being honest with your doctor or midwife.

[peachyfox]

Every midwife or doc I see routinely asks me if I've been pregnant before. I had a very traumatic, but early termination, which I cannot discuss or even name without completely losing all composure. I can't even write this without crying. Is there some medical reason for this question?

Well, two things I suppose from my point of view. Firstly is the emotional aspect, will the previous miscarriages or terminations a woman has had have any bearing on the current pregnancy? We aim to look after women emotionally, physically and spiritually so I personally would like to know as it may change the way I care for you throughout pregnancy, labour and postnatally. And secondly a physical reason, for example, if the termination for an abnormality it may have an impact on the screening a woman may choose. We don't just ask to be nosy! But of course it is up to you what you tell your midwife, you are a grown woman! Sorry it is still so painful though, have you ever had counselling?

Sorry , I forgot to add that we would like to know about any complications for example infections or surgery as this could also impact on the current pregnancy.

Thanks, so as there weren't any physical complications it's 'safe' not to say anything? I wondered if it had any significance because my blood is neg.

I tried having therapy but nothing changes anything. It's destroyed a part of me emotionally and only gets worse year by year. I don't think it will have any impact on my baby though, just brings it to the surface more.

Oh okay, so was it a surgical termination? If so, you should have been given Anti D? You say it was early, so before 12 weeks, if it wasn't surgical you wouldn't have had anti D. You will be offered prophylactic Anti D in your current pregnancy anyway to prevent any problems. Hope that helps or have I confused you further?? Be aware that ante or post natal depression may become a feature for you as your pregnancy progresses.

It was medical, 7 weeks. I'm just having a hard week because at my gynae appt on Thursday I got a bit grilled on this topic and left in tears - I haven't really been back in control since. Tired and hormonal, you know. Will watch out for depression though, thanks. Partner very supportive.

Perhaps they had a copy of your main hospital notes and it made reference to it in there? If it was at the same hospital as you have booked at it will be in your notes which will be pulled out when you deliver. However, no-one should be grilling you about it for god's sake! You can always say that you don't want to discuss it and they should respect that. Out of interest, what do you mean by gynae appt?

peachy a dr can tell by looking at your cervix if you're been pregnant before...once you've dilated once (inc through a termination) it changes shape.

No one will judge you for losing your composure. I think that honesty is absolutely the best policy both for your physical and emotional wellbeing.

It's ok to be upset about it.

We're living in Germany, so you have to see a gynaecologist every four weeks. I showed them my UK notes (it's on there) but they have set up a new set of notes for me here and asked all the health questions again. It wasn't really her fault, she asked and I imploded. Then she tried to work out what was wrong but by then I was incoherent. Nothing to do but hand out tissues unfortunately. Probably down as a nutter now.

Probably down as someone who might have had a termination .

Sweetie - do you think you could just take a deep breath, and say it? And say you don't want to discuss it again? You might find you're thinking about it far more by spending each ante-natal appointment waiting with bated breath for the question to come up... Whereas if you just do it, you may feel like a weight's been lifted?

i was asked this when pg with ds1 and the midwife said "i am not going to write that (TOP) on this form - THIS is your first pregnancy"
bless her

Longtalljosie, I've always said it. If I'm lucky I can say it and move on, but other times its a total knee-jerk and I'm off.

I'm pretty sure that a 'multips os' would not be evident if a medical termination took place at 7 weeks as the cervix would not have dilated to any considerable degree. Also, a multips os would be more likely to be felt rather than seen unless you are having a speculum exam for some reason.

You poor thing. Is this your first pregnancy since then? I found that they asked me about it at my first and maybe second appointments and then once it was in my notes, didn't ask me ever again. Obviously I'm not sure how it works in Germany but hopefully they won't ask you about it any more. Surely your notes should carry across from one person to the next so they don't keep asking you the same questions?

Yes. We're moving back to the UK for the birth, so hopefully it won't come up again. It's in my UK notes. Thanks for all being so nice.

You poor thing. That sounds like a hugely painful thing to go through. Might you find that it is easier to write it down, or even print out your MN posting and hand it to the Doctor to be put in your notes with a comment not to ask you again?

Most health professionals really want to help people and would be pretty concerned that they had said something that had had such an obviously painful response.

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant, but also had a medical termination at 6+4 weeks two years ago. It was also hugely traumatic for me, leading to an episode of serious depression. I had counselling, but in all honesty, can't say it helped that much.

I hated seeing the words TOP on my notes, but since that initial booking apt, nobody has mentioned it AT ALL.

Like you, I also thought I was scarred for life by this, that I would always regret it and it would always haunt me. But I want to tell you that I have recovered. Obviously this may not be the case for you, but this pregnancy has been uniformly healing for me. I think a key moment was when I had an early scan at 7+5. At first, I couldn't bear to look at the image, as I couldn't help but think of the ab. But eventually I did, and I was surprised at how primitive its structure was. When I went back for my 12 week scan and saw a recognisable baby shape, I consoled myself that I had ended the previous pregnancy before any crucial structural developments had taken place, as I believe you did.
As this pregnancy has progressed, I've realised more and more that pregnancy is a process, rather than a state. It's also an incredibly precarious process, as these message boards so often testify. Who's to say that either of us would have even reached 12 weeks with our first pregnancies? No 7 week old embryo guarantees a child.

I feel totally relieved of the burden of guilt I carried. Whilst a termination may never seem like the "right" decision, I have accepted it as the decision I made at that time. And to be honest, it rarely crosses my mind these days, because the joy and excitement of meeting my child has completely taken over the memory of the termination.

I sincerely hope this is the case for you. You may not come to share my views, but I hope that you can glean some hope of recovery, because I assure you, it is possible.

switchbelle thanks for your very kind and positive message. I'm nearly 25 weeks along now and it has helped me a lot too - I can share many of the thoughts you describe above, particularly the early scan. I have felt much happier since I got pregnant (and in a strong relationship too, which sure helps!) but there seems to be something buried in there, a sort of mental block, and when the words are spoken (even about someone else) it's already too late, and I'm in floods. There's definitely a lot of anger towards my boyfriend back in those days in the mix too.

I was overtired yesterday, I'm feeling much more positive today. Thanks for all your help and support.

wriggler thanks for your comments too. Unfortunately because we've moved countries twice, I keep having to change doctors, and will have to again in a few weeks...