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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I'm pregnant but best friend miscarried - How to deal with?

13 replies

MrsKitty · 09/04/2009 19:17

Hi,

I very rarely post here (more of a lurker!) but I really just need some advice/help/support/opportunity to say how I feel...

My best friend and I fell pregnant within a week of each other and were so excited, but last month she miscarried at 10 weeks (I am now 14 weeks, she would have been 15/16 wks)

I just don't know what to do...

Since it happened we have been together at 2 social events (hen weekend/wedding) where she has completely avoided me, leaving the room when I enter, and avoiding eye contact or conversation that hasn't been possible - I completely understand her reaction -of course I do - but it really hurts...

What hurts the most is seeing how much pain she is in, and not being able to be there for her / support her. My biggest worry is that this is going to come between us forever and I'm going to lose my most precious friend... I can't see how it can be otherwise - she's taken the miscarriage really hard from what I understand from other mutual friends/her husband, and I will be a constant reminder of what happened surely?

I've sent her my condolences via text/email and told her that I am here waiting for her whenever she needs me (she essentially told me she couldn;t stand to see/speak to me shortly after it happened so I haven't pushed to visit/phone her) - is there anything else I can do?

I feel so guilty about my pregnancy being (so far) successful - especially as I already have one wonderful little boy - which I know is irrational, but I'm finding this situation really hard. I've struggled to enjoy this pregnancy at all since her miscarriage and whenever mutual friends (of which we have many) ask about it I feel bad for talking about it / feel like I should brush it off/not make a big deal...

Feels better to have got some of this out on paper (so to speak)

Thanks

OP posts:

sarah293 · 09/04/2009 19:22

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choufleur · 09/04/2009 19:28

similar things happened to me, friend and i were due within a couple of days of each other. she miscarried about 6 weeks but didn't find out until 12 week scan. she then had another mniscarriage, her husband got testicular cancer, had failed IVF (she's very unlucky) and then by some miracle she had identical twins last month (my ds is nearly 3 now).

Our friendship went through a really rocky patch until she got pregnant for the third time but it's getting better now.

If i were you I'd try to maintain contact but not push it.

Don't feel bad about your pregnancy though - it's not your fault and you have every right to delight in being pregnant. Hopefully your friend will get pregnant again.

Original poster

MrsKitty · 09/04/2009 19:40

Thanks for your replies - I'm glad both of your relationships with friends have improved... I know it's unlikely to ever be the same again, but I desperately hope that it can almost be!

Our husbands are also very good friends, so keeping in contact is possible (if only through them) but it also kind of makes things even more difficult - I worry that this is going to affect their friendship too & they've been friends since they were kids...

I know I need to be positive about things for my own, and my babys health, but it's hard when you feel like a social leper (all of my other close friends are her friends too, and I feel like there are a lot of divided loyalties around - I figure she needs them more than I do at the moment so I've kind of retracted in to my own little shell.

OP posts:

MrsHappy · 09/04/2009 19:56

Something similar happened to me.

I had an ectopic pregnancy treated with surgery at 6 weeks. The day of my op my best friend who lives about 100yds away found out she was pregnant. To my eternal shame when she told me she was pregnant a couple of months later all I could do was cry and then repeatedly apologise for crying.

She is due soon and I am pregnant again now so things have got better and we're back to normal. In the interim I couldn't avoid her (we live too close) but I did studiously avoid looking at her tum, asking her anything about her pregnancy etc. It's selfish but I only asked her her due date a couple of weeks ago.

Go ahead and talk to mutual friends about your pregnancy. Just keep the pregnancy talk to yourself when she is around. Send her an email or a note saying you understand things are hard right now but you are there if she needs you and that you promise not to talk about your pregnancy if that is too hard. The leave it up to her what sort of contact she can deal with. My friend and I communicated by email for a bit, then over the phone and it kept us in contact without me having to face up to things too much.

I hope it works out for you, and I really hope you don't end up feeling guilty about your pregnancy continuing. That is certainly not what I would have wanted for my friend. I was always pleased for her, even though it was hard to show it when I was also feeling so disappointed for myself.

Original poster

MrsKitty · 09/04/2009 20:04

Thanks MrsHappy - especially for your last paragraph x

OP posts:

Boblina · 09/04/2009 20:05

Hi MrsKitty sorry to come into your thread but I am in a similar situation and as you I am concerned about my friendship with one of my closest friends. My friend and I started trying for a baby at the same time and after a year I got pregnant and had a beautiful baby boy. It was so hard to tell her I was pregnant. Although she was happy for me she was a little upset for herself (understandibly). My boy will be 2 next month and I have recently gound out that I am pregnant again (8 weeks). My friend is still trying and paying for IVF. He sadly had a miscarrage 2 months ago (10 weeks). I have kept this pregnancy a total secret and I am dredding telling people as it would mean telling her and I just don't know what to do. I know that she is going to be happy for us but at the same time it is going to hurt her. What can I do? How do I tell her? How is it going to affect our friendship. Sorry, just really worried about her. Thanks

Boblina · 09/04/2009 20:11

Original poster

MrsKitty · 09/04/2009 20:18

I have no idea Boblina - All I can say is it's a horrible situation to be in - So concerned about your friend, but being the last person in the world she wants to talk to

I hope things work out for you (hugs)

OP posts:

ladyhelenatealltheeggs · 09/04/2009 20:18

Mrs Happy , i second everything you say. Mrs Kitty this is a difficult difficult situation and like Mrs Happy, I have been here. I mc'd last July at 10 weeks having been delighted to find out I was pg and due within weeks of a close friend. I couldn't avoid her as we live close by and our DSs go to the same nursery, but I couldn't speak to her for weeks. I found it so difficult. We kept communication lines open with texting as that was all I could cope with. I fell pg again thankfully very quickly and that mended it between us, She was understanding as a few years ago, before our DSs came along, the situation was exactly reversed. So just let your friend know you understand that she will find it difficult and wait for her to be ready to see you but it could take weeks, but I'm sure she will get there. In the meantime, congratulations on your pg and I hope everything works out for you.

sarah293 · 10/04/2009 09:31

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monkeybumsmum · 10/04/2009 12:02

Hi MrsKitty,
What a difficult situation to be in .
I was in a similar position last year - a friend and I both fell pregnant at the same time, and amazingly with the same due date. Unfortunately, I miscarried at 12 weeks, and my friend went on to have a beautiful little boy who was born a few weeks ago.
It was incredibly difficult, to hear about and see how my friends pregnancy was progressing. In fact for some time after the mc it was unbearable. It took a while before I could say to her that I actually wanted to hear about how she was.
It's still early days for your friend. 5 or 6 weeks after my miscarriages (I had earlier ones too) and I was still almost as raw as the day we found out. Give her time. I often felt as though I had been punched and all the wind knocked out of me when I saw my pregnant friend or found out other people were pg. I just wanted to be them.
Its now a lot easier to deal with, and after a few months I could cope with seeing my friends growing bump, and was able to separate her pregnancy and good fortune from our terrible bad luck. Yes, tears were shed when her little boy was born, but only because she told me that she wished she could share him with me. Her being open and honest and actually mentioning our loss meant so much to me, but ONLY when I was ready...

I never wished for anything other than a happy ending for my friend, despite the pain at the time. I'm sure underneath that your friend must be hoping that all is well with your pregnancy too. You are lucky enough to be expecting a baby, and for that you should feel blessed. Don't let anothers misfortune make you feel guilty in any way, because it's not your fault that this has happened to her. All you can do is to be there if and when she decides she's feeling strong enough to come to you.

True friendships go through ups and downs, and sometimes you even emerge stronger at the end of it. I hope that this is the case with you...

Good luck for your pregnancy, I hope that all goes smoothly x

Original poster

MrsKitty · 11/04/2009 13:22

I really appreciate all of your responses - especially those of you who have been on the other side of the situation for giving me a perspective on how she may be feeling about our friendship...

I know I need to give her time, and just make sure that she knows I'm here when she's ready. I'll make sure I keep in touch with her, even if my efforts are ignored or rejected for a while...At least then she'll know I'm thinking of her.

OP posts:

monkeybumsmum · 11/04/2009 14:08

MrsKitty, I forgot to say that you sound like a wonderful friend I wish your friend lots of strength to cope with what's happened to her. I'm sure she realises how hard it must be for you too.
I also wanted to say that while my friend was pg and I wasn't any longer, I felt like she was going on to do this for the both of us, if that makes sense. There's no way I could ever have told her that though, it was just too painful a feeling to have expressed. It's given me so much hope to know that things can go right.
HTH's

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