how can one man ruin 2 pregnancies?!?! sympathy please!

[Ryn]

I got pregnant with my first daughter to someone who has since ruined my life! we met/moved in/got pregnant quite quickly and I thought that life would be good. Had a bad pregnancy and baby ended up very small and in special care! He became very controlling and violent throughout the pregnancy and when she got here he got worse! After 10 months of torture and him putting my daughter at serious risk of harm (including putting her at 4 months on my gas hob and making me watch) , i decided enough was enough and made him go! Hot drink in my face which narrowly missed her was the final straw!
After refusing to take him back but still allowing him to see our baby weekly (supervised) he told me he would ruin my life! To cut a long story short (kindof) i have lost my job (had a professional career)been on anti depressants and had to take out a 10k loan for legal exp, all of which is gone and the court case he launched against me for unsupervised access still isnt finalised and expected to be at least another 4k!!!

All this and he still sees her for c7hours a week, all i ask is that there is another responsible adult present!

Amidst all of this I have met someone else and he is wonderful with me and my daughter and 12 months later we are expecting our very own daughter! Since EX found out, we are being harrassed, he is suing me for me to sell the home me and his daughter live in, even though he has his own home which he bought outright with our joint savings etc etc etc. Now 29 weeks with baby 2 and its all just getting too much for me!

he will never go away! this will never end! he will never just be happy to see our daughter regularly and leave at that! its like a living hell!

I need some friendly words of encouragement!
Feel like I bore everyone with this but it just gets worse! We have no money left at all and I feel so sad. This should be a lovely time and he is managing to make me feel so low! My new man is great support but I still feel like its my problem and I am alone with it!
Do domestic abusers ever give up?????????????????

I feel so bad for you. You must keep fighting he will give up, my mum and dad split he kept it going for about a year then he just got bored. If you prove him to be unsuitable for unsupervised visits can you defer solicitors fees on to him. Might be time to fight back and threaten to sue for your savings as sadly I doubt he really cares about seeing your dd but he might back off if he thinks he might lose the money. I really hope things get better for you soon.

You could always move to jersey its almost impossible to take anyone living there to court

thanks and you are right it is a lot about the money although to hear him she is the most precious thing in his life, and all of the hideous things he did were 'new parent' mistakes!!! He had me demented watching my baby being put in so much danger and being forced to watch! I hate him but try to be nice to him infront of her. He has no real friends and very little else in his life and I fear that he will never stop! The court have helped so far but at a huge financial cost. At end of day money means nothing compared with her safety but if I havent got any left what happens then?

Not eligible to legal aid on grounds i dont have a mortgage, which sounds great on paper but have huge loan repayments that are more than mortgage payment that they dont take into account in their calculations. And i cant get a mortgage as he owns half house and i no longer have a job!

I just hope all of this stress isnt impacting on dd2 who isnt even here yet!!! xx

I am sure the stress is not infecting dd2. Your ex sounds like a complete arsehole there are better words I can think of but will settle for that at the moment. I can understand why you are so scared it would keep me awake at night the thought of such an abusive person unsupervised with my ds. I realise its not about the money but more worried the consequences if you run out of money. Do you know when the court will make a decision. I hate people like him they make your life hell fight and argue and all for some control kicks. I had an abusive ex when I was younger got pg through rape at 15 and it ended with a termination as he was abusing me so much I feared I would lose anyway. But what really bugged me was him telling everyone that he was suicidal and depressed and seeking counselling because he lost me and baby. I thought how dare he try and suceed at getting sympathy for this mess. Just glad I was able to cut ties completely as I can understand the nightmare you are going through must be much worse.

"'new parent' mistakes"

No, he's a fucked up sadist. Holding your baby on the gas hob? What, and threatening to turn it on? Yeah, that's the sort of thing someone does to a mother to watch her get frantic and freak out. It's a power game, pure and simple. He enjoyed wielding his power over you. What a piece of shit This guy is another candidate for the patio treatment.

Sorry, just skimming your post has my seething.

Can you go and stay with a relative until the baby is born? Or move somewhere far away from him, so he can't have such regular contact with his daughter and you? I know it's upheaval, but honestly you need to put some distance between him and you.

would love to move away but am bound under the court order to allow him supervised access and no one else will do it. my mother did until he was so vile with her she wouldnt go back! the order says he mustnt threaten or be aggressive towards me but he is an expert and is very subtle in his ways!

I am so worried about DD. She is beautiful, intelligent and funny and most of all very content and loves my new partner so much too! They are best friends. I have always made sure that she knows that her dad is her dad but am now worried that he will control her. He has already started by buying her toys then at end of every session making her give them back to him and not letting her bring them home! she is only 2! she doesnt understand and thinks she has done something wrong!

ps. my patio is too good for that bastard! ( bad language apologies!!!)

My god you are doing a hell of alot better than I would, able to be polite for the sake of your dd. I think it would show remarkable control on my part not to rip his man bits off. You are certainly a stronger woman than I.

Get your doctor to write you a note that you can present to the court saying you are finding the sessions to stressful and in the interests of your and your baby's health you cannot continue visitations until at least a month after the baby is born.

It wont even be lying.

Perhaps you could hire a nanny to drop her off? Or perhaps even a big burly guy with knuckledusters who has issues with men who hurt women?

as opposed as i am to any violence, i think all he will understand is a good slap from someone bigger than he is!!!

Omg Ryn, what a nightmare! Men are total idiots aren't they?! I know people who 'know ppl' if you want him sorting out!!! lol.
I'm not with my baby's Dad at the mo and hearing your story makes me think I maybe shouldn't even let his name go on his birth cirtificate, that way at least if there are problems in the future he doesn't have a leg to stand on regarding fighting for access etc.

There's not much I can say apart from thank god you're not with him anymore and your so lucky that you've found a decent man (there's not many out there! lol).
He sounds like an absolute waste of space and sounds like your daughter would be better off without him in her life.
Maybe you could pack up and move to Spain?!

My neighbour had her daughter taken off of her for neglect and she was placed with her father & the father's family.

Access visits were arranged through social services, and they provided the supervision as my neighbour was violent & aggresive towards the father & his family.

They were held in a social services run childrens centre so in a mutual location.

Just wondering if something similar could be arranged for your situation??

Socail workers are not always the big bad guys as the press likes to make them out to be.

you are a very brave & strong women - good luck to you!