How can i get him to think positively about this child?

[SevernTrentWater]

How can i get my man to think more positively about children? How can i reduce his absolute terror of parenthood and see less of a burden, anger, resentment, and more positivity about the future? Before, or after the baby is born? I can't just tell him what i think, tried it, it just makes him more convinced that he is right (although he does say that he is aware that he isn't doing the 'decent' thing by cultural standards) as I'm expecting a baby in a couple of months. My Fiance doesn't want it. Before an unplanned pregnancy came along we were planning to get married in a few years when we had the money. I know he loves me very much, but apparantly staying around with a baby isn't 'logical' in terms of his future, it's just his emotions getting in the way of what is rational. He says it's him or it because he will resent it's existence in his life, he won't be able to love it like a father should, and he can't handle a child, that he is too immature and that he really doesn't like children and never would have wanted them, that he can't be a 'provider' if he hasn't chosen to be a father, although he would probably have agreed to it if everything else was in order (house etc) which it isn't.

If he can so easily leave me on the grounds of his convictions then i can't expect him to feel anything after the baby is born can I?

did he ever want children?

if he was my fiancé, and was being so blatantly immature and selfish , i would be packing his bags , sending him on his way and building a more positive and constructive future alone , or with a man who was acutally father material

he might be kicking against the unplannednes of this pregnancy and worrying about being a good father and provider, all of whihc are normal worries, but to say he will resent the baby and you have to choose is taking it a step too far

of course, thre is the chance he oculd totally reverse his position when the baby arrives, or it might confirm everything he fears

does he like to be in control of everything and plan everything?

This is tough. Becoming a parent is very very frightening and I guess being a dad more so because you just don't have the same bond during pregnancy.

He is being very selfish but you know that, I'm very sorry that you're in this position.

On first reading your post I thought let fate take course. See how he feels when your baby gets here. But thats easier said than done.

Thoughts are with you hun, hope you can stay strong and have family around you for support x

Just read that back and i'm really sorry I wasn't more positive.

Thinking again about it maybe you can remind him why he is the one you would choose to have children with. Tell him why you love him and what qualities he has that you want to pass onto your children.

We were all selfish beings at one point, it's a very natural progression through life. The next step really is becoming aware that the only way we really make our mark on the world is through the morals and beliefs that we pass down to our children.

If he is really the one for you, then he is also really the one to father your children and it will work out that way. Thats what I mean by fate.

When I was with my Ex, I was honest with him from the start, said I really wanted children and now, had been trying 7 yrs with EXDP, we had year tog, then he said I'll sell the car and we'll have IVF, (had been told natural conception cahnce, nil).

I had a colposcopy, and another laproscopy, 6 wks later I was preggers, >He said its me or it, so I moved out Tosser.

My dd is now 14, we went on to have another dc, my ds1, now nearly 12 but split up for lots other reasons. He always loved the kids in his own way, but has never been a good dad, if that makes sense, he's just not daddy material.

Sadly, they know this, and to be brutally hones, they use him now cos they see him very infrequently and he always buys them stuff. They love him cos he's their dad, but my dh, is the person who's been there when they's being sick in the night, when my ds is winning footballl trophies, and when my dd had a night out in a limo for her 13th birthday.

He'll buy them a car when they're 17, kids are very much looking forward to this, but I wonder who'll be walking my dd down the aisle? It certainly won't be him.

I think what I'm saying is, perhaps prepare yourself to be the primary carer, if he feels that strongly, then chances are he would resent the child, I know my ex did, and still does.

It's ok, you can do it, if it's not him, then Mr right is till out there, mine was.

Hope it works out for you.

He never really wanted children, well, not until late thirties and if it was too late...'oh well' i know this issue would have come up sooner or later because i always wanted a family but love is blind lol. On the positive side he is staying with me through my pregnancy and at the birth as i have no one else around and although its stressful its less stressful than being on my own! I'd like to issue him that ultimatum, 'go then you tosser' but if i did that he would run out of sheer panic, so i'm hoping to develop a softly softly approach...i'm not optimistic though. It's very scary as single motherhood i never envisioned; it will be hard.

Hi there, i am so sorry to hear you're in such an awful situation. My situation when i was pregnant with ds was similar. I stayed with exdp until ds was 3 when i finally found the courage to leave. It was the best thing i ever did, i loved being a single mum and my son wanted for nothing, no thanks to his father. Your fiance may have a change of heart after the birth but if not, how do you think such negative feelings are going to affect your baby. Good luck in whatever you do x

Hi STW - I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this stress when you are pregnant. I don't know if this will help but my DP was very reluctant to have children before I got pregnant - he couldn't see any benefits and just saw all the things he/we would have to give up. He was worried a baby would ruin our relationship and we would never have any fun again. I could picture myself as a mother and knew I wanted that but I think the whole 'being a dad' concept was too abstract for him - he couldn't imagine loving a baby that just seemed so much work. What made a huge difference was talking about specific things we would do as a family/he would do as a dad - him teaching our kids to ride a bike and to swim, making them giggle, playing football, taking them camping/hiking (which he loves), fixing his motorbike together, holidays we would go on together etc. One of his friends told him how much he loves it that his DD is always excited to see him and thinks he is the greatest, funniest, most wonderful person in the world. It changed DPs mind and he is really excited about the baby. He still knows it will be hard work at times and the baby won't 'do much' at first (his words!) but I think he really needed to be able to picture the good bits and to see the baby as an actual little person IYKWIM. Just saying he would love the baby when it arrived wasn't enough for him.

I was lucky that DP loves outdoor type stuff the kids will be able to join in with once they are old enough and he has a couple of friends who enjoy being a dad - can you try to help your man picture the good things about parenthood.

However things work out with your man congratulations on your bump and good luck for the future.

My DP, while less extreme than yours (our pg was planned and it was a conscious decision for both of us) is not at all looking forward to being a dad, and is being a bit of a twat about my pregnancy.

However, he has said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and if that means having children he will do his best to be a good dad. But as it is, he can't really see anything good about being a dad, and has said some spectacularly hurtful and tactless things (see my numerous postings on the subject).

It's tough. The biggest and most significant thing that has ever happened to me and he's worrying about how often he'll get to go to the pub or whether he'll look silly pushing a buggy. I really do wonder if blokes just live in this childlike state until something comes along to make them into men.

Do you have people around who are pleased and excited for you? My DP is, fortunately outnumbered by our friends and family who are giddy about the whole thing, and that helps a lot.

Wish i could offer you better advice, but if I knew what to do, I'd be doing it as well.

hi there, just wanted to add my bit. My dp was a shit of spectacular proportion when i was pg with dd1, he even went so far as to throw me out of the house (twas unplanned) i happily gave him his space and carried on my life, he was always around as it wasnt that we no longer loved each other his problem was that he felt he was being railroaded into having a child he didnt want and basically acted like a bit of a child himself, even though i could understand where he was coming from.

I just gave him time to come to terms with it himself, didnt push it, never asked him to change her, feed her etc just let him get to know her slowly in his own time. I moved back in with him when she was 10 months old and he increasingly became more and more attached to her, basically when she started to respond to him you know, like he was getting something back. Now she is 4 and he is so in love with her its ridiculuous, apparently she is the best thing that ever happened in his life. He even thanked me once for not listening to him and doing the right thing (by not terminating and happily telling him to swing and leaving), just let him come to terms with it all in his own time, the more he feels pushed the worse he'll be probably.

What they dont seem to like is the decision being made for them or the fact that they feel it is taken out of there hands and that youre telling them "youre going to be a dad and thats all there is to it" and they panic.

Im currently v pg with 3rd, unplanned he was not pleased due to our being so broke and a number of other things the main reason again basically the fact he hadnt said he wanted another child yet he goes on about having more in the future! like hello!! with my dp his problem is definitely that he seems to think ive made the decision and its his tough luck and thats what causes the problem.

Im kind of rambling. Sorry!
I hope everything works out alright!

Hello, I'm in a very similar situation now and very shocked that I am! I've been with DP for nearly 6yrs. He's always been shakey around getting married but we've always both said that we wanted children. I let the marriage thing go thinking as long as he wants kids I could live with that.

I started talking about having a baby this year in the middle of last year. He went along with things and we said we'd start ttc in the new year and see what happened. We didn't try very hard but it happened right away. Looking back, I think he thought it would take a while and that would give him time to back out.

I'm now 22 weeks. He still isn't positive about being a Dad. He's left me once and come back since, but I don't know if he will stay.

My approach has been very softly, softly. It is hugely frustrating, but I don't think trying to push him into something or convince him it'll be great will have any affect. I've just had to get on with things myself and have told him what's going on with appointments and things, but he's not taking any real role so far. I wish I had the answer, but I don't know how it'll work out but for me it is worth sticking out for a while because generally we have a great relationship. He makes me happy and I want our baby to have a relationship with its Dad.