Stressed and worried - baby in a one bed flat

[littlemissworried]

I'm 32 wks pregnant and stressed.

My partner and I both work for ourselves and have found ourselves unable to get a mortgage to move out of our small one bed flat or to re-mortgage and extend to put another bedroom on, which is what we were planning.

We are both extremely concerned about bringing our baby into the world into a small flat, which has barely enough space for us two, especially after the initial first few months when the baby should be moving into its own room. Does anyone else have experience or advice?

Also, my partner is blaming himself for (as he puts it) not being able to provide for his family and he's getting himself really depressed about it.

I try my hardest to tell him that we are fine - that all our child will need is a secure environment and loving parents but it's really affecting him - and it's affecting me too as I know he's dreading the birth of our child, which makes me so sad, especially as he had an awful childhood and was reluctant for us to have children if he couldn't provide a life that he didn't have.

I had DS in a one bedroom flat for the first six months. It was absolutely fine. It would have been fine for the first year too I reckon.

I didnt have a bath only a shower so I used to bath him in the kitchen sink.

They dont take up much space initially and chances are even if you had another bedroom, you would want your baby in with you at the beginning anyway.

Tell him to relax, two parents who love a child are far more important than a separate bedroom.

Just try and be tidy, get some good storage and relax. Who knows what may happen in a year, you may then be able to afford to move and up until then your DC will certainly not notice he hasnt got his own bedroom.

Oh please don't worry about the size of your flat. My dd1 didn't get her own bedroom till she was two and a half, which we were all very happy with. It doesn't matter. You'll just need to get out of the flat a lot during the daytimes, which is no bad thing in any case. I've got a friend who has two children in a teeny tiny flat with the kitchen & living room all in the same little room, and a second bedroom which only has space for one child's bed and no wardrobe, and they're a bit cramped but really fine and happy. They play out at the park and playgroups a lot.

Your poor partner. He must be feeling very anxious. I hope he can see when the baby arrives that you are right about love and security being the most important things. Because you are of course absolutely right.

Your baby won't care about its own room for ages - when they're little they'll spend all their waking hours in the same room as you (kitchen/living room) and at night they'll be delighted if they can sleep in your room (or better still in your bed!). Just keep it simple - buy as little as possible for the baby's first few months as clutter seems to accumulate quickly (and you hardly need anything for a baby, just lots of cuddles and nappies). Don't worry - it will be amazing whatever size your flat is.

Try not to worry. You don't have to have things to give your children a good life. As long as they know they are loved, entertained by you then they will be happy.
I am a mum of 5 children. We were in a 3bed semi and we coped. I had the baby in with me till over a year and it is fine. We have only just been able to extend to make another bedroom. I have a tidy house but there are childrens things all over the place but I like it. They have a home not just a house.
Is he only dreading the birth because of bringing baby home or fear of your labour?

Thank you all!

Leanne5, he's dreading the baby coming for lots of reasons. He had a horrible childhood with a dad who gambled and they had no money and he's scared that he won't be able to provide a good life for our child - that he's a dreamer like his dad.

When I met him he said he didn't want children and he changed his mind so we can stay together.

Not being able to get a mortgage/a bigger place has really affected him and just reinforces his view of himself as being selfish in pursuing his business and not getting a 'proper job' to support his family. I try to reassure him that he is doing all he can do but it's in his own head to resolve it and I don't know how to make it better for him. He's said that he feels very depressed but won't go and see anyone.

Hiya, just thought I'd add that one of my best friend lives in a small one bed flat with her dh and her daughter who is 3yo.
They can't afford to move either and they're coping fine. The daugther has always slept in their bedroom.

If you are both stressed and worried though you might wanna talk about it to your midwife or GP and maybe get some kind of counselling (for both of you)? It's good to talk.

srry, x-posted.
Ask him to reconsider seeing someone about being depressed, that's not his fault that he feels that way and he doesn't have to feel that way.
But he has the responsability to look after himself so that he can support you emotionally.

Don't worry at all (easier said than done I know) We lived in a tiny one bed in W1 when DD was born, lived there until she was 6 months. It was literally 3 rooms, kitchen/lounge, bathroom and teeny bedroom. It was no problem at all as they really don't take up much space at that age. You can also make life easier by being practical with furniture etc, i.e we used the bugaboo as a cot in the lounge and bought a travel cot for her to sleep in in the bedroom. We had to buy an extra mattress for the travel cot as otherwise some are not suitable for babies to sleep in long term. It was much more compact than a proper cot but worked just as well, it was an oval one from mamas and papas. We used a mat on the bed instead of a changing table. They also won't need a high chair etc until later so don't worry about that. If you get a bumbo seat you can use that if you don't have room for a highchair.

All a baby needs is somewhere to sleep, milk and lots of love, which all have nothing to do with how much you earn or how big your bedroom is! I was always reassured by the fact that my great aunt and uncle ended up having twins in a one bed house in East london in the 40s and they both slept in a chest of drawers until they were 1! Hope everything works out for you.

We have a small 2 bed flat. Although it is one more room than yours, that second room is tiny and we are about to try for another baby so will be in similar situation to you...

These are things we have done to help.

Thrown away everything we do not need (thrown, sold, given). You need to be ruthless
Bought space saving storage for cupboards to clear as much space as possible in the place. Ikea is great for this, relatively cheap, great ideas. We have high ceilings so have gone upwards where we can instead of out. Include in this a storage unit to organise toys, something like www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/50103086 with these that fit perfectly into the spaces. We have used these to organise the toys - trainset in one, puzzles in another, animals/people in another etc. This has saved enormous ground space which toys can take up in seperate boxes.
Ensured we do not hoard unecessary toys etc. Children do not actually need tons and tons of toys - our DD has more than she needs already, and she has half that of her friends of similar ages. She only plays with half of it most of the time.
Got rid of coffee table, unecessary buly furnitre.
Got a dishwasher so the kitchen is always easier to tidy.

hth

oh and even with the second room, DD was in with us for 8 months anyway, and we would have been happy for her to stay with us until 1 or more if we had to, as will likely be the case with the next one.

Please don't worry. I think that we've been conditioned nowadays to think that babies and children need lots of space and their own room, but it wasn't like that for many many many generations!

We had DD1 in with us for over 5 months, and it's very common to have the baby in with you for longer. DD2 will be in with us until she sleeps through - when she will go in with DD1 - if she's like DD1 that will be a year old.

A thought - friends of ours lived in a one bedroom place and once the baby was old enough for her own room they put her (and all her baby stuff) in the bedroom and slept in the lounge on a sofa bed. It worked really well for them.

I had my DS1 when I had a one bedroom flat and he shared a room with me in it until he was 8 months old and then we moved to my parents and shared a room for a bit. It was fine; as others have said, sort out your storage, declutter as much as possible and try not to accumulate too many baby bits ans pieces, some of them aren't really necessary inspite of what all the parenting magazines tell you.

I'm sorry your DP had a horrible childhood, but tbh I think that his awareness of it all will make him a better parent for it as he will be determined not to make the same mistakes his father made. It's also common for men to have a wobblies about being a parent the closer it gets to being a reality. It'll fade into insignificance once the baby is here. He sounds like a very sensitive and caring person who will make a great Dad

Don't worry, you will be fine - like everyone else has said, the baby will be with you for a good few months anyway, and you are definitely not alone! I live in central London, we have a two-bed flat but my two DCs share a tiny bedroom - it's hardly got room for their bunkbeds, a chest of drawers and a chair! I also know several people who have one-bed flats - either their DC's get the bedroom and the parents sleep on a sofa bed or they all go in together - I can even go further and tell you about another friend who had two kids in a Studio flat . What's important is that your DC knows you love him/her, and the feeling of security you will provide the baby has nothing to do with the size of your home. You and your DP are well aware of his past experiences and the fact that you are able to accept them and deal with them together is half the battle won.

Pavlov got there before me with the ikea advice.

Just think - you are not stressed and worried about not being able to pay a hugh mortgage and having the house taken from you, which in some cases will be happening.

Enjoy the rest of your pg and enjoy being a family all close in together.

Just to add, back in the 1910,20's it was normal to have one bedroom and three or four children sharing mum and dads bed (I do wonder how on earth they got pg again!!)

I understand that it is very upsetting to be 'forced' into a situation which does not feel ideal.

I don't know if it would make you feel better - we 'chose' to raise our family in very small spaces. At each turn we prioritised being close to work (i.e. more time at home with family rather than travelling) and financial security over physical space. We are by no means badly paid - our family income has been over 100K some years (though we send money to family, so we live on substantially less than that) .

Dd1 - Dh was a student I took a year mat leave. We moved into my parents spare room, because we couldn;t afford rent without getting into debt. Then we moved back to London, into a 1 bed flat. Dd shared our room, so we could relax in the evenings.

In both cases it was fine - we went out LOTS. Used home as a dormitry/launchpad. I was always at toddler groups, or at the park. Did some great family days out.

When Ds was born, we moved into a small 2 bed flat - on the 2nd floor without a lift. That was harder - got a bit claustrophobic sometimes just with so much mess in a small place (our dining table was in the front room- kitchen was the other end of the flat - Ds liked to throw food about - so it felt like there was always bits of food on the floor ). I think that was also to do with adjusting to two babies. It wasn;t awful - we stayed there 18 months. Again - the big thing was to go out every morning regularly.

Oh - and try not to shop too much for the baby. They really don;t need much. STUFF is murder in small places.

for the first year at least, I reckon it's a bonus to be in a small flat. Less cleaning, no ferrying stuff up and down stairs, no running up and down trying to resettle a waking baby, no stairs to worry about with a crawling baby...and it stops you buying loads of unnecessary baby stuff that no-one really needs.

I would declutter NOW if I were you though. Box up any seldom used stuff, and borrow some loft space from a family member if you can.

Bigger flat/house = much more cleaning . I have come to that conclusion recently. I spend a lot of time cleaning after DD who is 2.5. If i had a house, it would be impossible to keep on top of it. I see it that this way, its easier to clean, cheaper to heat/light, lower council tax, less mortgage.

Up until they're at least a year old (possibly longer) it won't matter a jot. Just get organised with your storage. Seriously, it's completely do-able and really not so bad.

Now relax and enjoy the last few weeks of peace and quiet

You have a few options -
1)Rent out your flat and rent a 2 bedroomed one.
2)Make the livingroom a studio room for you and DH, baby (eventually) in your bedroom
or 3) Just all stay in one room DS was in with DH and I (through choice on both sides) until he was 2 1/2. Even now he spends alot of nights in our bed (3 next month). Please try and now worry - all over the world children and parents share bedrooms etc., it's not a reflection of how well DH has 'provided for you'. Please don't worry

I'm with Paddingtonbore, a small place can be a real advantage. We were all set to move into a 2 bed place a few weeks before the birth of DS1, & when it fell through & we had to stay in our small one bed I was initially v upset. You do feel robbed of 'the dream' of having a special nursery all set up for baby, & frightened that you arent in control & able to make things as you'd like for this precious new person arriving - but it REALLY doesnt matter.
As everyone has said, love & attention are far more important & I found being able to reach nearly everything I needed without getting off the couch a real advantage at times! Try to put the worry out of your heads for now & enjoy all the good things to come.
Maybe your partner can read this thread? He isnt a failure for not being able to magic up a bigger place - who could possibly have predicted the enormous changes taking place because of the credit crunch? He needs to be kinder to himself. Best of luck!

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and practical advice about storage and decluttering (typed as I look around a very cluttery flat!). it?s reassuring to hear that I?m not alone and to try to put things into perspective as I feel that we're losing sight of the important thing ? our child on its way ? has been somewhat lost!

June2009- think counselling is a good idea ? he's so hard on himself and I'm not sure whether he's actually come to terms with having a child

May67 ? we?ve thought about a bugaboo as a cot in the lounge but don't they take up loads of space?

Mrs tittlemouse ? I think you?re right ? there is so much conditioning and expectation (parenting magazines, books, other people) that we will all have a nursery beautifully prepared for when the baby is born that for those of us for whom that?s not the reality it feels as if we?re somehow letting them down right at the start of life.

Lacksadaisical ? he will be a wonderful parent, I just hope that he will let himself be and stops beating himself up

Paddingtonbore/superjump - good points about a smaller place. I do wonder about how we get to escape when we are all living on top of each other.

You're right about the beautifully prepared nursery. When I read the "getting ready for baby" book with DD1 I always skipped the page where they decorated the nursery and put up the (co-ordinating) cot. It made me feel so guilty that we weren't doing that for DD2 (and hadn't for DD1)! Which is completely ridiculous - it's recommended that a baby doesn't go into it's own room until it's a least 6 months. It's only the propoganda from Mothercare et al. that has convinced us that we need a special (and specially-decorated) room.

Would your DH be swayed by environmental arguements, by the way? Houses larged than required need to be built/heated in winter/filled with stuff and produce very large carbon footprints.

We live in a small maisonette, and I cried alot when I was pg that our child would feel unloved because we couldn't give it a proper bedroom. It made me feel really guilty that we weren't decorating a nursery for her. In the end we moved the furniture around in our room so we could fit her cot in and she stayed in with us till she was 6 months, then we moved out into our dining room and gave her our room. She's just fine and has a larger room to play in. On the space saving issue, I agree with previous posts that you really don't need alot so put off as much as you can until after the baby is born, you don't know what you will be bought/given by relatives and you don't know what you can live without until you've tried. We cleared out one of our drawers for her clothes, which are minute so really don't qualify for extra furniture, and I asked family and friends to buy books and clothes rather than toys to save space. This is working well and at 2 she has a fraction of what some of my friends kids have, my house is tidier and she doesn't care coz we're out of the house so much she doesn't need alot here.

Can you convince DH that by staying put and saving money by not buying all the baby bumf that by the time your baby needs more space, hopefully the financial climate will be better and you will have more of a deposit to put down on somewhere then.

DD1 spent 18 months with DP and I in a 1 bed small flat in W6. I think it heped her feel vey secure. The HV came to visit once and I went through to kitchen to make coffee. She commented that DD1 then about 6 months wasn't upset that I had left the room but of course I had only gone about 3 feet away. It can work very well.

It's really common in New York (where I'm from) for people to have a baby in a 1BR - and small 1brs they are! I know a couple who make a 'corner' for the baby in their living room. My grandparents had 3 children in a 1br apartment. You'll be fine.