D&C after missed miscarriage - baby sent away for tests...

[brendafig]

Morning everyone! I'm new to this site so apologies if I seem a little 'green'...

I had a D&C last week, a week after having a scan which showed no heartbeat. I was almost 14 weeks pregnant.

This was an unplanned pregnancy (I have 3 children) and my DH was less than pleased when I told him we would be having a fouth. Nevertheless, I told him we'd manage financially and by making cutbacks etc etc. I have had 3 previous early m/c over the past 13 years (I'm in my mid 30s now) and my midwife told me to get checked out at the EPAC just to make sure everything was okay this time. So I went, and to my horror and surprise, she told me the baby measured to my exact dates, but had literally just died.

I waited a week to see if little bab would come out naturally, but had to have the dreaded D&C. They are sending him (or her) away to have chromosone tests to see if they can figure out the reason why he died.

I feel so confused - did I not rest enough? Did my DH's negative thoughts towards bab somehow cause it? I am do desperate to be pregnant again but I can't stand the thought of sleeping with DH as he was so horrible about me being pregant last time. I know my hormones are all over the place but one minute I'm crying, the next I'm laughing like a maniac.

Am I normal? Or is this God telling me not to have any more children? I feel like a need a gin and tonic...please feel free to tell me I'm just being greedy about wanting a big family...I just need someone to be honest with me! Thank you x

I don't have any insightful advice, but didn't want to leave you unanswered. I doubt that anyone can say anything to really help anyway - I'm so sorry for your loss. There will be other people around who will, unfortunately, have plenty of their own experience to draw on to help you.

& of course none of this was caused by anything you or your DH did wrong. Sometimes these things just happen, no matter how much everyone openly & actively wants them not to, & no matter how much you wrap yourself up in cotton wool.

God's not telling you anything & you're not at all being greedy - but do take time to grieve this loss before making any sudden decisions. You need a chance to come to terms with what's happened before you complicate it further. I hope you can rely on your DH for some good support now.

Oh brendafig
You are not being punished. I have been there and thought the same, I must have done something so bad, God saw fit to punish me in this awful way. But that is not true.
My 1st mc was a mmc. I started spotting blown blood, was sent for a scan at 10 weeks and was told it'd died at 8 weeks.
They said it was so mishappen that it couldn't have survived. A few weeks later, my gp said it didn't even look like it was fertilised so was a phantom
I then mc again a year or so later, then 2 years after that fell pregnant again, but thank God had a healthy baby boy who is now nearly 2. The mc'd again, then fell pregnant again and now have a wonderful 14 week old ds2.
Whatever these tests find, this is not your fault. There is nothing you did to compromise the pregnancy, you know that. And a pregnancy doesn't end because the father is a bit egative about it. I'm sure he'd have come round, but he should be more supportive. IMO/E this is one of the hardest and cruelest things to go through because there is nowhere to lay any blame. It isn't anyones fault, sadly it's just one of those things.
Nothing anyone can say will make you feel better about this, but it does get easier.
My first mc, I wrote the baby a letter apologising that I couldn't keep her and telling her how much I'd have loved her.
This may sound odd, but I took comfort in the fact that the pregnancy didn't pass naturally, almost like she knew I'd be a great mum and she didn't want to leave me.

Thank you Springy and Littleboyblue for your fab replies. LittleBB, I'm sorry to hear about your m/cs too - and I think you're right about it being hard because when there is no-one to blame, it's easy to blame yourself. (or DH, in my case!)

I loved your bit at the end of your post about your baby knowing you'd make a great mother and not wanting to leave you...I think that actually makes great sense and makes me feel a bit better

How are you doing brenda?
When do you get the results from the tests?
How's things with dh?

Hope you're ok.

God your story is so awful.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It can't help with the way you are feeling towards your hubby about his reaction to the PG. Talk to him about how it's made you feel. I bet when he was making his comments he didn't think about the possible loss of the baby.

I hope you and your hubby can work through this.