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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

It's a Boy........but I can't stop crying.

43 replies

Grubster · 07/05/2009 11:28

Have namechanged for this as my DH knows my MN name.

I went alone for my 20 week scan yesterday as Dh was in the grip of a sickness/fever type bug. All went well, no problems detected.

Dh did not want to know the sex of the baby but I did and since I was alone I agreed to find out when asked by the sonogragher if I would like to know.

Well as the title says it's a boy. We have a lovely 2yo boy already. This is my second and last pg due to my age, finances etc so no chance of another baby anyway.

I am so disappointed, I have always felt a small pang of envy when I see people with a daughter and now I know that I'll never have one of my own. Yes, I know how shallow this is.

Worse still, I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for being so full of self-pity when I am carrying a perfectly healthy baby.

I guess I will get over this but at the moment I can't stop crying.

Please feel free to give me kick up the arse.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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yentil · 07/05/2009 14:57

one of 8 children here and seven of us are girls and its fab, in fact we forget we have a brother[shame]. we are all so differnet, and i mean totally including looks and its unconditional love for life. enjoy

bevlin · 12/05/2009 14:46

I have one boy and am 5.5 weeks pregnant. I know because of complications with him i can't chance a third, im taking a chance with a second! Im upset about that because id have loved more than 2. I would have loved a little girl but last week it was all put into perspective when a friend had a little girl with downs. I suddenly thought my god I should be crossing everything that my baby is healthy and not worrying about the sex. Not that im dismissing your feelings, I had the same hankering for a little girl with my fist and until last week, for my second but we have to remember there are so many other things worse. My gran had 4 boys before she had my mum - no thanks! She is also very close to her sons and her and my mum have never got on! Mums sometimes expect daughters to be like them. It comes down to personality at the end of the day. You could have easily had a girl who was not the little girl you had hoped for and brought you nothing but misery. I hope that helps a little, good luck. x

jellybeans · 12/05/2009 14:51

I have both and never had a preference (after lots of m/cs) so can't say i understand but...boys are fab, I have 3 boys. My twins are so close, fab friends and boys are such fun and make me laugh so much. Boys can also be just as close to their mums when older!!! I have 2 girls too and having the same sex means they are so close and play silly games etc!!! Both sexes can do anything in our culture anyway so it doesn't really matter so much what gender they are. Congrats on your little boy!! You will have so much fun with him!!!

MorocconOil · 12/05/2009 14:57

Have a good cry and don't feel bad about being disappointed. My first 2 DC were boys and I felt really sad that I hadn't had a girl. I do feel guilty about having those feelings now. My DS2 is a very loving and caring boy. He can be hardwork too, and sometimes I wonder if I somehow caused this by feeling disappointed. We feel guilty about all kinds of things, but I think you are doing the right thing talking about your feelings on here. It's better not to bottle things up.

keels26 · 12/05/2009 17:36

Dont be too hard on yourself. Its probably better that you found out now so you can get yourself used to the idea of having a boy. Once you get the stuff sorted for your new baby, think of a name, feel him getting bigger etc you will forget you were ever disappointed and start looking forward to having your baby.

countrylover · 12/05/2009 17:56

I felt EXACTLY the same when I found out I was expecting DS2. I shocked myself with how disappointed I was - I couldn't get it out of my head that I would never go wedding dress shopping or help out with the grandchildren in the way my Mum has with me.

But to re-iterate everything people have said on here - it honestly doesn't make any difference once they're here. DS2 is now nearly 3 weeks old and I love him more than I thought possible. I wouldn't change him for anything in the world.

Give yourself time to get over the shock and I promise it won't matter in the long run.

BabyBump2B · 13/05/2009 19:19

Oh big squeeze. I am pg with my first and was desperate for a boy but its a girl and I am thrilled, although she's not even born yet and I'm very anixous and wondering what on earth we're going to do if the next one isn't a boy. I only want two DCs and definitely HATE the idea of 2 dds. (I come from a family of 4 girls and it was hell.) DH thinks we should try for a 3rd if the 2nd isn't a boy but I don't like that idea either.

I really feel for you and I think, although you'll probably be fine when you get the baby in your arms it perfectly ok to feel sad now.

izyboy · 13/05/2009 19:31

Oh boys are lush! I have been 'fortunate' in that I have 1 girl + 1 boy but so far oh my lord! The girl is more boisterous, noisy , determined that her bro'. She's just more of a typical 'bloke' really, very physical and looks like a rugby player in a dress. Her brother is sensitive, quiet, takes a while to make friends, shares etc. But they do love each other and are lovely in their own ways, but the stereotypical 'traits' are the wrong way around!

Oh they'll be able to have a lovely friendship your 2 boys, seriously, I understand your disappointment but with luck he'll be healthy and a lovely addition to your family.

izyboy · 13/05/2009 19:36

...So all those ideas of dainty little dresses, fairy shoes, mother and daughter bonding 'moments' ...well I just think you just have to go with the way your child appears to be.. in my case a prop forward for the local female rugby team!

heartmoonshadow · 13/05/2009 19:39

Hi,

I too wanted a girl and was upset when I was told a boy, but like other people I was glad to know half way through pregnancy because I have had 10 weeks to get over the disappointment and I am now glad I have a healthy little boy (so far so good anyway!)

I had to examine why I wanted a girl so much and I realised it was because I lost my mum a few years ago and I wanted a replacement for that relationship - this realisation sobered me up if you get what I mean and since then I have realised I was being selfish and that a child should be there for me to look after and love and not as a replacement. And although I would still dearly have loved a daughter I am happy that I have any child and I know that I will give him every bit of emotional support I can.

staylucky · 14/05/2009 18:18

Totally agree with all these brilliant messages of support above. Wanted to offer a hug and say well done for being honest about how you feel and never say never. Maybe I might get jumped on for saying this but financial/age limitations are not 'real' limitations at all. Who knows what may happen in the future

I opted to find out the sex this time because if they told me I was having the opp of what I wanted I needed to know I could get my head around it early on and not feel resentful at the birth. I think it's sensible to be honest about how you feel.

Am sure you'll feel loads better in a few days, chin up gal xx

UpsetAndAshamed · 19/05/2009 12:54

I have name-changed for this too... We didn't want to know the sex for DC3, and said so, but the sonographer yesterday led us strongly to believe it's a boy, not the third DD I had envisaged. I think both of us felt a slight preference for another girl but to my surprise and shame I am really teary today and finding it hard to hold myself together. I am angry with myself and feel guilty for not simply accepting a lovely healthy baby (I have had several miscarriages in the past) but can't shake this longing for my "lost" DD3.

Chooster · 19/05/2009 13:16

Hi upset - Dont feel ashamed of feeling upset, as you say its not what you had envisaged, so it will take some time to get your head round the new family 'picture' if you see what I mean. However perhaps you need to find out for sure before you start getting your head round it otherwise you may find yourself looking forward to your new son only to find it is anther DD! What was said that makes you think DS?

If it is a DS then you are extremely lucky . He will be adored by his sisters and there will be a special place in your heart for your son. I know I may be biased as I have 2 DS's but boys really are scrummy

UpsetAndAshamed · 20/05/2009 14:29

Thanks Chooster. I didn't realise I felt so strongly about it. We told the sonographer twice we didn't want to know, but she was clearly VERY keen to tell us -- she said almost immediately she could tell and kept returning to the subject. But when she asked if it was our first baby and I said no, we have two DDs and would like another, she suddenly clammed up.
Impression reinforced by the fact that she herself was from an ethnic group that is known to strongly favour boys, and that our inner-city hospital is generally thought reluctant to divulge the sex -- it certainly wasn't offered as an option at scans for our DDs (which was fine, because we didn't want to know). Sigh.

katster37 · 20/05/2009 18:55

Upsetandashamed a similar thing happened to us yesterday, only my DH couldn't come to the scan so I took my Dad with me. I am only 13+4 and the sonographer said 'would you like to know the sex?' (it is our first) and I said 'I didn't think you could tell this early?' to which he replied 'yes I can - it's a boy'. I felt so upset. Then really guilty for feeling upset, but have this idea that I'll never have a daughter. I am coming round to the idea now, but felt really annoyed that the Dr told me when I really didn't want to know - certainly at this stage. Was also scared to tell DH as he REALLY did not want to find out until the birth. So he is v cross too....

Accebucce · 29/05/2009 14:54

I was so grateful to find this thread - company in misery and all that. I've just had a pretty much identical experience to Grubster (had my scan this morning). What makes it worse is that because my DH doesn't want to know the baby's sex, I feel I can't tell anyone else and I'm dying to be able to talk about my feelings of disappointment at having to relinquish dreams of little dresses and stripy tights. It's been really encouraging to be able hear other people's experiences. I'm a bit old to consider having a 3rd (and frankly I don't think I have the energy). I know I should just be grateful that I've managed to conceive number 2. I suppose I'll get there.

Beetroot · 29/05/2009 15:11

it is hard, I remember when I was pregnant with Number 3 and had 2 boys already I had a 20 week scan and found out I was having a boy - and it was really hard. When he was born I fell in love with him in a truly amazing way that shocked me all over again.

Good luck and allow yourself this time before he is born to deal with it.

cory · 29/05/2009 15:36

accebucce, not being able to talk to people in RL about your feelings is probably a blessing in disguise- it could come back to bite you on the bum later, when people remember it and start reading all sorts of things into your interactions with your lo, long after your own hormones have settled down and you have forgotten all about it

tell us instead, we won't judge

you will get there

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