41 weeks today and baby shows no signs of wanting to make an appearance. Not uncommon but...
On Wednesday I asked my midwife for a membrane sweep as a first attempt at induction and she said that although she was happy for me to have one she wouldn't do one herself as my care is consultant led. She saw me again on Friday and I asked again and she told me to phone the pregnancy assessment unit at the hospital to ask if they would do one, which I did. I explained that although I had an appointment this Wednesday coming which I assumed was for a sweep I wondered if it was possible for them to do one that day. The very abrupt midwife told me no as she would have to ask my consultant and that my midwife should have done it if she was happy for me to have a sweep, and that normal procedure is for me to go in for a sweep at term +10 (next Wednesday) and for induction 48 hours later if the sweep hasn't worked, in a 'this is hospital procedure and you'll stick to it regardless of what you want'.
My care is consultant led because of previous post natal depression, though no one has even broached the subject with me this time round. Baring in mind that post natal depression is something that most women tend not to shout out about until they're actually symptomatic and feeling depressed or suicidal I would have thought that consultant led care due to previous history would have incorporated some kind of 'early warning system' into the care. I've only seen the consultant twice in my whole pregnancy and the last time, at 36 weeks, he said he didn't need to see me again until baby had been born. When I last saw my midwife on Friday morning she, too, said that she didn't need to see me again until baby had been born. When I saw her on Wednesday I asked if I could have a TENS machine and she gave me one from the surgery's stock. I asked how to use it and was told there was an instruction book in the case. This is my problem. I understand that a TENS machine delivers electric impulses (shocks) that build up a tolerance to pain. I've read the booklet several times and it says where to site the electrodes but the problem is there are two sets of electrodes in the case and I haven't a foggiest which ones to use or how they adhere to the skin. The thought going through my head is that I'm so absent minded at the minute that I forget to put anything in DS's sandwiches for his packed lunch and I've been given a machine that delivers electric shocks to the body and when I've asked how to use it I've basically been told to read the booklet and find out myself!
I was diagnosed with SPD several months ago and need to use crutches to walk, especially when I go to the loo during the night. I can't turn over in bed without waking up, I can't do many of the simple tasks I usually take for granted, yet my supposed consultant led care has never asked how I'm coping with the pain, even when I cry out in pain when my pelvis is examined to check the baby's position. I haven't a clue if I'm going to be physically able to give birth vaginally and when I've tried to ask questions about it something else has come up, like I've asked as a question when the midwife has been measuring my tummy and she's become sidetracked with putting the tape measure away. I've never actually been asked 'do you have any questions or concerns', only told that if I have any questions or concerns to phone the number on the front of my notes, which if the attitude of the pregnancy assessment unit is anything to go by is a pointless exercise as I'll just be told to stop being silly.
I feel that childbirth is one of the most frightening experiences a woman can endure. You have absolutely no control over your body and are completely at the mercy of the midwives and doctors who may or may not be sympathetic to your pregnancy or childbirth experiences. I wanted a sweep on Friday as I'm uncomfortably huge, in pain with my pelvis and desperate for sleep. That sounds an odd thing to say when I remember the sleep deprivation from the first time round with DS but at least when baby's here I can sleep when baby sleeps, and hopefully for more than 30 minutes at a time. I was so upset and fed up on Friday night that I sat in the bath and just cried and cried. I've been of the mindset all weekend that I'm going to refuse a sweep on Wednesday along with any attempt at induction or internal examination and that I'm going to elect for a section at term +14. I know an elective section can be refused but I have reasonable grounds to request one due to the state of my pelvis and the fact that I'm going to be at least 12 days overdue if I'm induced with prostoglandin 48 hours after the hospital's planned procedural sweep. Baby's fine, I'm fine, we're fine. There's no medical reason for an induction next week and if I am 'started off' with prostoglandin I would like to go into hospital for the actual procedure and go home and labour at home. I know the pessary usually takes 6-8 hours to work and that sometimes a second pessary is needed but I see no reason why I shouldn't be allowed to labour at home, or indeed why my midwife couldn't insert the pessary at home a week on Monday.
I'm just fed up and no one seems to care about what's going through my head. The one person I could talk to about things like this, my mum, died last March and I'm left feeling completely isolated and alone, even though I've a supportive partner who tries his best and a sympathetic sister, albeit who lives 150 miles away. I'm just a number on a hospital caseload, not a person with real fears and feelings. I'm a procedure to be managed in line with hospital procedure and my opinions and wishes are irrelevant.
Sorry this post is so long.