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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

the circle of life

26 replies

DevilsAdvocaat · 21/02/2009 20:37

i feel like i'm jinxed.
it looks like dh's grandma isn't going to make it through the night
this happened last time i was pg with ds and dh's grandad died

don't know what to do with myself and am really feeling the whole circle of life thing.

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Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 21/02/2009 20:49

has anyone else had this?

my nan died after my sis had a baby too.

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Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 21/02/2009 20:58

can't tempt anyone for a chat about death then, well i suppose it is saturday night.

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TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 21/02/2009 21:50

I know the feeling. My grandma had a major asthma attack on Boxing Day, they thought it was a heart attack. On the Monday OH's nan had an asthma attack and was admitted. I went into premature labour on NYE and delivered early 2nd January. OH's nan died on the following Monday, my grandma got better.

I felt terrible, we were called to the hospital NYD and OH spent the next few days running between two hospitals. I told him not to visit us and spend the time with his nan as he only had limited time with her and all his life with Fifi.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 21/02/2009 22:21

aw tbmaf, that's really sad.
i remember going to dh's gdads funeral and feeling almost guilty that i was the advert of life iykwim.

now this with gma. she thinks i've already had a girl as she is disorientated. i feel so sad that she's not going to meet my next baby. she loves ds so much.

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Evenstar · 22/02/2009 01:08

I lost someone in the family just before each of my babies were born, my FIL was dying all through my first pregnancy and died a month before DS1 was born. DS1 was born a month to the day later, on the day his grandfather's ashes were interred. DD was born 3 weeks after my stepfather died and DS2 3 weeks after a beloved aunt passed away. I was very distressed by it and spoke to my dear grandmother and she said "It is Nature's way darling, a birth and a death". Which was more helpful than MIL's comment after DD was born, "You'd better not have another one or that will be me gone".

Saw you on the other thread and didn't want you to go unanswered, don't feel bad about what is happening. So sorry for your situation and sending you strength.

MKG · 22/02/2009 01:29

My father died two weeks after I found out I was pregnant with ds1. My solace is that he knew I was pregnant and the last conversation I had with him that I know he understood was the one where I told him I was pregnant. He was so happy and proud.

WhatSheSaid · 22/02/2009 02:05

My mum died a week after my dd was born. Our neighbour at the time told us that his dad died a day or two before their first child was born.

A vicar I spoke to after my mum died said that she has often seen a birth happening very close to a death in a family.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 22/02/2009 10:43

thanks for your responses.
some very sad stories here.
i wish my dad had been around to meet my ds too.

the thing i find difficult is that your life changes so much after you have a baby, it's then hard to imagine how a lost loved one would react and think of your decisions.

since my dad died 3 years ago i have gotten married had ds, moved twice and am pregnant again. every step forward in my life seems a step further away from him. does anyone know what i mean?

dh is on his way to see gma one last time as they are taking off her mask to make her more comfortable. then he has an hour drive back here, i hope he'll be ok.

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lydiathetattooedlady · 22/02/2009 11:54

i know what you mean, and how you feel. my little brother died, i then found out i was pregnant a few weeks later. it freaks me out a bit. i found it hard to get excited about being pregnant so close after losing him. i sometimes still struggle, and think i may have to find out the sex of the baby, because if it is a boy it will seem a bit wierd. does that make sense?? i really want this baby now and it has given us soemthing to look forward to after all thats happened.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 22/02/2009 15:07

yes i know what you mean.
after losing my dad in the feb, we got married in july and i was pregnant in september.
i think i needed to have something to make the future brighter.

i am so sorry that you lost your brother. i hope you can look forward to the future with your baby. it does help.

if it is a boy it will be hard, but lovely at the same time.

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TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 22/02/2009 16:52

Death and babies seem common in our family and not necessarily different people. I lost my first daughter and my SIL lost one of her twins at six weeks. Tink is the only one of my babies that doesn't have a death associated with her birth but she was born about 9 months after her sister.

TBD told me last night that Fifi's picture was on his nan's coffin which I hadn't noticed. I was glad that she knew her last great-grandchild (there won't be anymore I'm the only one who could give her one and TBD is having the op soon) got a picture of her (the hospital very kindly did one for us to send over) and knew that the baby had been called after her husband and MIL.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 22/02/2009 20:04

aw tbmaf. that is so sad.
it's lovely that she knew.
i'm glad we told dh's gma about this baby when we did. if we had waited until 12 weeks we'd have regretted it.

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Poppet45 · 23/02/2009 10:12

I know exactly what you mean about steps further away Devilsadvocaat, my mum died when I was 17 so 13 years later my life would be pretty unrecognisable to her. She never knew my husband let alone would be able to picture me as a grown up mum to be. Funnily enough though, the last time I stood by her grave - I live along way from where I grew up - I was about 2 days pregnant with a surprise conception but didn't know it, and was telling her about our hopes for next year including trying for a small person.
There's patterns in life, and sometimes you can take comfort from them too.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 23/02/2009 12:34

thanks poppet.
i can't imagine not having my mum around when pregnant, it must be very hard for you. do you have other female support?

dh's gma died last night

funnily, i just saw an advert for a programme on tv on thursday about the circle of life. i think it's 24 hours in one city following death, marriage and birth.

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Poppet45 · 23/02/2009 12:49

It's hard - I feel like I'm kind of mildly grieving again for her in a whole new way, as I understand more about her from the perspective of parenthood which as a stroppy teenager I'd never even thought about. And on a practical level I'd love to know how her preg went but can't ask and nor can I ask if I had chickenpox or rubella or mumps or german measles or.... and all sorts of useful stuff right now.
But in another way I really feel she's watching out for us both. My aunt is finding my preg pretty difficult though as she's so sad for what her sister is missing.
Do get quite fed up of other new parents complaining about their interfering mums helping out in the first weeks after babe is born, although I'm sure it can get annoying it just seems so monstrously ungrateful. I would literally give my eye teeth for that sort of support. But I'm very lucky generally have a hubby and a twin sister who between them are my rock - even though my sis had an abortion last year so it's a lot for her to deal with - and my mum in law is going to come over from Europe and help us when jellybean arrives.
I'm so sorry for your DH and the family. Chin up.

bringonthetrumpets · 23/02/2009 12:50

i have a story as well. dh's sister found out she was preggers with her dd right before their dear granddad passed away and that was three years ago.

i heard my dear granddad went into the hospital on the night of the 24th of jan 08, had a bfp the next morning on the 25th. i immediately knew this was the last hospital trip for gramps so the positive was incredibly bittersweet. i went to visit him that day and he was the first person that i told. he told me that it was going to be a boy (it was) and he knew that everything was going to be okay. he passed away on the 31st of january.

now that ds is here, he has his namesake. he's also very silly like gramps was. maybe i'm projecting it a bit on ds but i see a lot of gramps in him and i know that he's being watched over by him.

so sorry to hear about your dh's gram devil

xxhunnyxx · 23/02/2009 13:22

My great grandma died a few hours after she became a great-great grandma.
Also, I felt my baby kick for the first time and got a very strong feeling that it is a boy (still don't know if I'm right) on the day that one of my friends died. I didn't actually know at the time that he had died so it wasn't just psychological.
Personally, I actually feel that the whole 'circle of life' thing can be a comfort when somebody dies. It's always sad to lose somebody you love but I try to think that it wouldn't be possible to make these new amazing lives without death.
Also, knowing that we've got a new baby to look forward to has really helped us whilst grieving for our friend.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 23/02/2009 13:22

bringonthetrumpets, that's interesting.
dh's gma said we had a girl, i wonder if it will be true.

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Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 23/02/2009 13:28

hunny, last night i was laying awake in the room next to my ds. dh was away staying with his family. i was so tired and couldn't sleep. i swear i heard a click like a light switch being turned on or off. it sounded like it came from ds's room. it actually freaked me out as i was on my own. i actually thought to myself that she'd gone. i just popped in to ds's room to check on him and he was fast asleep. then about 15 mins later dh text me that his gma had died.

i remember this with my nan too.

she was in hosp but nothing serious. on my way to work i had a memory of a story she once told me about the war. a nice memory. i got a call at work saying that she'd died and it would have been about the same time. my sister had thoughts about her at the same time too.

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bringonthetrumpets · 23/02/2009 15:35

the same thing happened, i just knew when he went. i was in class at uni and i just suddenly felt like i was going to start bawling, the emotions just started running wild. about 10 minutes later i left class to answer a call and it was from my dad saying that he died.

i still tear up when i think of him. he was my favourite person.

yeah, would be very cool if she knew!!

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 23/02/2009 17:27

My grandmother died a year to the day of my EDD. Mum never had her when she was pregnant or had a new baby so she has been a fantastic support to me because she knew what she never had and I'm grateful because I know how much it means to her.

In a way I think it's good that people complain about their mother because it means they haven't been through something tragic that means they know what it's like to not have her, IYSWIM.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 23/02/2009 21:16

thanks for all your replies everyone.
it's so hard.
i frequently want to shake people who don't speak to their parents and say "THEY DON'T LIVE FOREVER YOU KNOW!", but really i know you can't live your life wishing things for other people iykwim.

i feel lucky because i know what i have and i know what it is to lose someone so close. it makes me scared for the future though. once you've been in that kind of grief, you start to see the future in a diff way.

i'm gabbling on a slightly depressive note. apologies.

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Poppet45 · 23/02/2009 22:35

No you're not being depressive at all! I know exactly how you feel, when the grief was very raw and I was young and gung ho I realised the bravest but most awful thing you could ever wish for would be to outlive your loved ones so you and not them would experience the pain.... now I know I am no longer brave enough and am terrified at the thought of dealing with that degree of grief again. Unfortunately though it's a bit of a side effect of being alive and caring for others. We just have to enjoy the amazing things in life... like our little growing bambinos. Daily miracles each and every one.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 24/02/2009 09:43

yes i have thought the same.

my thoughts and life and death have changed so much between losing my dad and ds being born.

suddenly i am living my life to make sure he is well and provided for. NOT that i don't have anything else to live for, of course i do. i have an amazing family and dh. it's just that now the thought of me dying, him dying seems oh so scary that when he was first born i tortured myself with what could be. i guess that is normal in the beginning anyway, the sense of responsibility and all that.

my little ds is what keeps me going when things are hard. i find in him what some people get from religion i suppose, faith in life as opposed to god. children are so innocent and good, we all need that in life.

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xxhunnyxx · 24/02/2009 14:51

I just thought I'd update on my post from the other day, I said that I got a really strong feeling that my baby is a boy on the day that a male friend died. Well I had my 20 week scan today and it is a boy!
Now I'm not saying that my baby is my friend reincarnated but it does strengthen my belief in the one out one in theory.
Baby's middle name will be our friend's name so that will be nice.