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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

sex - help

23 replies

MegMog · 11/04/2009 21:33

I won't go into great detail but I am in the late stages of pregnancy and my dp has gone off sex completely. I am still keen but despite my heavy hinting he is not interested. I don't know how much to push it, so at the moment I am not mentioning it at all. I am so scared that it is going to carry on after the baby is born. Has anyone else been through this and their sex life recover after the birth? I miss the closeness, it's just gone at the moment and it's a lonely feeling. I worry that he will cheat if he's not getting sex from me and I worry about how long it may be after the birth until we have sex again. I'm scared that we will never be close again if this goes on too long. Help

OP posts:

Meglet · 11/04/2009 21:40

I think a lot of men are a bit spooked during the last stages of pregnancy. My DP was very reluctant to have sex during the last weeks but was ok once I had had the baby.

Original poster

MegMog · 11/04/2009 21:43

really? that is good to hear. I worry that he will be freaked out by knowing that I have pushed a baby out of me!

OP posts:

Meglet · 11/04/2009 21:48

People still have sex after having a baby , if they didn't no one would ever have any siblings.

I have to add that i had cs's both times so was able to have sex very soon after the birth (4 weeks) but most of my friends who had vaginal births seemed to start up again about 3 months afterwards. Not as much sex, and they admit to taking a while to get used to it again as they were still sore, but 2 years on the next lot of babies have all popped .

pinkspottywellies · 11/04/2009 21:53

Don't think you'll want to hear this but there is a good ending! DH didn't want to have sex at all during pg and for 7 months after dc1. (Think he was a bit freaked out by seeing me give birth - kept him at the head end 2nd time )

I felt quite rejected tbh but would never have forced the issue. If it was the other way round he wouldn't have tried to push me into it if I didn't feel comfortable.

Make sure you still get plenty of cuddles and affection. I didn't and it felt a bit shit. IKWYM about feeling lonely. Tell him that you understand if he doesn't want to have sex but that you need to feel he still loves you and you won't pounce on him - I think DH thought I might!

But it will get back to normal.

Original poster

MegMog · 11/04/2009 21:56

thank you

at the moment we are like passing ships to be honest. He is not giving any affection at all really and I do feel lonely. But then I am also not being very affectionate to him as I know he takes it to mean I want sex. It's not actually about the sex, it's just feeling unwanted and undesirable

OP posts:

Meglet · 11/04/2009 22:03

I assume that this is your first? Can you make the most of a few meals out while you still can and some early nights to just chat or watch a movie together.

Original poster

MegMog · 11/04/2009 22:11

yes,it is our first. We do have evenings together and watch films and stuff. I feel very boring at the moment. We used to go out, I do really feel up to it now and we used to have a drink. Now all I ever seem to say is 'do you want a cup of tea?'

I know it will pass, I just worry that we will have forgotton how we used to be by the time the baby arrives.

OP posts:

Meglet · 11/04/2009 22:15

The other thing is that he is probably worrying about the baby, will it be ok, will he be a good dad, will you be ok, will you ever have any money again...... etc.

The last few weeks are a bit like the calm before the storm. There's no going back and if he's a smart bloke he's thinking about it a lot, you will eventually adjust to a new 'normal'. With sex .

Original poster

MegMog · 11/04/2009 22:20

thank you

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 11/04/2009 22:21

Don't worry - he'll make up for it after (when he's not too knackered).

Keeping blokes away from the business end of things during childbirth is a good idea in my opinion (unless they actually want to see). I think many of them don't want to see it but are afraid to say or are traumatised by seeing a crowning baby.

Original poster

MegMog · 11/04/2009 22:28

He'd better make up for it

I am planning on keeping him head end only, I know he's not keen but doesn't want to let me down. I think I'll take the heat off him and tell him I don't want him down there

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 12/04/2009 01:05

very wise megmog

tessofthedurbervilles · 12/04/2009 11:45

Does it have to be about sex? Could you not tell him you are feeling a bit isolated and reintroduce cuddling and kissing and fore play type stuff? That way he isn't under pressure to have sex and 'harm the baby' as men sometimes think but you are being intimate and relieving some of the sexual frustrations?

QueenFee · 12/04/2009 20:34

Would a suprise BJ help
You never know! At least it keeps the intimacy there and even though you are not getting any as such one thing may lead to another.
(can't believe I have just posted this without name changing so going to scuttle off)

Original poster

MegMog · 12/04/2009 20:38

I would love too he's not interested in anything at all at the moment, and I don't want to look too desperate, keep going on about it all the time. I suppose I will have to just keep trying in a subtle way. Gosh, I sound like a desperate old perv!

OP posts:

QueenFee · 12/04/2009 20:41

The problem with pregnancy is you either want it loads or not at all (have felt both ways myself in this pregnancy alone!) Maybe it affects our DPs too?

mumof3tobe · 13/04/2009 03:03

I totally understand how you feel, with DC1, DH didn't want sex at all he felt as if he was going to harm the baby, so for the last 3 months I got nothing either, I still remember watching some movies with affectionate scenes and crying. But after the birth (DH did see everyting) it was more or less back to normal, we had sex about 1 week after the birth. I also remember beggin with DH around my Due date to have sex (I wanted the baby out by then) but he had none of it.

2nd time round was a bit of the same but I knew that it would get back to normal after the birth and it did again. But it was hard going through the last 3 months without the affection.

So this time I am 20 weeks and we are still having sex but i'm leaving it up to him as I don't want to get regected. Hopefuly with knowing the other two are o.k. he will be more relaxed this time!

countrylover · 13/04/2009 09:16

This is completely normal IMO. Both pregnancies have resulted in a severe lack of sex to the point where I've wondered how our marriage is going to survive.

And it's not lack of interest from me, it's more him to be honest. Once I start looking properly pregnant that's it, game over! It's quite depressing when you feel fat and ugly anyway and then your partner doesn't even want to go anywhere near you. Not exactly a high point in anyones relationship.

But I do know from last time that things do get back to normal eventually and the fact that you've created a life together brings you closer together than you can possibly imagine.

Original poster

MegMog · 13/04/2009 20:50

Thanks, your posts are really reassuring

I think maybe I should stop sending him suggestive text messages and stuff if he's just not up for it, it's probably a bit unfair.

He has said he feels bad about it so he's not completely without feeling.

I am hoping we can have sex quite quickly after the birth, but who knows?

Keep finding myself looking at sexy lingerie and even Ann Summers stuff when before I used to look longingly at maternity clothes, why is it you always want wehat you can't have? Human nature, I suppose.

OP posts:

heartmoonshadow · 14/04/2009 09:15

Again another post where it could be me talking - it is reassuring to know there are others in the same boat. My husband and I have not have 'full' sex since week 11 because he is absolutely petrified of hurting the baby. And now that I am 26 weeks he has said he finds the whole idea disturbing. He has jokingly said he would not like the baby to come out and bash him on the head in revenge!!!

This may be too much info but we have decided to go back to how our relationship was when we got together - only minus being in the dark in a car! It is quite fun and exciting in some ways as the only thing off the menu is full sex ironically not because it isn't very safe and I may get pregnant.

This has put a lot of fun back into marriage and we even get to go on 'dates' at the weekend, we will go back to being properly married when the baby is born. At this point we will see what happens and how knackered we both are!

Sophie1106 · 15/04/2009 11:53

Definitely good to hear I'm not alone! I actually went completely off sex during the first 3 months and he was up for it. But as soon as i started to show more it swung the other way(so to speak) and he just isn't interested at all.He too is worried about hurting the baby. We have talked about it though and I've decided to accept things for now although I've told him I still need cuddles and stuff- even more so at 32 weeks!and he has been making an effort so that's fine.I have faith that the spark will return afterwards because what else can you do!?

Interesting what you have said about keeping him at the head end though- I might go with that

Grammaticus · 15/04/2009 12:00

I intended to keep DH "at the head end" but the midwife got him to hold my knee up while I pushed!

Sophie1106 · 15/04/2009 12:04

I guess the question is has it traumatised him or has he dealt with it?

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