Antenatal depression? or do i just not want this baby?

[ash6605]

I am 11 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child.It wasn't a planned pregnancy which i know was stupid but i didn't feel too bad about it to begin with.
After my last pregnancy ended with a mmc at 14weeks,3years ago,dh and i chose not to try again as we couldnt face the pain of miscarrying again.since then we have used contraception until one drunken night 11weeks ago when we both thought it would be fun to have 'one last try'

Over the weeks I have felt nothing for this baby,although my husband is over the moon.he kept telling me that it was probably just my way of coping until I had the scan and it would change.I had my scan on thursday and felt nothing.i still feel nothing and its breaking my heart.i dont think i want this baby and i dont know what to do about it.i cry everyday,i cant sleep because its all that i can think about and when i do eventually get to sleep i pray that i wont wake up to have to face my feelings

[nickytwotimes]

ash, I think your dh may well be right. It may be that you are unable to connect with your baby until you feel it is 'safer' and that you are still upset afetr you mc.
It is perfectly understandable.
I would like to congratulate you, though perhaps you are not ready for that yet?
You do sound depressed. COuld you have a word with your mw or GP? There are options for you if you are not coping - therapy or anti depressants if necessary.

[ash6605]

I really hope you're right but what if not and its too late to do anything about it and i bring an unwanted child into the world?
I dont think it helps that dh told everybody,including the kids before i really had chance to get my head around it.

Im having alot of problems with my midwife and my gp is away at the moment so it would be a locum i saw. midwife didnt make the refferal to the hospital i requested, she got it wrong and reffered me to another hosp that i hate,then she rang me on thurs a.m to say i had a scan booked for that day at the hosp that i wanted.This had taken her 3 weeks to arrange.when i went along they had no record of me and wouldn't book me into the hosp,although they did allow my scan but said that to be booked in with them mw would have to refer me.i have rang the mw several times since then to try and sort the situation and she's not returning my calls which i think is just adding to my anxiety.i really dont trust her and dont feel I could talk to her about my feelings.

[nickytwotimes]

It is your third child. It will be loved. You do sound depressed. Sometimes locums are good. Give it a try and if you have no luck then try again. Get a friend to back you up.

[ilovetrees]

Ash, I totally understand how you're feeling. I don't think it's at all unusual to feel like this, especially if you were ambivalent about having another baby anyway. The same thing happened to me and I spent 4 months of my last pregnancy suffering from really terrible anxiety and depression. I too wasn't sure I wanted another child and added to that was my fear that I would get postnatal depression again (had it badly the first time).

However, ds is now 6 and I wouldn't have done anything differently. When he was born I felt fine and everything was normal. I do feel quite a lot of guilt about how I felt but talking to other mums, I don't think it's that unusual.

In my view, it's a myth and a cultural expectation that women become pregnant and are automatically overcome with joy and glowing with happiness, wearing floral dresses and sitting in rocking chairs joyfully anticipating the wonderful birth!! (bit weird maybe - not sure where I got this picture of pregnancy from!)

I think it's important to make your midwife aware of this as talking about it will probably help. Sometimes voicing it makes it less scary. If you need extra help then you can get it.

Good luck and congratulations.

[bumpsoon]

I dont know about you but i never really connect with any child ive carried until i feel the first proper kicks, not the fluttering but the 'oof' theres an alien inside me movements. In my case its me dh who is ambivalent to this baby and its really starting to get me down ,to the point that i almost see no point in carrying on with our relationship . Im sorry your going through this though ,perhaps as others have suggested you are suffering from anxiety related to your previous mc and this has sort of carried on to this pregnancy .

[bevlin]

ash6605 reading your post just reminded me of exactly how I felt until last week or two. Im now 17 weeks PG with 2nd. My story is slightly different in that I didn't have a MC but I had a very high risk PG with first and knew 2nd would be a risk. I was attending the docs in January for anxiety related to the fact my DH and I started to talk about having another baby. I started to suffer from insomnia for the first time in my life and was quite depressed. By April I felt alot better and one drunken night like yourself, I fell PG. I was so depressed and like you, even the 12 week scan did nothing for me. It was like 'oh yes, thats a baby' NOTHING. I love my 2 year old DS to bits but the thought of going through another PG, birth and starting again was crushing me, I swear I didn't smile from finding out until recently. I can now feel the baby a little and am showing quite a bit. The sad feeling has completely left me and Im actually looking through baby stuff and admiring babies again. I really didn't think Id feel like this but I feel so lifted from the dark place I was in at your stage. Give it time, try not to think about it while you feel negative. I think early hormones has a lot to do with it considering such a turnaround in me.

[ash6605]

Thank you all for advice,im sorry i have taken so long to get back but it has been an awful few days.i think i have hit rock bottom and i don't know what to do about it,i have only ever felt this low once in my life and it resulted in a suicide attempt.
dh is refusing to support me,he is just completely olivious to my feelings.ive told him several times that i don't have any feelings for this baby and he just gives me emotional blackmail,showing me the scan picture and asking if i could murder what we have created.to be honest,yes i can.the way i have felt lately i wouldn't think twice about abortion.i have tried for days to contact my midwife who still isnt returning my calls.

I don't know when or why i started to feel like this but i know it got worse when my dd got swine flu.i spent days in quarantine with her totally isolated and i found out that my ds was being bullied at school as his sister was ill.i also got symptoms of it myself which was awful dealing with when my morning sickness was already at its worst point. i think the combination of feeling poorly,exhausted,hormonal and having no-one to talk to has just got to me.i feel lonely,i miss my mother who died 4 years ago and i don't know how or if i even want to get through the next 6 mmonths. my typing is shocking i am doing my best to write this with tears streaming down my face.

[Poppet45]

Right am a total hypocrite as I vowed never to post on this place again after bumping into a particularly unpleasant group of pregnant princesses, however I can't leave your message unanswered Ash.

Reading it was like reading something from myself a couple of years ago. My mum had depression - sectioned and a suicide attempt, my mum's mum had depression - taken away for awhile and I've had it twice - but in both cases it lifted without drugs. And, I think, so do you.

Depression is an illness - it's not an indictment of your pregnancy or of your feelings for this baby it's a chemical imbalance that has shrouded your life in a horrid veil that it feels you can't get out of. And under that veil is just awful, but it's just an illness it WILL lift.

Right now you must feel like all your emotions are trapped under glass. But talk to your husband, if you are feeling too numb and apathetic to get help, then ask him to get help for you.

Antenatal depression is as common as postnatal, the causes are largely the same - hormones and in some cases past traumas like your mc - and you can be helped through it.

You can be you again.

Good luck and take your first step.

[KatyS36]

I'm not sure this will help, but here goes:

I'm pregnant with a much wanted first baby. the appauling manor that I have been treated by my initial midwife and some NHS staff has made me question everything.

Don't confuse how you feel about your midwife with how you feel about your pregnancy.

Good luck with whatever you decide

[nickytwotimes]

Oh, Ash, no wonder you are so down.
This will pass though. Try to hang on to that. If you have reached rock bottom you will get better. Sorry to quote so many cliches, but they are cliches becasue they are true!
Try anothe health care person. Try the GP, the practice nurse, anyone who eill listen. Your mw is not treating you properly. Get your family to help you get some help.

[luckywinner]

Ash, I am really sorry you are feeling like this. It sounds like you have little support and that can be so difficult when your feelings are so intense. It doesn't give you much room to figure out how you are feeling.

You can keep talking about it on here and please feel you can be as honest as you need to be.

[bevlin]

ash6605 please speak to a doctor and also tell him you want to swap MW which you are allowed to do without a problem. I couldn't stand mine either and asked for a different one this time. You don't have to suffer this you know, you can feel better. I think your depression is clouding your judgement at the moment and if you had an abortion you would regret it deeply later when your in a different place. I would only make such a huge decision if I felt strong and clear minded about it. I get the impression you just need to stop feeling like this and that seems the only answer at the moment but it's not. As I say, I think it could cause more problems later on. As for your DH, most men are just useless when it comes to doing/saying the right thing in a cricis. Speaking to an outsider like your doc who will be able to help will be more constructive for now. Maybe then your DH will take more notice. Youv'e had a hellish time lately but it will be so different a few months from now. xx

[lynneevans51]

Ash - as some other posters have indicated, I believe you have ante-natal depression. I believe I too have this and there are many other posters on MN who have the same. Visit www.dipcare.org for some more information. Please do talk to your midwife or GP though - it is probably the only way to move forward. I had the same with my DC2 and it did NOT get better until childbirth when the hormone/chemical inbalance corrected itself. Don't just leave it thinking it will get better - get help from somone - there may even be a support group in your area. You are not going mad and it is the pg hormones that can do this to you.

[dizzymare]

Ash, I'm one of those who Lynne is talking about. I'm finding things really hard like yourself, and have recently been prescribed ads plus a wait for counselling. Please take a chance and see your dr, I'm willing to chat to you if you want to. I've had/got some really lovely understanding support from these ladies on MN, so you're not alone with feeling like this.

Take care

[ash6605]

thank-you all for being so understanding.i honestly expected to have had awful replys and disapproval for considering termination.

i am feeling a lot better this week,i think this is partly due to my sickness easing and also because i have finally heard from hospital with my booking in apt and 20 week scan appt. I managed to have a good chat with dh,showed him this thread and he is showing me a lot more support,him just knowing how i feel was a weight off my shoulder.i really hope i continue to feel like this as i am finally starting to 'want' this baby.

[orangina]

I have to admit I didn't want dc#2 until he was born. Am sure I had ante natal depression. He was not really planned (we did want another child, but the pregnancy itself was not planned and I felt really horribly negative and annoyed about it) and I felt so so negative and horrible for 99% of my pregnancy. No-one would put me on ads, so we managed (am sure dh wanted to divorce me though, I was HELL to live with), but it felt so chemical and toxic.....

More or less as soon as he was born, I felt FINE. Bizarre. I then felt horribly guilty for feeling so negative etc for 9 months. Kept apologizing to him as a baby. He is of course completely gorgeous and while I can remember the fact of feeling so dreadful during my pregnancy, the actual feeling itself has totally faded.

I do wish someone had prescribed me ads though. It would (I'm sure) have made a huge difference. FWIW, he is the jolliest child now, always had been, so all the negativity didn't have any adverse effect.....

[orangina]

And while my GP wouldn't prescrobe me ADs, she was lovely and understanding and told me I could go and see her anytime for a chat. So I did get lots of support, which helped a bit....