is it normal to have doubts when pregnant?

[memoo]

I was going to name change for this because i think I sound like a horrible person, but then decided against it so please don't flame me !

I am pregnant with number 3, already have dd age 10 and DS age 8.

My 3rd pregnancy 4 years ago was v traumatic as it was ectopic and ended up losing a tube. This pregnany had been a complete surprise but was still devestated when I lost the baby.

Up until this point I didn't really want to have any more DC as was happy with the 2 I had but after losing my 3rd I realised just how much I really wanted another.

Having lost 1 tube it took as quite a while to conceive this time but got BFP in January and we were both over the moon.

I still am happy and really do want to have this baby but just recently I keep having a lot of negative thoughts. Not really bad thoughts about the baby but just panicing that I have made a big mistake getting pregnant again.

I found it very hard to cope when my first 2 were little and had quite bad depression for a long while. I still suffer with anxiety now but I am being treated by my GP and it is under control.

I am so worried that history is going to repeat itself. That I won't be able to cope and I'm going to be a crap mum to this baby.

And yet I love and want this baby so much. I wake up every night worrying and when I do sleep I have really horrible vivd dreams about losing my DC or that they die.

I know I sound so ungrateful, I should be so happy, but what if I mess it all up again

Hi memoo,

i was talking to my gp about this the other day. she said it's incredibly common for women to have ambivalent or negative feelings like these. I am pg with no 2. dd will be two and a half when it comes. This is a planned and much wanted pg but i have these moments of fear that it will be a huge betrayal of dd, that the new child will be won't fit in, that I won't be able to love it as much, that i'm being greedy and asking for trouble by going for no 2 when life is really great with just dd, etc.

on another level i'm delighted and completely fine, but i do get these bursts of anxiety so i completely relate.

i had some anxiety in my last pg too, and she and it was fine, so i've developed a theory that i worry about things so much in advance that it can only be fine.

so, you're not alone, but if you've had depression in the past i think it would be well worth you seeking a bit of help to keep on top of this, even something as simple as an empowering yoga class, or talking to your gp, or a bit of counselling.

also, don't forget the cocktail of hormones exaggerating every emotion. And your previous traumatic experience will mean you're being defensive and protective at the same time as everything else.

I'm sure you'll be fine, and at 10 and 8 your children will adore having a little baby sibling. (As opposed to mine who will be SO cross!)

good luck

First of all memoo DONT ever feel bad for feeling the way you do...
There are so many women who feel like you do but are just terrified to open up and say it... Its more common than you think.

I agree that you should go and see you GP and explain how you are feeling.
Its good that you have posted on here too and opened up about your feelings.

I almost had a termination with my DS2 as the anxiety I felt was unbelieveable!!!

Swings... I thought my DS1 would be like that (he was 2 years and 3 months when DS2 was born) As long as you give him constant reassurance that he will still be needed and loved he wont be angry. (I spent the last 3 months of my second pregnancy in hospital and only saw him for 2 hrs a day).
I made sure he helped me put cream on my tummy and also bought him a boy doll (when DS2 was born so we both had our babies)
I k now how frightening it can be having a second baby. But believe me you will love DS2 just as much!!
I used to tell me DH when I was pregnant that when DS2 would arrive he would deal with him while I would carry on doing stuff with DS1. It never happened like this!!!
You will know when they look at each other that it was the right thing. DS1 is always making DS2 laugh. (DS1 is 3 now and DS2 is 11 months) Now DS2 is walking they are like 2 peas in a pod!! Its an amazing feeling.

I do hope that you can both get over your negative feelings. Never feel bad though you are only human.
When we have been through bad experiences in our lives our body will try and put us off doing it again. We will experience anxiety and depression as our mind and body prepares to do it again.

Send positive thoughts both your ways xxxxxxx

Thanks so much Cazzaben for such a lovely post.

Yes I agree about the tricks we play on ourselves when we've had bad experiences. I've had some (not to do with childbearing but other bereavements etc) and I think it makes it very difficult to welcome anything totally openly and happily. That doesn't mean that you're not happy underneath. It's partly protective - if I feel negative about this then if something bad happens I'll be prepared for it. It's a weird kind of way of protecting yourself if that makes sense.

So glad things have gone well for you. And agree memoo, the way you feel is nothing to feel bad about.

ps that you had to spend 3 months in hospital - that must have been very tough, and all the more wonderful that it's all worked out so well.

I'm a better person for it! It was hard at the time but wouldn't change it...!!!

Thanks... I'm a lucky lady and count my blessings everyday
xxxxx

Hi, just wanted to offer support and say try not to worry, I think its normal to have mixed feelings even when you really really wanted the baby when you conceived.

I have a friend who has two slightly older children of 10 and 8, and a newish baby who has just turned 1 I think. The older kids love the baby, especially the girl who enjoys helping out and playing real life dolls with her sister I think! The baby has become some sort of status symbol amongst her friends, the favoured friend is allowed to play with the baby and older sister.

it'll be lovely, and just think how much easier when only 1 of them is in nappies and you have 2 who are old enough to help fetching and carrying.

thanks for the lovely messages, sorry its taken me so long to get back on.

My main fear is that having got past what was a really difficult time in my life I've gone and taken myself right back to beginning.

I work at the moment but am going to stop when we have had the baby as the cost of childcare means I won't be able to work.

I am dreading the issolation that a baby can bring, and the endless days of doing the same routine over and over again.

I can still remember the feeling of despare that comes from sheer exaustion. That desperate desire for someone to come and take the baby away so I could just lie down for a while. The dread that fills you when your baby wakes you for the 5th time that night

I sound like a right misery don't i but if i said this to friends in real life i think they'd be shocked by my attitude

memoo I understand exactly how you're feeling and feel the same. Some times it's worse than others. I had pnd after ds 3.5 years ago and I'm worried I'll get that again. Things with me and dh are ok, but it's not a 'set the world on fire' relationship. I'm worried now that there's another one on the way that I'm going to end up trapped in a life I don't want. I'm going to have to go back to work as finances won't allow me to stay home, am worried about the sheer exhaustion of 3 dc's and a full time job, with a dh who cares more about his own sleep than anything else.

Part of me wishes I wasn't pg as that might change everything - although I do love and want this baby and know logically that anything is within my remit to change at any point.

It doesn't feel like that when 'the fear' grips you though and I want you to know you are not alone.

As for RL friends/family - ditto here. Any time I've hinted at anything they don't know what to say and come up with helpful things like 'so why did you get pg again?'

Hang in there. Are you past the 12 week mark yet?

what your feeling is perfectly normal, im 37 weeks, and feeling this too. Even though this is a planned pregnancy, im still very nervous, scared, worried about my other 2. I also have been having some vivid dreams. Its horrible, my partner thinks im having them, because im so close to birth, and its another pre birth sign eg like nesting etc etc.
I had a cot death 9 years ago, so have been very worried,but have a healthy beautiful 6year old since. When he was a baby i had monitors to watch his breathing, the health visitor dropped the new machine for this baby off yesterday, however i still had an awful dream last night. Given i had the machine yesterday, [which has eased my mind massively] i still dreamt horrible last night, so i think its nothing to do with past pregnancies, and early months.
I genuinely beleive its because we are human, and have that maternal mothering instinct, even while we are sleeping.
Good luck with this baby, im sure itll be just fine.

I never, ever wanted to have kids. Got preggers with Ds1 and assumed I would terminate, but I didn't count on DH's reaction. he was desperate for children. I went ahead with the pregnancy, but was terribly miserable the whole time. I hated the lack of control, of HCPs making decisoions and assumptions - it was horrible, horrible, horrible..

I wouldn't say I had PND with DS1, but I was miserable unitl he was about 12 months - the lifestyle change was grim, but I knew to give him a good childhood I almost had to forget about myself and my selfish desires. I didn't want him to be an only child so I was preggers when he was 16 months. This time, I knew I would be more relaxed but I knew that life would be grim for 18 months after he was born - and it was. But, mentally I was in better shape, because I knew life would slow down and things would get easier.

I love my boys, I laugh at them every day (they're 4 and 2). My life is sooooooooooo much easier now.

You will cope, because you have to. Your other kids are at school and will actually be able to be an extra set of hands. They'll understand when you tell them that you're cranky because you're exhausted - unlike whne they were teeny.

It's going to be hard for the next year or so - but you will get through it!

I think you're spot on about how exhausting and boring babies and toddlers can be. I hated toddler groups etc - I coped much better if I just went to a friend for coffee. I used to come out of 'groups' just wanting to slit my wrists.