby I am sure it is very stressful for you the way your OH is behaving and like other people have said I am sure it will pass. I did just want to offer some possible insight from his point of view because I felt a little like this when I found out I was pregnant with DD1, we had been TTC for a little over a year and I had shed many tears that I wasn't pregnant, but when I found out I was pregnant I suddenly starting thinking about all the things I should have done before I had kids, and if I had been able to I think I would have been out drinking and partying every night! But as time passed I started looking forward to the baby, she is almost 2 now and I wouldn't change anything! I don't care about all those things I thought I should have done they just aren't important any more. I think, while very frustrating for you, your OHs reaction is a fairly common one and is just that a reaction rather than an indication of how things will be in the future.

I hope he comes to his senses soon!

Brandybaby I think you should sit down with him and explain how you are feeling about the situation, it is clear your worried, you don't want him to get into too much of a habit with drinking do you? The longer you leave it the harder it will be for both of you to express how you really feel...... He may be scared, ask him his worries, share yours with him, and try include him in as much as possible.....
I really do feel for you, pregnancy is an emotional time in every womans life and these extra upsets are not helping you in the slightest....
Let us know if everythingg works out okay....

Hope everything works out...

xx

Thank you so much ladies... I did speak to my husband, and he is hasn't had anything to drink since sunday. He said that he was sorry and that he's just worried because everything is changing so fast. I hope he means this and everything will work out. I will keep you ladies updated.

I know from my first preg that my DH won't be fully himself until our second baby is born and is 3 months old and 'normal'(I'm around ~17wks preg). I know it seems strange to accept a slighly different husband for a year (incl preg), but the majority of the time things are fine. He really struggles with change and with the idea of increased responsibility, but then is great (also phobia on health matters so struggles with all the appointments and tests). One post on another thread made a lot of sense to me - it's better to have a man who thinks and worries earlier, but then sticks around to be a great Dad, than one who is v. enthusiastic but doesn't take on the full commitments. Obviously great if you can have both, but if given the option I'd rather have the former. BTW my DH is a great Dad and we love helping our DD(3) to grow into a loving confident child.

My husband did it again... he got paid $456.00 this week and spent $300 on himself! And he won't tell me what he spent it on! I just don't know what to do anymore...

That is just out of line and unacceptable. I don't think you can put up with that to be honest.

Can you make a stand and go stay with your parents for a few days?

BrandyBaby - Are you in the UK - its just your mention $s

If you are in the UK you must make an emergancy appointment with either your community midwife or your health visitor (or GP) to discuss this - you need support and your DH is not giving you any. If you are elsewhere you still must speak to someone responsible for your care urgently about this.

My Dh has Aspergers and doesn't cope well when I'm pg because he cannot empathise - when I'm tired because I'm pregnant all I get is that he is tired too - and he gets very angry if I nap etc, because he feels he has equal rights to rest etc...he also cannot empathise that I might feel crap if he goes out all day and all night leaving me with our 2 children while he enjoys himself because "he needs to". However I'm aware of this and my HCP are also so I get support from them.

My husband did it again... he got paid $456.00 this week and spent $300 on himself! And he won't tell me what he spent it on! I just don't know what to do anymore...

Brandybaby - that's not right! You should be cross. Very cross. I don't know what to suggest - just keep talking.
It's very regressive and childish behaviour, and people regress when they are feeling stressed. Try to remember that his bad behaviour doesn't come from a really bad place, but is just the inapprorpiate coping mechanism of someone under stress. It's really hard though, you should be the one being looked after now you are pregnant...

Brandybaby - sorry to hear you're going through this, even if it is an understandable reaction for some men.

It sounds like you're in the US so I don't know if you get scans as we do here in the UK. If so, I'd suggest getting a copy of one of the pics and then getting a card with something along the lines of 'To my Daddy' on the front. Write in it as if you were the baby, something along the lines of being excited to meet him and looking forward to all the fun we'll have playing etc. Also mention something about looking forward to the lovely new house that he/she will live in with Mummy and Daddy, and that he/she is sorry that they will cost so much for cots etc. but that they will make it all up with cuddles and kisses.
Then sign it from 'your baby' and stick a scan pic in it.

Men struggle with the reality of pg until the baby arrives or you're so pg that you can bend over etc. If you can get him to connect with the pg, you'll probably find his reality chip kicks in a little more.
He needs to start feeling that the baby coming is the start of something new, rather than the end of his old life if that makes sense.

My DH says that finding out your wife is expecting is very scary, even when you've been TTC for ages. You suddenly feel very left out - everyone is interested in your wife (not you), how she feels, what's happening to her etc. People talk to your wife about how excited they are for her, but not to you. Plus she can imagine what life with a baby might be like, which men often find harder, having talked to fewer people about it, and having read fewer books/websites etc. For the dad, it feels much more like a scary unknown and the only things you can feel confident are that you will be chronically sleep deprived and lead a miserable life for the first little while after the baby arrives.

My DH has been really good, but I can see how some men completely freak out. I think you need to try to show him sympathy and understanding, tell him how you feel, and try to involve him in the baby things as much as possible.

One of my husband's colleagues told him that he now always feels he comes last in the family pecking order, after the children, and that he is now the least important person in the family. I think a lot of men start to worry that this will happen to them once their wife gets pregnant, so it's really important to make sure you show that you still love and care for your DH rather than emotionally 'deserting' him for the baby. I'm not at all suggesting that's what you're doing, but I think that's how many chaps feel, and it can make them go a bit bonkers trying to cope with it all.

I really hope things improve for you. I'm sure that as he gets used to the idea, he'll calm down a bit.

Thank you for all the support ladies... It does help to hear from everyone. Ive tried doing what some of you have suggested. Hopefully things will get better soon...