How do I tell best friend that don't want her partner to come and stay after birth?

[Moop]

Hello

Hoping for some advice as got myself into a pickle. I have asked my best friend if she can come and stay after the birth of baby no. 2. As we are in Belgium and it luckily cooincides with her half term holiday I asked if she could come and she said yes. Trouble is on the telephone the other day she talked alot about when "we" come in May - meaning partner as well (I think she misinterpreted an email I had sent about him being welcome at a birthday party at MIL's house for DD1). He is a nice chap but don't know him very well and really don't want extra people about and stuff.

How do I say could we leave his visit to later?

I am asking her to give up most of her weeks holiday (though I now think Tues to Sat so not all of it) but really don't want to offend her.

The only thing I have thought is saying that I wouldn't be comfortable BF in front of him which I know I wouldn't.

Any other ideas?

Does she have children already?

I think that if this was me I wouldn't say anything and be glad that she is willing to come. He might be useful! You can send him out for cake etc.

I know what you mean about not wanting lots of people but she has obviously taken it as a given that he is coming. Tou can only tell her the truth if you don't want him to come, but I can't really think what you would say.

I think if she is a good friend she will understand - I mean, she's there to help, not as a holiday. I'm presuming she has no kids herself. I can't imagine a mother thinking you'd want spare people you don't know that well staying just after you've had a baby. It's hardly a time to be a hostess.

Maybe just send an honest but tactful mail, stressing you like him very much, but it's a very personal and emotionally charged time, and you need only people you're very close to about? And mention that establishing bf can be a struggle in th eearly days and you'd not be comfortable doing that around anyone less close than she is - that you think of her as being like family? In a way it's a big compliment that you want her there, not an insult that you don't him.

ooohh, I don't know. I can totally understand your feelings on this one, but I think you also have to put yourself in your friend's shoes.

Perhaps you could mention to her that you are concerned about BFing in front of him and ask how you will all work that out & she might take the hint?

Tough one! She is giving up her half term to spend with you (Is she a teacher?)

I think I would talk to her (not e-mail or text actually talk) if she is your best friend you should be able to have open and frank conversations. But equally be prepared for her to say she hadn't realized and is loathed to spend so much of her break away from dp.

Why have you asked her to come and stay? To help you with the new baby? How have you arranged this, are you sure she's not coming because she wants a holiday?

no she is definitely coming to help as DD1 will only be 15 months and i will be having a CS and hence a little restricted in what I can do.
She does not have children (not able) but is very used to her young neices and nephew and they are a muck in sort of family. When we have talked in the past it has been about her coming so I can only think she has misread the email I sent saying that I had asked MIL if it was ok if partner came to small family party this saturday for DD1.

So I am seeing her this saturday and won't see her again before May so need to say whatever I need to say. MIL and FIL will have already been with us about 2 weeks (5 days of which me in hospital) and I just don't want an extra person, male who I don't know very well around and I think it will all end up being too much for DD1 - she does not see MIL and FIL often enough to know who they are and will not remember friend and has never seen her partner. I wish I had never sent the bloomin email now as she did not respond but I am sure that is what has prompted her to include him.

I am now thinking of her coming Tues to Fri or Sat so not the whole week.

Don't rely on hints, they don't work. If she is really your best friend you say "I'm sorry, there appears to have been a misunderstanding, I thought you were planning on coming alone. I don't want (insert partner's name) to come because it will all be a bit mad post partum."

Then stop talking. Take it as given that she will be reasonable and don't make excuses. It is then up to her whether this is accpetable to her or not.

tell her the truth. if i were her i'd be glad of it. explain that if that means she cant come as long, you understand.

This struck a chord with me as I really felt anxious after my first birth when friends/sisters brought other halves or children with them to visit me in the early days. I found it so stressful.

It's not great for bonding and establishing feeding if you are uncomfortable/anxious, plus feeling the need to be dressed and presentable for someone else just adds to it - your well known and loved friend, who can see you in any state can't she?

Why don't you be really honest and say you've got a confession, and feel in a bit of a pickle about it. For all you know her OH might relish the "free pass" to stay home, watch sport and catch up with friends. Maybe even say to her you won't insist on it as a condition, because you are so grateful on her help, but would prefer it is poss?

Good luck!

I'd have him along and make him the gopher for the week!
But obviously, if you're not comfortable, then a direct talk is the way to do it.

Firstly talk to her rather than e-mail.

Secondly, tell her you are very keen to get to know her partner better and you would love them both to come and stay at some stage... however you do not think you could cope with having both of them staying after the birth in addition to your in-laws.

You will have to accept that it will be her decision whether to come alone or not at all, though.

excuse the grammar in my last post!

"your well known and loved friend, who can see you in any state can't she?"

"because you are so grateful on for her help"

if it was my best friend she would understand 100% that i wouldnt want her husband there.

i think your bes option is to speak to her directly and clarify what she thinks you meant. and if she has misinterpreted then tell her that it wasnt your intention for him to come and explain why. i am sure she will understand. thats what best friends do.

To be honest I'd let her bring him, or accept that neither of them have to come and help out. She's doing you a favour - at your request - and if both her and her partner both work, getting time away together can be very difficult - I regularly have to take time apart from my hubby because we can't get time off together and I begrudge it, so to have time off together and then be told one of you isn't welcome would be pretty hurtful. And there are probably less stressful ways of spending a holiday than with someone who doesn't really want her partner there. Of course if she foisted her 'help' on you, or asks you to leave your kids/partner behind when you visit to offer her much needed help and support when she asks for it then that's different. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit brutal, but I think you might risk offending her and possibly damaging a valuable friendship. You can always ask for him to go out a lot, or make up errands but dictating exact terms of someone's offer of help isn't going to go down well. Tread carefully.

You could play the dum card and send another email saying "thanks so much for comming and thank {So and so} for letting me borrow you " type email and see how she responds to it! then if she says she was bringing her partner then express your worries. it prob wont be as bad as you think.

This is tough, I agree that honesty is the best way to go but it's not always that easy I know. A bit naughty but i'd probably ask her what her partner is going to be doing when she comes to visit you or say something on the lines of 'thank him so much for being so understanding of you abandoning him to help me outthrough your half term I really appreciate it, does he have plans for the time you'll be away?" That way she isn't embarrassed that she presumed he was invited as she doesn't think you've realised her mistake and you aren't in the awkward position of confronting it. I'm sure however if she's your best friend that you have nothing to worry about if you're honest and blunt about it though.Do it sooner rather than later either way as you'll only think to much on it. xx

The only other thing I thought of is, isn't this going to be quite a bittersweet gig for your friend who loves kids but can't have them? Helping out but seeing up close and personal what she'll never ever have for herself. If that was me I'd find that unbelieveably hard - much harder than having one extra person in my house - and I'd want my partner there if I ever needed a quiet little sob in private at what wasn't to be. In the scheme of things I'm sure her partner will want to be out of the house as much as possible anyway - newborn babies not being terribly interesting to blokes who aren't parents - and he certainly isn't likely to be intruding on your breast feeding attempts, more like turning bright red and running out of the room in a panic everytime you start. I'm really hoping this isn't upsetting for you, I don't mean it that way at all but I do think you need to consider her feelings as well as yours. She's willing to be your support, so why not let her have hers?

Tell her there is only a single bed available?