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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How do I tell my friend I'm 18 Wks preg when she cant conceive?

13 replies

FuntoLearn · 30/03/2009 20:10

Hi all.

Ive ben friends with her for 20 years. We both have DD each and I'm now preg again after 6 m/cs. She has new partner and now trying to conceive without success. She is considering IVF and I know she is desprarte to get preg again.

I havn't seen her since December and although we speak its about others things and not appropriate to talk about pregnancy, ie. money/work etc etc.

I'm seing her this week for a drink and will need to tell her then. I have a bump so it'll be pretty obvious!

My hubby has pointed out that you cant wait until baby is born and then tell her!

I'm 18 weeks preg and fele awful that I havt told her yet.

Eek!!!

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Original poster

FuntoLearn · 30/03/2009 20:20

bump

OP posts:

charitygirl · 30/03/2009 20:25

Don't pretend you're not pleased, but (obviously) don't be all 'squee! you'll never guess!'

I'm sure she'll be pleased but obviously said it's not her as well. Ideally you could tell her by email giving her the chance to scream/cry etc in private so she can be happy when she sees you?

Big congratulations by the way!

DSM · 30/03/2009 20:26

If you are good friends, and have been for 20 years, then it can't possibly not be appropriate to talk about being pregnant.

Obviously given that she is struggling to conceive, the news may be a little bittersweet, but surely she will still be happy for you, especially after 6 mc's.

I find it odd that you are friends for 20 years and can't talk about work or money?

If she is anything other than happy for you then she is not a true friend.

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 30/03/2009 20:29

Oh - I thik I typed that wrong..
Thats all we talk about at the moment - work and money...

I think I'm going to ring her and tell her about it gently and say that I wanted to let her know before our drink.

OP posts:

sadmavis · 30/03/2009 20:33

Obviously you say you have both got DDs already, and I have not got pg yet, but otherwise I have been in the position of the friend you describe. I have been told by both phone and email about friends' pgs (people who knew we were ttc and were trying to tell me sensitively). I found the email one much easier to respond to, I typed and reread my reply through tears but when I said I was pleased for them I meant it. When I was told over the phone the friend didn't just tell me and that was it, we chatted for about 1/2 hr and I barely held it together, I imagine being told in person would be 10x harder to keep things together. After we'd hung up I sobbed and sobbed even though I was pleased for my friend.
I would email her before seeing her, rather than wait and tell her in person, and in your email acknowledge that you know she'll find it hard and that you wanted to tell her before she found out from elsewhere etc but then wait for her to reply. You'll probably be suprised at her response - when I replied that I was really happy and thankful that my friend had emailed me to tell me before anyone else I meant it, even if there were some tears for myself too.

charitygirl · 30/03/2009 20:33

Yes - good idea.

dancingqueeen · 30/03/2009 20:44

as someone who's still ttc, I say definitely email her to tell her. ideally to an email she will open at work not at home. she will be pleased for you but also upset for herself, and it would be good to give her a chance to get upset in private if she needs to before she sees you / speaks to you. Its good that you are being so sensitve, I'm sure she'll appreciate it

shell96 · 31/03/2009 08:42

I was in the same situation as a close relative found out she was unlikely ever to conceive even with IVF at around the same time i found out i was pregnant. I knew how upset she had been when my sis got pregnant a year ago so thought it may be best not to tell her face to face (i knew she would be pleased for us but it would take some time for her to get her head around it and didnt want her having to try and put on a 'happy face' and congratulate us if really she was feeling totally gutted). My OH disagreed and thought it was only right we tell her ourselves. My mum agreed with me and my dad thought my OH was right. In the end my mum phoned her mum to discuss and her mum felt it would be best if she let her know. It was a bit awkward the first few times i saw her after this but now baby is almost due we are ok although i'm sure it is still horribly difficult for her.

funtimewincies · 31/03/2009 09:49

Congratulations! She'll be pleased, especially in given your situation. It's a reminder of her own problems, but not a reflection of them. However, I think that pre-warning her is a kind thought.

I'm newly pregnant after lots of mcs (although not as many as you) and it's great to hear that there is hope out there .

ChoChoSan · 06/04/2009 09:38

I was in the same situation as your friend just a week ago last Friday.

My 4 months pregnant friend who I was meeting on saturday night called to tell me she was pregnant. This meant she did not have to shout it at me in a loud and busy pub, and gave mne the chance to deal with it before I saw her.

I was obviously really happy for her, but it was tough as I had just done a negative test after 3 years trying to conceive + fertility treatment. The call gave me the chance to deal with it.

The good news was that I found out last week that in fact iam pregnant, and had tested too early!

hayleybootes · 06/04/2009 09:56

I was in your situation and felt awful. My best friend has been trying for over 2 years and is trying to find out what is wrong and attends a fertility clinic. Our other friend became pregnant first and it broke her heart. I already have one and didn't want anymore and I've always been very adamant about it. I was at work with my best friend one day and I was really poorly, felt like I was going to faint so I had to go home. A couple of days later I did a test and found out. I called my best friend straight away and told her, I wanted her to be the first to know. I hadn't even told my husband!! She came straight round and I cried as I felt so guilty for not wanting to be pregnant when my friend just wants it more than anything in the world. She assured me she was really happy for me and she's been really great, but i try so hard not to go on about it.
THEN this week our other friend who has also been trying for years has just fallen pregnant, in all the wrong circumstances so now my BF is in pieces again. She can't help feeling jealous, it's natural, I just hope her time comes soon. It's so unfair that these people cannot fall pregnant, makes me so sad as she'd be an amazing mum!

TaleofTwoCities · 06/04/2009 10:44

I was in similar situation and after agonising sent a card in the end. Felt more personal than an email and gave her the chance not to have to share her initial reaction with me. She sent me a lovely supportive email back.

beanieb · 06/04/2009 10:52

I have been trying to conceive for a year and a half. My oldest and closest friend recently met up with me for coffee and told me she is 11 weeks pregnant.

Her words were 'I'm pregnant, I'm sorry'. I was so immediately happy for her that I didn't find it hard but I was a bit upset later when we had parted because it made me focus on my own situation.

We spent a few hours together and as time went by I am afraid I found it harder to not start thinking about my own situation and by the time we finished shopping I was desperate to get back to my OH and unload a bit.

I'd say you just have to bite the bullet and tell her. No doubt she knows how much you have been through to get here so I am sure she will be OK.

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