Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

I'm pregant, friend recently had abortion, What to do?

11 replies

Jeffa · 15/03/2009 16:19

I'm twelve, nearly thirteen weeks pregant. When I told a friend DH and I were trying for a baby, she explained that she had an abortion in the Summer, without telling anyone. I'm now pregnant, and put off telling her for some time, but did want her to know (she is one of my best friends).
I know she is finding it hard being around me, and I'm trying to not talk too much about pregnancy stuff and that (Hard, when its all I can think about).
I don't know whether I should recommend she talks to someone, or I try to talk to her about it myself. I don't want to loose her as a friend, but don't know how to keep things the same with her before I became pregnant.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:

CantSleepWontSleep · 15/03/2009 16:24

I don't see why her having an abortion should affect your pregnancy. That was her choice, and yours is to have a baby.

If she regrets the abortion then she should prob have some counselling, but it shouldn't stop her from being happy for you if she is any sort of friend.

Nabster · 15/03/2009 16:26

Her choice

Your choice

I think it is up to her to tell you if she doesn't want to talk baby stuff tbh.

duchesse · 15/03/2009 16:27

I presume that she had the termination because the circumstances were not right for her to have the baby. In which case she ought not to be too upset about your news- it doesn't change her circumstances. If the termination was due to abnormality of a much-wanted baby, then you may need to tread very carefully. Whichever way, you are going to need to tell her soon unless you are very trim, or she will notice... Or if you are trim, you could wait until after the 20 week scan and say you weren't telling her until you were sure everything was OK. She will have had another 8 weeks in which to heal more from her trauma.

Original poster

Jeffa · 15/03/2009 16:39

I told her when I was eight weeks, she guessed and asked DH who denied any knowledge of anything and then got me to ring her.
Her pregnacy was a result of a rape. She hasn't talked to me about it, but has told another mutial friend, and gave permission for her to tell me.
I understand that its her choice, and I will look into what counselling is available in our away, maybe bring that up with her. Thanks

OP posts:

duchesse · 15/03/2009 17:45

My goodness, then she definitely needs counselling if her pregnancy was under those circumstances! Did she report the rape (presuming she would have been offered counselling if so). Also the hospital may offer a counselling service for those who have miscarried or had to terminate under difficult circumstances (and really, when is a termination not difficult?)

Nabster · 15/03/2009 18:00

OMG I take back my snappy post.

The poor thing.

Original poster

Jeffa · 15/03/2009 18:05

Thanks for your replies.
As far as I know she didn't report it. I think its only been recently that she has accepted that it happened, and decided to deal with it. She is 22, and I know that there are others issues to do with her father (I assume a history of s. abuse but don't know for sure). I think she fears if she gets counselling for this she will have to deal with that too IYSWIM.

I don't want to loose her friendship, as we are quite new to the area and she has been fantastic. I just don't want to hurt her anymore.

OP posts:

Whiteybaby · 15/03/2009 18:45

jeffa could you speak to the mutual friend who told you about her situation? As your friend hasn't mentioned it direct to you this might be an easier route? She definitely sounds like counselling would help her but it is scary sometimes to start it off. Maybe you can spend some time with her doing nice (non baby) things? Its good for all of us to have non pregnant me time now and again! You sound a very kind friend, I am sure she appreciates you being so thoughtful..

duchesse · 16/03/2009 09:05

Jeffa- point her (via mutual friend maybe) in the direction of this organisation: Rape Crisis. They may be able to help her.

Original poster

Jeffa · 16/03/2009 11:40

Thank you for all help and suggestions. I spoke to the mutual friend yesterday and she, I and the other friend are planning to do an afternoon of nice things, and will suggest to her then about the counselling.
I hadn't heard of the Rape Crisis, it looks like they provide a lot of help that she may be able to benefit from.
Thanks again.

OP posts:

diddle · 16/03/2009 13:49

Jeffa - you should say to her what you ahve said to us. that you don't want to hurt or upset her, and you're concerned that you being pregnant is doing that. If she's your friend, she'll appreciate your honesty and either open up to you, or on your suggestion with you or your others friends support seek counselling.

Good Luck for both of you

Flip