I think I want a homebirth (first timer) but no support from DP...any advice?

[toomuchpicknmix]

Hi all
DP seems nervous about HB but not bcos of safety so much as he is worried about "not liking" the sweat, pushing, blood and pain of labour (!!) and it being at home and then we'll have to live where it all happened IYSWIM.
He is worried about same issues for hospital birth but says he will be there (but might want to leave the room sometimes) but that we will then be able to leave it all behind and go home all together.
I have no problem with the idea of him being in and out of the room, although would like him to be involved, I can't and wouldn't try to force him and I do respect his feelings that he might need time out. I've hired a lovely trainee doula to help us both. He is a bit old fashioned but he's not tooo bad usually - and he does say that this decision is up to me. . We've had an angel baby before and he has had cancer so we've been in hospitals A LOT and although no significant problems with the staff or treatment, we haven't enjoyed being institutionalised, gently pushed towards one decision or another etc ....I want him to feel more up for the home birth option though and not that the birth is "a bit disgusting" as he said this morning (I think he regretted this immediately)
Has anyone else overcome such thinking about HB? thanks

bump

Didn't want this to go unanswered. I had a HB with my first, DH was not keen to start with, mainly because he was a bit aprehensive about the whole thing (understandable really...). Things that helped were going to a homebirth group where women talked about their experiences, was run by an indie midwife. Doula is a great idea too, we had one for our second hb.

I would say keep talking to each other about how you both feel - but your DH may surprise himself and find all the 'blood and sweat' doesn't phase him at all when it comes to it.

HTH and good luck.

thanks for posting - I really think he will do better/it won't be as bad as he imagines...

I've had a hospital & a hb & dh was all for the hb so don't have any experience of that side of things im afraid, just wanted to say about the blood/sweat/mess side of things that i think its standard practice for the midwives to take away everything that is 'soiled' when they leave so your dp wont be left with a load of blood & other stuff to clear up afterwards if he's worried about that.

thank you - I said that to him too, but it didn;t seem to help!!

have a look at www.homebirth.org.uk/.
for ways to "sell" the idea to him. My understanding is that it's not unusual to feel you have to "convince" your partner. Hopefully you have time before you are due. Understandibly he may feel nervous as it's first time. How about telling him he can be the first person to hold his new baby (or even catch the baby) and not a stranger? That he can stay with you both for as long as he likes after the birth and not be "dismissed" from the hospital?
good luck

Can the doula talk to him? Can you go to something together like a home birth group, natural birth workshop, hypnobirthing classes, NCT classes - it sounds like if he's going to be comfortable with the home birth he needs to stop seeing birth as scary/medical and start seeing it as something miraculous to be celebrated.

Don't want to pry here - don't answer if you don't want to - but is it possible he is still thinking about the last pregnancy, especially if he didn't express his emotions at the time? It might be that he found that experience traumatising and is worried that birth might bring back bad memories.

thanks you are all so good
I hadn't thought about him being worried after last time - I didn't have to labour, had termination at 16 weeks which was awful enough.
I hadn't made the connection.
It's good to know that other DH and DPs have felt the same.
I think I will talk to him again but take it all a bit more slowly 9the conversation)
thank yoo

hi there, not to put a downer on this at all, but just to share my experience.

I wanted a home water birth for DS1 - I got all into yoga and "earth mother" stuff etc. My friend who was expecting her DC2 said "a home birth is not for an uninitiated vagina...." and I will always thank her for those words of wisdom. I decided (eventualy) to go to one of the birthing units for a water birth.
Waters broke before I had any contractions at midnight, so I had to go in for a check up - went home again, then back in around noon. Really painful, thought the baby was going to come out of my spine - baby was posterior so incredibly painful labour - took me about 30 hrs to get to 6 cm - by which time it was too late as waters had already been broken for almost 48 hrs. After going from natural to gas and air, then pethadin, then epidural, i ended up having emergency c-section.
I was completely exhausted, shaking, sweating, and so pleased that I was at hospital!

if you are planning a HB please be aware that yes, it is lovely, but babies don't follow your plan, and sometimes you need intervention so please have a back up plan. And remember that ultimately your goal is to have a healthy baby at the end!

I had a lovely first time hb that was done from start to finish in under 12 hours. There was surprisingly little mess.

My dh was astonished when the other Dad's in our antenatal group were talking about how upset they were when they had to leave their wives and new babies in hospital for the first night and not see them until visiting hours the next day.

I love that our dd was born in the room that will be her room soon and one day I will get to tell her "you were born on that bed"!

Hope those positive thoughts help him.

I started off having a home birth but got too tired to push anymore and went into hospital. My fault for not having a meal, a rest, and worrying about everyone else. The home birth part was definitely the best bit. We're not bothered at all about it being in our living room, when you have a new baby anyway you don't have time to worry about that, also its all a bit hazy due to tiredness, gas and air etc. I absolutely recommend a home birth. Go for it.
DH was concerned at first but after he had read up about it some more he was all for it.

thank you all for your stories it is much appreciated.
DP mentioned it to his Mum last night and she said "I wanted to do that with you but your Dad was a bit horrified"..I think this has worked in favour of trying HB!
Pedal that sounds traumaatic thank you for sharing it, always good to have a note of caution. We live close to the hosp so I feel we'd be OK to get there if any intervention was needed.
thanks again

Good luck whatever you do. I wanted a home birth with DD1, but got a transfer to hospital at the last minute as had meconium in the waters - waters didn't break til 1pm Wed, labour officially began 10pm Tues, but I was getting mini contractions all day long - think diarrhea cramps.
I'm pregnant now and wondering what to do. I understand what your db means about meaning the room will have a weird feeling for a while - my friend was at another friends home birth where she lost a lot of blood and she couldn't go in the room for ages after.
I want to be at home, but fancy the idea of the practically 5* aftercare you can get at the local midwife lead unit!
Labour is so called because it's bloody hard work, and what I found hardest was getting through a very painful night of contractions meaning I couldn't rest, but only dilating 1cm from 10pm to 6am! Very annoying, but she was back to back.
I remember saying to my DB that I'm not surprised people just ask for the intervention as it can get so tedious and uncomfortable for such a long time!
So long as you're sensible and have a plan for hospital just in case you'll be fine. I bet your db will surprise you and himself!