Confused and Upset - Advice needed please!

[MusicalMummyJules]

Hey All,

I'm a returning member to Mumsnet and it's lovely to be back on again, however I wish it was under better circumstances. I'm messaging because I really need some advice.

On Sunday morning I found out I was pregnant. I'd had a inkling as my periods had stopped since March and although my doctor suggested it was because I was on a new pill, I was still unsure as I had already been feeling the pregnancy symptoms.

I've been with my current boyfriend for six months and we've been very happy and already know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together and he's been a great step-parent to my DD who is now 7.

I've been to the doctor and I'm waiting for a scan, and we think I'm about 11 - 13 weeks pregnant.

Anyway to cut a long message short, we've been chatting about what we are going to do as we seem to have completely different opinions, its definitely not an ideal time to have another child and our financial status isn't great. He feels he isn't ready to be a father. Although the pregnancy is a huge shock to me and its not the best time, I seriously don't think I can have an abortion. I just don't know what to do, he doesn't want to force me to do something I don't want to do (he's been very understanding) however I don't want to force him to be a father when his heart is obviously not in it.

Would really appreciate some advice as I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long message!

Right well first it's really good that you are both able to talk about how this makes you feel - and you're in agreement that this is a scary and unexpected thing.

Being stunned by this news, wishing that it was otherwise and not knowing what to do are all perfectly normal reactions - and doesn't mean that he won't be a good father if you continue with the pregnancy. I always think that's why pregnancy is 9 months long - gives you time to sort out all the ramifications!

Financewise - well there's never a perfect time. What is your housing situation - and work? I hope you have friends and family that can rally round and help out with baby stuff - and that really is as expensive as you want it to be - iyswim. If childcare etc is an issue - well just don't panic, there are ways round things and it may involve you or dp working odd hours or odd jobs but it can be done.

The critical thing for you both is to be at peace with yourselves - and imo it's a lot easier to live with an unexpected baby than it is a whole lot of regret and grief. Good Luck!

It's a very personal decision. I can only speak for myself, but if you have any doubts as to whether or not it is something you want to do, I wouldn't. Many, many couples find themselves pregnant when the timing is not at its best, but things have a way of working out. Men in committed relationships usually come around....because they know it is about more than just them. It is when they are not fully committed in the first place that they tend to panic and take off.

Right now it is a bit of a shock, and that can take getting used to, but you would have several months to prepare.

Another thing to consider, as much as you may not want to....you and your boyfriend have only been together for six months. Yes, it is going well, but there are never any guarantees. Your child would be your child forever.

There are definitely valid reasons couples have for deciding on abortion, and again, it is an individual decision, but the emotional results tend to be best when both parties are in agreement. It is something you would want to go into feeling confident that it is the best choice for you.

You do also have the option of adoption that you can consider. For some people that is the best choice.

Northernlurker has kind of said it all for me.

Have you considered pregnancy counselling? You could ring British Pregnancy Advisory Service and make an appointment for this super-fast.

It would be good if dp could go with you,.

Hey hun, I'm in sort of a similar position to you in that I have a DD already, have found the one and although we've been together a little longer me and my partner are still in a relatively new relationship (2 years)

It was a huge shock for us to begin with but we came to the conclusion that we were certain that we are for life, something which I don 't think you can swear to when it's not true and that we would take each other through this.

Money means nothing, when you've got the right mix your little family flows from it.

I think your biggest clue is in his relationship with your child.

Good luck, hope it all works out as it should x

Whether or not to continue the pregnancy is a decision only you can make, but you have to make it thinking of yourself. Ending a pregnancy purely for the sake of a couple-relationship is always a bad thing to do because you will always end up hating the man for making you do it.

Hey All

Many thanks for all your advice. We're still in the throws of discussing it all but I know in my heart of hearts that I can't face an abortion and if I'm totally honest with myself I'm really excited about being a mum again which of course, fills me with guilt. As I said before, DP is absolutely fantastic with my DD and I know he will be a fantastic father but I also know he had not even planned on having kids before he met me and had so many plans, like traveling around Japan etc which he feels he can't do anymore. I feel like I am forcing this decision on him. We're still not even sure how far gone I am as we have to wait for the scan...

He may have a change of heart when he sees the scan - hopefully he will be able to come along with you. It sounds like you know already that you will have this baby, and really the problem here for you is how to help you and him work this through given his feelings. It is fantastic that you are recognising his worries and point of view and I agree that counselling would be the thing to do here. Life for all of us is about change and comprimise, some things bigger and more unexpected than others but somehow we all muddle through.
Good luck with everything.

I think to be fair to him you have to give him the opportunity to walk away, just as you have to give yourself the opportunity to end the pregnancy: unless he was utterly reckless about contraception or initially the one who wanted a baby, he doesn't owe you a commitment just because you are PG. Yes he should make financial contributions and see his DC regularly, but explaining to him that he doesn't have to marry/move in with you may make him feel better about the situation. And if you don't do the 'You;ve had your fun now you have to pay for it' thing with him he may well be a great co-parent and/or husband-and-father in the future.

My partner of 12 years, (who I have a 10 year old with) felt the same, I informed him that I would not have a termination but that he knew where the door was if he wanted to go, he still has some residual doubts but is coming to terms with the decision.

It took my DH the whole 9mths of preg and first 3 mths before he could enjoy our DD, we'd been married a year and together around 6 yrs. It's the same for us for my preg now (8.5wks), but I know at around 3mths he'll be fine again. If you can support your DP to get to this point (where he can see his child), he may really appreciate your understanding in the long-run. From my experience most men don't have an instant 'connection' with a pregnancy. While lots of women can mentally link ahead to EDD, sex of child, scan dates etc early on. GOOD LUCK