How to deal with this pain? Abandoned pregnant woman feeling lonely...

[Serenwyn]

I feel so incredibly lonely as i sit here; like physical pain.
The man i love, my boyfriend of five years, walked out on me today, he said he needs to think, but that he isn't going to be a father whatever, he loves me more than anything but that life isn't a fairytale and 'i'll get over him' if he can't face up to fatherhood because i'm a strong person. Well yes, i know i can manage, but i don't want to throw away the life i planned with him! We were everything to each other. We had some ups and downs but no matter what happened we still came back together, and it was getting so much better. Our anniversay was wonderful. i can't explain how much i loved this man! And it always seemed he loved me the same...but he dwells on the past and keeps saying 'if we'd never met' or 'if i'd known this would happen i'd have broken up with you x time.' then he got upset and hugged me, it took him hours to leave but eventually he did, he said he just couldn't handle any more. I haven't said anything hurtful to him because i can't.

I only found out i was pregnant at 5 months, we were using two forms of contrapcetion, i thought it was impossible. I was dead set against abortion because i don't agree with it except in desperate circumstances...we disgree very much on whether this is a manageable situation or not, with me being a natural optimist and he a pessimist, but because he was totally in pieces and i wanted a future with him as we had planned (house and money first), i eventually went along for a late term abortion, even though i completely disagreed with it, and i told him, i'm doing this for you only if you'll support me after and only if you promise that if it doesn't happen for reasons beyond my control you'll stay with me and help me raise our child (or 'The Thing inside you' as he calls it.) And that he'd be there for the birth...but as soon as they told me that i was over the limit for an abortion he a. accused me of lying to him (fair enough i should have asked him there with me and i'm fool for not doing it, but i'm going to get my midwife notes to prove it), b. said that he never believed he'd have to live up to any of those promises.

I HATE being alone. My family are not really supportive because they say if i feel that strongly i should have had an abortion when i first found out, when it wasn't too late (and my boyfriend says the same). I suppose i have to accept that. And i live miles from them. My boyfriend and i don't need each other. I feel so lonely; my friends are like acquaintances and offer no relief, i can't relate to anyone except him really just because of the way i am, i am very family/home orientated...i keep talking to him, forgetting he's not here and i think i'm going crazy. I feel like i just want to die giving birth because i can't live with this, maybe because i have nothing to replace him with, i NEED to give affection not recieve it so much, and even though i'm still getting on with all my day to day functions fine, at night practical me gives way to emotional pain.

I really don't know what to do to distract myself or fill this hole; i mostly work from home this year which i have no choice about and i don't have the money for expensive hobbies. If the baby was here now maybe i would feel different because i would have no time to think, but there's still months to go and i'm about to be made homeless because i can't pay the rent alone.

I'm usually so calm; i'm the one who is there for him, and i don't know why i feel like this, and yes, he's a bastard for acting like this, but i have nothing to replace him and no one is going to want to date a pregnant woman or a single mother with a baby and no spare time. But i wouldn't want to hurt this baby, i think i love it already. Although i'm worried that it might have something wrong with it! It's femur length measures over a week older than it's head circumference, and the head diameter is dated earlier than the circumference! The technician didn't seem too concerned though.

Argh! I must sound very desperate but i just needed to reach out to some fellow humanity to remind myself i am not on a island.

Thank you

Didn't realise you had already started this other thread, so replied to the other you began later.

You will never forgive him if you are pushed into this. Not because termination is the wrong choice, but because it obviously isn't your choice.

OK, I've stopped shaking!

Firstly, please do try to eat. Get some cartons of fresh soup if nothing else.

Secondly, how many weeks pg are you? You may be over the limit for abortion anyway and if you're not, you ought to do a bit of swotting up on what a late termination involves as it may come as a bit of a shock and you would be better off knowing what it entailed before you spend more time worrying about whether to have one or not.

Thirdly, the intellectuals don't breed bit is just bs. Both dh and I have very high IQs and I don't think we're the only ones in the world to be having a baby!

I am sorry for scepticism if I am wrong about this (and you are the same person who has been posting a ot in the past with a similar style and the same dilemma).
If you are genuine: please ignore the utter rubbish that 'everyone' agrees with this selfish man that he should be supported in bullying you into an abortion. No one does except perhaps one or two of his immature sexist mates.

I don't think this is for real either for same reasons as sgb.

Anyway - in case you are genuine - a late abortion will be very traumatic for you, and won't turn back the clock and put your relationship right. And who knows what would next make this spineless man decide to bugger off again.

If this is for real or not can we refrain from the 'he needs his bits ripping off if he doesn't want kids right now' type of responses. I was adamantly against having kids until I got to 30, does that mean I should have had a hysterectomy because I wasn't ready?!?! Of course not, and that makes about as much sense as the useless vasectomy suggestions. We demand choice over our fertility so why can't we give men some choice too.

Poppet: if a man is so against fatherhood that he is prepared to threaten and bully a woman into having a late termination against her wishes, then he really should have a vasectomy - for one thing, to remove him from the gene pool.

Poppet45, if you were against having children to the extent you would try to force someone to abort your baby against their wishes then yes, you should either have been sterilised or abstained from having sex as contraception is not necessarily 100% all of the time.

Not wanting kids (and doing your level best to avoid having them) right now is one thing, trying to force someone else to abort one is another.

I fully agree with solidgoldgrass & nekabu.

When i was 19 i stupidly fell pregnant,i was in a relationship & very nieve. the father wanted an obortion his mother told him if i didnt get rid of it they would chuck him out of home (of which he was older than me) & he would not be able to finish his degree at university(he was doing a masters degree.)
my family on the other hand gav me support & my mother told me that she was not happy as i was still young but she would support anyway i took. I was eventually blackmailed so much by his parents that I did hav an obortion very very early & i cried on the way ther,cried on the way home & i have cried for years 2 come & every single day i regret what i did. Now i am 31. I have been tring for a baby for the last 5years & i cant haave one. This is probably gods way of telling me i am a child killer & i do not deserve anougher chance.. who knows. Oh & we split up..cant remember reason y,but it just stands to reason,with all the emotion in between the 2 of us. No relationship is/will last in this way. Plus from that day on i hated him & hated his 'fulgar' family.

I'm so sorry Serenwyn. He is putting you in an unspeakable situation. Please don't let him force you into that horrid choice. In your first post you said about how you love your little person already and that's what you have to hang on to. I can't imagine that you would ever be happy with the decision to not keep your child in the years to come.

It must be hard for you with no-one around to talk to and you probably feel a bit isolated working from home. Please carry on talking on MN and there is also Parentline who are like Samaritans but specifically for families 0808 800 2222. Also try and get some professional support from your midwife or GP.

Do try and eat. I know it's hard when you really don't feel like it but you need to. Take care sweetie.

Hi Serenwyn,

just wanted to tell you that i am in a similar situation. Actually maybe worst because your ex at least talks to you and he explain why he doesnt want to be a father.

My ex didnt even have the guts to talk or to explain anything. Not even the balls to suggest abortion. Nothing. Just silence. The day i ve told him i am pregnant he said 'you and I we have finished. shut up. we finished.' And he hung up the phone and since then he hasnt reply at all. he sent me a text saying that the baby is a 'script' !!!

I was very much in love with him like you have been with your ex and i know how you are feeling. It is very painful. I also feel like there is a knife on my chest. I never expected this from him. He had his bad points, he was depressed, he was stuborn, he had a temper, he was moody etc but i thought at least he has good personality and good heart.. I didn't mind all his bad points because i loved him so much. But this...i just cant beleive it. I am still in shock even so it has been 3 months for us.

I m also in the same boat as you because i dont have family, they live abroad. It is very hard to be pregnant and completely alone and abandoded by the man you loved and trusted.I know how you feel.

I just wish you all the strenght to cope with the situation.

K x
K x

Also i wanted to tell you that one night i was feeling very very low and i log on and started a thread here and some lovely women spoke to me until 5 in the morning. I dont know what i would have done that night if wasn't for them. I was very low. if i didnt have their help God knows what i would have done.

So whenever you feel low, come here and you will find some support.And also lots information about pregnancy because when you have unplanned pregnancy there are so many things you need to ask and to learn.
(although the father of my baby thinks that my pregnancy was planned!)

I let the love of my life force me into an unwanted abortion, just so I could stay with him.

Inevitably it destroyed our relationship. We stuck it out for 7 years, but ultimately we made each other desperately unhappy and the relationship turned really volatile.

If you feel for this baby already, you will never get over the pain and resentment of him making you terminate it. It will be with you for a long, long time.

You need to do whatever feels right to you and whatever that decision is, you will get support, especially on here - just don't let him push you into a decision that could be wrong for you.

There are also lots of ladies who are living proof that you can get through this kind of situation, there is light at the end of this horrible time, maybe also you need to go through this life changing experience so that your life can get better and better I am a big believer in 'what goes around comes around' and 'everything happens for a reason'. Cliche I know, and not sure if this is much help to you !

puffylovett
I agree with you and i also beleive that 'everything happens for a reason'. The day this happened i supposed to fly and leave the country that we were in. But i was turned back at the airport because of passport problem, so i went back home, he came to see me, and... it happened. Thats why i couldnt have abortion, i feel like it meant to happen.

As for 'what goes around comes around' well i dont want anything bad to happen to him and i dont wish him to ever feel a pain like the one i feel right now. But... there is nothing worst than beeing an old man years later and regreting what you have done in your life and having a young girl or boy knocking your door and asking you 'why'. Or even worst having a child who doesnt even want to speak to you....

Katrina and Puffy: I wish you both strength and peace and the best for your situations - but please be aware that there is a very strong chance that the OP is someone who keeps posting long tangled stories about having an abortion for the sake of her 'wonderful' boyfriend and ignoring all the advice given, so quite a few people are a bit suspicious of 'her'.

i havent read all off thread but my so called bf left me when i was pregnant with his child to go back to his ex girlfriend and phoned me to tell me to get rid of my baby if not he would kill himslef anyway i put the phone down and never spoke to him again my son is now six and is gourgeous and i love him so much the dad doesnt know what hes missing he is a wanker anyway what im trying to say is you can do this without him dont ever let him make u feel like shit and its ur fault for destroying his life i hope things go will for you and ur baby and u have the incredible bond that i have with my son xx

F*@[/ him

Enjoy your pregnancy, its his loss.

This maybe a little hard but get off your butt stop feeling guity and alone and look after yourself and your baby

You are going to go through something that is remarkable and special, that only other mothers will understand. When you hold your baby for the 1st time everything will go away, you will not beleive that something so small can give so much love bk to you.

You have already provided that you are a very strong person.

would love to hear how you are doing? xx

Ladies, the OP has another thread going (called I don't know what to do) and it's looking like it is a troll.

I have just found out I am pregnant and my boyfriend has left me. He wanted me to get rid of it and said he loved me and we could have one in couple of years but when I said I needed time to think he turned nasty and called me for everything. He left and I have not heard from him since. I am left feeling so alone and empty. I can't sleep and can't eat. I have a 9 year old daughter who is at her dads this weekend but I don't want her seeing me upset in anyway. I have a big decision to make and I am worried how my daughter will take the news if I am strong enough to keep this child because I am worried about telling her I am having a child but it will have no dad. I don't know what message this will pertray to a child. If anyone has been through similar it would be good to hear from you. Just feel so alone and in inner turmoil.

hi jjlfc

I am sorry that you are in this position- I think you should post this over in relationships and you will get some advice - this thread was started by a troll and people won't thin to look at it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this -I was dumped by the man I loved when I was pregnant and it was sooo painful and scary.
I realise now that any man who does that is a tool no matter how much you love him.
I kept dd inspite of his pressure to get an abortion and I got over him and now I couldn't be happier with my darling dd. I can see abright future filled with love and happiness. So will you.
Be strong. You will be ok. He should know better, especially after being with you for 5 years. It is a sighn that you are worth more and so is your little one.

Your ex btw is a knob and trying to manipulate you into getting rid of your baby. Do you want him back after this?

Oh poppet- why don't men have the same choice? Because they don't have to carry the child in their womb that's why and they have the option to bog off (which many do). Everyone knows that women get the final say as they have to deal with the brunt of parenting anyway.
Why couldn't her bloke put a rubber on his knob or get a vasectomy if he was that against fatherhood?
Are you a bloke btw poppet or do you just hate women?

OP- don't get an abortion for a bloke. Just don'tplease- you will regret it. If you can be a lone mum then go for it! You won't regret your baby.

troll. oh dear!

If it is a troll- it's not a nice subject to troll about.

I would ask you, what would you tell your child if it was a daughter? Would you urge her to have a late termination, if it's at all possible, on a child that's viable, or almost, just for the selfish love of a man who may or may not stay with you. He most likely WILL come back, until you do something else that displeases him or don't do what he wants. If you're worried about being a single mum and never meeting anyone else don't be I was a single mum to 5 when I met my DH and we are currently adding the 8th one to our family. I totally understand how lonely and isolated you feel, like you've been dropped in the middle of the ocean and don't know which way to turn but believe me the love of your child will be so rewarding that soon you will have a full life that will keep you busy day and night and eventually, maybe not as soon as you'd like you will be able to move forward. It would be a shame to trade off unconditional love for the rest of your life for conditional love that may or may not last. I really hope you do feel better soon. :O

I went through something similar with a man I adored to the exclusion of reason. He strong-armed and manipulated me into doing something I didn't want to do, in similar circumstances. Then bolted for the hills never to be seen again. Unfortunately I can't change the past but I can add my voice to the above support by saying that when I think back to that time, it's not him I think about.

Perhaps take some time away, switch off your phone and let your thoughts come.