Help - pregnant, already got 3 kids and really not sure i want this - please dont judge me!

[mumwith3kidshusbanddog]

Heres the thing, i think i'm a good mum and good person. If i'd thought i'd get myself into the current situation i would have cringed at the thought, and well here i am. A bit of history first, i used to have a really good job, working long hours, i used to party hard. I used to live with my boyfriend until he dumped me leaving me devastated. I spent a long time working and partying harder, whilst effectively trying to get over the break up. During this time I met this great guy who had everything on paper except the sexual click. After 4 months i found myself pregnant and decided have the baby. We got married and settled down and had 2 more babies. Everything on paper sounds great, lovely house, kids, some cash, nice holidays - except i'm not really that happy and still find myself dreaming about my ex (6 years later). I have always stayed friends with my ex and since christmas things have become more honest about what happened between us. He has admitted to me that he was devasted when i got pregnant/married and had hoped we would have gotten back together. He is your typical commitment phobic b*stard and i think our relationship just got too serious too young (we met at uni). He admits he wishes we could be together and that despite who he goes out with noone comes close to me. I should also mention there has always been a massive sexual click with him. At christmas he kissed me at a get together. I felt my sexual drive which has diminished to nothing since having kids came back in an instant I felt like my old self again. Nothing came of that kiss apart from us both admitting it was amazing but shouldn't have happened. I fantasise about being with him and being happy - i feel that for the past 6 years i have only cared that my husband and kids are happy and that it doesn't matter about me and i don't want to upset my children. This week i found out i was pregnant, my instant feelings are dread and i feel trapped. This is not what i want. I can honestly say i've never considered abortion but now i'm not sure, i feel abit torn between saving me or saving this unborn child. What should i do. I can't tell any of my friends incase they judge me and think badly of me. I would like to add my marriage is fine, infact hes my best friend and a great guy, everything is fantastic except that we just don't click sexually and no matter what we try it is just very average and unfull-filling - very shallow i know but also one difficult to talk to mums/husbands/friends about without looking like a sex maniac (which i'm not) or selfish. I'm just not sure i have the strength to have another baby.

Hmmm not sure what to say really.

I think a lot of us have that first love type relationship where we always think the grass is greener .... invariably it isn't.

Your husband is a great guy, you say that. You have a lot to be thankful for.

As for this new pregnancy, I know what you mean about feeling trapped. its a perfectly common reaction. Have you talked about it with your dh ?

You can make a choice here.

Sorry you're having so mnay difficault feelings and you have so much thinking today. I think you have 2 separate issues - your relationship and the pregnancy.

Withought knowing you, the only thing I would say is be really careful. There are not many people for whom unfinished business isn't sometimes more attractive - the unknown can seem so tempting. These are very human feelings but they are not always to be relied upon. Good luck in chossing the right path for you.

I'm not judging - just wondering how you'll feel at a later date. You say everything is fine in your marriage, it's just the sex that isn't full of fireworks. Are you really going to be OK in the future knowing you've split your family, deprived your 3 children from having their father full time (and maybe terminated a pregnancy) and devastated a man you say is a great guy and your best friend just because you had a twitchy fanjo? Personally, if I were in your situation I'd get my butt down to Ann Summers, try to spice up my existing sex life and avoid the tempting ex if I was worried I couldn't enjoy the flirting without wanting more.

I totally understand how you are feeling but feel it would be a massive mistake to risk everything you have now for some sexual chemistry with a man you admit is a b*stard and gives no gurantee of sticking by you and your children.

Being a mum to 3 is hard work and leaves little time for self endulgence so perhaps you need a bit of pampering and made to feel special. I just think that this should be encouraged from you dh who sounds lovely rather than looking elsewhere and possibly opening up a whole can of worms.

Do take care and don't be too hard on yourself

How very complicated.

The first thing I think is that you say your ex is commitment phobic. Playing devil's advocate it may be that he currently wants you because you are married to another chap. Whether he would feel the same if you were single with at least three kids in tow is a different question.

In my experience when someone says they are not satisfied with some aspect of their relationship it often means that really they are not satisfied with their life - or who they have become - in general. If you could find a middle ground - such as making sure you had time to do something just for you every week and getting an identity other than wife and mother - would that make a difference? I am not judging you, BTW, I just think that maybe this issue isn't about these two men; maybe it is really about how you feel about yourself.

I think you sound quite depressed.

Don't rush into anything. Can you ask your GP for a bit of counselling?

not wanting to judge but the sex can't be that bad with you DH or you wouldn't be preggers with the fourth one ;)

the grass will always be greener on the other side, its the same for all of us really. I say you should just learn to live with what you have already and don't ruin a great life. Try and look at your situation in a positive light.

thanks everyone for your support. I do have a life outside kids i run my own business, and i don't think i'm depressed. When i say the marriage is fantastic what i mean is hes a great friend, and we have good banter. He puts up with a lot from me, as i work alot as i really want my business to be a success and i know he'd say i'm more passionate about my kids and work over him, which is prob true, but it feels like its my only chance to escape. When it comes to sex, we are at the point where we can go days without any physical contact (i mean not even a kiss) and he doens't seem bothered by this as hes from a family that isn't physical but it saddens me. And when its sex i'm almost biting the cushion to stop myself from telling him to get off me - i know that sounds terrible but i struggle to even 'snog' the attraction is just not there, i just literally get on with it and see it as wife duties. He says i don't love him and i do, i think i still have anger issues for getting pregnant in the beginning and not having a choice of settling down with him and as much as i have tried (anne summers, vibrators, you name it) i just can't seem to muster up the sexual appetite. I have resigned myself to just having a loveless marriage. We have been using condoms and when i found out i was pregnant, he asked me that night if he could have a few 'free shots' without condoms.. it made me feel sick.

I think the question boils down to do you want to continue your marriage?

I think you should forget about the former lover for the time being while you consider the more important topic of your marriage and your pregnancy. This other fella probably has no idea what life with 3 kids is like and is perhaps excited by your 'unavailability.' How long would he take to tire of the less glamourous family life rather than the old party girl he once fancied (but dumped)?

I think that if you leave your marriage you should try and do so without involving anyone else, remain on good terms with dh for the kids sake if nothing else. Good luck].

as others have said, it is very complex. Relationship stuff aside, finding out your pregnant with an unplanned fourth is a MASSIVE shock. My fourth is due in August and it took me about 3 months to get my head round it.

From what you've told us, this other man would be a very bad thing for you to get involved with.

Focus on what's going on in your marriage. You say your DH is your best friend and you have great banter, he also sounds incredibly supportive of you. IMHO that is a fantastic basis for a successful longterm marriage. The sex thing can be worked on. You need to be honest (as much as you can without hurting DH's feelings) about how you feel. Have you considered relationship/sex counselling?

You do sound like you're stuck in a rut. This does happen very often in relationships, as the saying goes, it quite often coincides with the '7 yr itch' thing which sounds like the sort of time you've been together.

I really do think you'd be risking an awful lot by investing your time and thoughts into this other man, it just wouldn't end well.

As far as the pregnancy goes, it's very early days, you've only just found out you're pregnant, give yourself a bit of time. Like someone else said, maybe go to your GP and ask for some counselling.

I've not posted on MN before but really had to because so much of what you describe - I've been there. (I'm going to have to change my ID after this!)

My long term partner and I went through a spell of no-sex that lasted at least 5 years - no kidding. It dried up slowly but started out with the type of thing you describe, me feeling repulsed, bored, just wanting it over and done with, dreading to go to bed at night in case he tried it on. I couldn't leave him because he is wonderful man, good friend, and totally supportive of me my work etc - I knew most other men would demand I spent less time working and more time at home. So it was 'easy' to stay with him even though I was sure it would have to come to an end one day.

We both got drunk on a holiday and sex started again. It wasn't fireworks but I was so relieved to join the land of 'normal' again I decided to just keep my mouth shut, resign myself to 'no sparks' and be glad I had a good man.

This is not what has happened. I saw him suddenly with different eyes because he was, unlike me, utterly nervous about sex again and it made me want to cry to see his anxiety and concern for ME over himself. I realised how I had dented his sense of security as a man by revealing my 'sexual disinterest' to him over the years. My talk of need for toys, Ann Summers stuff etc to 'try get things going' made things so much worse for him because I was essentially telling him he was rubbish in bed but without the other talk about why it had got there. Sadly, the more insecure he got, the more careful and 'safe' the sex got and turned into a cycle that got worse and worse until we stopped touching each other at all.

I also realised that the one thing that I counted as a plus with him - the fact he gave me time to pursue my career, made no demands on me, was happy to accept the conditions as they came - was also one thing that made me respect him less. I'd describe him as a 'nice guy' to others, but I had internalised him in my head as a 'doormat' - and that was what had knocked my sexual interest in him.

I feel very different know. I love him with all my heart - I see how incredible he has been all these years. I feel like I am so lucky to have caught a break. Had he left me - and he was well within his rights too - I wouldn't have what I have now. I sometimes find myself just looking at him and thinking how damn lucky I am, how amazing he is, and I get these rushes of love that I NEVER had in other relationshiops with so-called 'sexier' men.

Truth - Sex is not 'fireworks' like when you first meet but it is so loving and wonderful and from what I understand with friends, that's the way it gets after years together. I can HONESTLY say the thought of having sex with anyone else totally repulses me now. I also know full well that an assertive confident go-getting James Bond type of man who wouldn't tolerate nonsense from me would also end in tears - my tears.

I know you're not me and everyone is different, but I guess it concerns me that you have SO SO much to lose if you get this wrong. I'd encourage you to go for couple counselling and try figure it out - it may not be sex-toys that you need, but for the two of you to reconnect on a deep level and maybe (if he's feeling like I think my dh was) for him to feel he can trust you on that level again. In my experience, deep profound love is so much more bonding than sex. Also, in my experience, the problems with sex are not to do with 'sex' but with the relationship between people.

On the other guy - who I think is a bit irrelevant in all this really - MrsHappy makes a very good point. Leopards don't change their spots. I agree with her that if he's committment phobic you're the most attractive type to him. Bottom line is the guy you're lusting over is still EXACTLY THE SAME GUY who dumped you and devastated you no matter what you tell yourself now. He will do it again. In fact, I'd like to slap him for even daring to try rekindle things with you when you have so much to lose - if he cared about you, he'd be yearning for things to come right for you and your three kids instead of messing with it.

I'm not judging you babe (I am judging the other guy though!). It's hard, I know. But be really really careful. I hope things come right for you and wish you the very best.

Sorry long post - you hit a very old nerve with me xx

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