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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

bad news, in need of advice

17 replies

victoralice · 23/05/2009 23:10

I've miscarried a baby this week, worse than that I found out that the baby I had carried to 12 weeks had been dead for 3 of those weeks with no indication. I had a 'wash out' I think the term is under general anaesthetic.

I was under the impression that if you felt lousy baby was fine. I felt awfully lousy, and the baby was dead.

I'm 38 this was my 3rd pregnancy, I have two beautiful, healthy children that I am thankful for everyday.

This is very recent but I'm scared. I don't know what to do. The maternal urge is very strong, do I let this miscarriage put me off a third child, it was the worst day of my life. Or do I carry on, I know statistically that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so my next one might be fine. I'm frightened that I might be chasing an impossible dream and that in doing that I might make myself unhappy. If I felt I was the kind of person that could have a see what comes attitude but I haven't. If I decide to go ahead with another pregnancy I know I will be anguished until I sm pregnant and then anguished yet again until 12 weeks.

I had my fertility tested before I got pregnant and for my age it was very good. I got pregnant on the first attempt. The nurse in the clinic said it might have been because my eggs are old. My GP has encouraged me to try again. I'm so confused and I feel a great big hole has opened up inside of me.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 23/05/2009 23:17

Oh sweetie.
I don't think anything anyone says will make you feel better. Alot of women miscarry, even if they are alot younger then you they can miscarry. There's often no reason or any way of knowing. It's down to you and your partner/husband to decide whether to try again. Are they doing some tests to find out what happened?

l39 · 23/05/2009 23:17

I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't miscarried, but I know it's very common. What the nurse said seems really unnecessary to me, and ridiculous considering 22 year olds suffer miscarriages too. I'm 40 and my gp was very encouraging when I asked her some months ago if it was safe to have another child. I'm 19 weeks now. I don't know if I would have tried again if I miscarried earlier in this pregnancy.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 23/05/2009 23:18

victoralice I have no constructive advice here but just wanted to say how sorry I am about your miscarriage.

All I can say I had few friends who went on to have problem free pgs after a miscarriage. It does not make this one any easier and it won't take the worry away if you decide to go for number 3 I am sure.

I had 2 straight forward pgs and were I to go for number 3 I would not envisage a possible miscarriage even though it is a possibility for everyone. If it had to happen to me it would turn my world upside down like it did for you.

Give yourself a bit of time. It's hard to make a decision now.

Neeko · 23/05/2009 23:18

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss. I too had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks (my baby had also died at 9 weeks) It is the most awful thing to go through and my heart goes out to you. You will be very raw right now and are naturally greiving. You need to allow yourself to do this. Only you will know whether you want to TTC again. It's a very personal decision.
I'd recommend you join the emmsy's thread within the miscarriage topic as there are ladies there who are having similar experiences and you can talk to them.
Once again, I'm really sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

happyjules · 23/05/2009 23:20

So sorry for your loss. I too am 38 and mc 10 weeks ago. It would have been my third baby. My mmc was diagnosed at 13 weeks and the baby had died at 11 weeks and I had no idea.
Yes, I am trying to conceive again and it is one hell of a rollercoaster that I feel glued to, but I know that the risks are onens that I must take if I am to have my longed for third child.
Give yourself time as it is early days and make the decisions you need to when the time is right. Good luck

Rumpel · 23/05/2009 23:20

Oh am so sorry. This happened with my first pg and I thought I was feeling better as i got to 12 weeks but bubba had passed over - a missed mc. I went on to have a healthy baby girl though - concieving 3 months later. I now have 2 bubbas. Yes it was scary but if you feel that strongly then go for it again - I always think what is for you won't go by you and I don't mean that flippantly at all. Best of luck and big hugs.xxxx

drlove8 · 23/05/2009 23:23

victoralice im so sorry for your loss. The nurse wasnt very nice tbh im quite for you ...Your only 38 fgs!.From what you have posted i think you want to try again, id do that as soon as you feel able to.just have a wee check up first to make sure your ok to do so... get your iron checked and start on those pre-natel vitamins...chances are the next baby will be fine, you have two DC already so you know you can do this.x

Original poster

victoralice · 24/05/2009 17:33

Thank you so much all of you. Your words of advice have really given me hope. Today I'm in a better frame of mind but I know this is liable to change at the slightest thing.

I really wished the nurse hadn't said that my eggs might be old. I know of some women who have conceived older than me. I'm quite active and have an average BMI. The GP who referred me has told me not to give up, in her words 1 in 4 babies are miscarriages and this is mine.

For those of you who have had this experience and have tried again, you are brave ladies and I take heart from you. My thoughts today are that I will try again, I just wish there were a switch in my brain to switch off the feelings of anxiety ie, 'I'll never conceive again' or 'I'm too old'. I ask myself how I would advise someone in my position and the answer would be to get good advice, stay positive and go for it.

I will join the thread on miscarriages and further pregnancies at some point in the future, at the moment it seems a little too raw.

Once again, thank you so much for your kind words and advice. They have helped a lot.

Alison

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 24/05/2009 17:53

Goodness, you're only 38! Some women don't start families until that age!

What the nurse said must have been very hurtful, and at a very vulnerable time. But you don't want to be looking back in ten years' time and thinking "I would have liked another, but then I had a miscarriage and someone said something which put me off trying again".

Be kind to yourself, regroup, and then go for it again. I am so sorry this happened to you, but if you want another baby, I think you should go for it.

Tee2072 · 24/05/2009 17:58

The first thing I would do is ignore the nurse who said your eggs were too old. I am 40 and due to deliver my first in about 3 - 4 weeks.

I would give yourself time to grieve and then try again, if you still want a third baby.

juuule · 24/05/2009 18:04

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Please try not to be too despondent about thinking your eggs are old. It only takes one good one.
I had my first mmc between my 1st and 2nd babies. I was 28. It's not always about age sometimes it's just bad luck and that is more likely to be what it was in your case.
I have had another 7 m/c but I have had 9 children.
I came to the conclusion that if I had enough attempts then 1 should stick. You have already had 2 successful pregnancies so this is probably just bad luck.
As my mum once said, where there's one, there's more.
Be kind to yourself in the next few weeks. It's a huge shock.

juuule · 24/05/2009 18:05

Oh and my last 3 babies were at 38, 40 and almost 44. You have plenty of time yet.

FabulousBakerGirl · 24/05/2009 18:07

I am so sorry.

I know that the fact I had another baby afterwards has helped me with the fact I have had 2 losses.

mrsboogie · 24/05/2009 18:09

The nurse was taking crap. 38 is not too old.I had a missed m/c at 8 weeks when I was 39. I too had got pg at the first attempt. I waited a year (principally to lose weight) and got pregnant again at the first attempt. That baby is now 9 months old and perfectly fine. I won't lie - once you have a missed m/c your innocence is lost and it is very difficult to enjoy pregnancy without worrying at every twinge. It is horribe to discover that you have spent weeks thinking that baby was growing inside you but was actually dead.

But if you read these thread you will see that this happens to younger woman all the time.

I you want another baby go ahead and get pregnant - its worth the risk.

shellmc · 24/05/2009 18:14

Hiya,

Just want to add, that my mam got pregnant with my younger brother at 39! so dont think ur too old or u have old eggs, really cant understand why she wud have sed that ?????
U take care hun and give urself time to grieve, and once ur ready go for it!!!

xxxxxxxx

babyblue3 · 25/05/2009 14:58

I definitely agree with mrsboogie. pregnancy after a m/c is different. The innocence is definitely lost. I am not saying you can't enjoy the pg, but you will worry a lot more, and until you pass the point where you lost the one baby, you won't be able to relax. I had a m/c in October after 3 successful pregnancies. Even though I was only 6.5 weeks along, I was devastated. But my want for another baby was strong, and I got pregnant right away. I am due in July and this pregnancy has been fine. I tried my best to relax and enjoy what is definitely my last pg (I'm almost 37 and this is baby #4). I know that I will be sad when my lost bean's due date comes up (in a couple of weeks), but I think that is part of the ongoing healing process. My advice is ignore what the nurse said, and follow your heart.

Paolosgirl · 25/05/2009 15:19

So sorry to hear of your loss

I went through exactly the same thing a few years ago - I had a scan at 11 weeks, only to find that the baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks. For that month I did feel lousy, although I had a suspicision that all was not well as I wasn't being violently sick as I had been with the 2 DC's.

Dh and I were both devastated, and it took us a long time to get over it. We actually put the thought of a third child to the back of our minds until a little accident happened when I was 38 and he was 44. To say we were surprised is putting it mildly, but I'm delighted that DC3 is here and wouldn't change things for the world - though I did worry a lot in the early days of the pregnancy.

Go easy on yourself, give yourself time to grieve and to come to terms with your awful loss, and then if you decide to try again, then go for it. I don't know if it is true, but when my sister m/c her third, after 2 successful pregnancies, her GP told her that the third pregnancies are often the hardest to carry to term. Good luck.

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