Still hasn't sunk in. Worried about not bonding with baby.

[chloemegjess]

So. I am 19 weeks today so nearly half way there. BUT it still hasn't really sunk in and I don't feel at all exciting about the pregnancy. I feel really selfish but I just havn't been looking forward to it (but not dreading it or anything). Just keep forgetting that I am pregnant! This is my second pregnancy, DD is 11 months tomorrow.

I don't really know how I feel. I don't feel that I don't want the baby or anything and I would never want anything to go wrong or to change the fact that I am pregnant. I think it is that I don't feel anything. Not happy, not sad, not anything.

I did have a difficult birth and in some level I think that has something to do with it as it did put me off having another. This baby was concieved when DD was 6 months old, I was breastfeeding day and night AND on mini pill.

The selfish part though is the only time I really think about pregnancy, is thinking about all the weight I am putting on (I was a size 10-12 when I met DH about 4 years ago, I am now a 16-18), thinking about all the extra stretch marks (I have more than I have ever heard of and deep), and the fact that I feel so tired all the time already. On the odd occassion DD wakes up in the night I wonder how the hell I will cope doing it again with a newborn. I also worry for my DD - how she will cope without me during my labour and if I have to be kept in after, getting her used to the new baby etc. And I also keep thinking of the money. I am a new childminder but as I will have 2 under 5s of my own, it doesn't leave much scope for mindees.

Sorry to go on and on....
Has anybody got any advice?

Not quite in your situation but I was also worried last year about bonding with my baby, right up to when I went in for induction. I had a lot of emotional issues last year with losing my mum to cancer when I was 18weeks pg, so that affected me too - I wasn't excited and didn't enjoy being pg.

All I can offer to help is that when DS was born, it was no problem at all. I bonded with him instantly (no massive rush of love, just a hello how nice to see you at last, as though I had known him for ages, which I suppose I had!)

I hope someone can come along with more positive and practical advice for you soon!

i didn't feel i bonded with DS2 before he was born in the same way as I did weird stuff like singing to DS1 in the womb and all those things i felt were essential

i know that in a way i was not allowing myself to bond incase we lost him. we nearly lost DS1 to group b strep and had a tough time then, i think subconsciously i didn't want to bond until DS2 was out and I knew we were getting to keep him.

I know this isn't the same situation as you but i wanted to say that now DS2 is 18m, and we have had no problem bonding and our relationship is fine.

and anyway, isn't the bonding thing just about having the confidence to know that your child loves you back. (just my theory)

I'm in a very similar position, DD 13 months, I'd just gone back to work when I discovered I was pregnant with no2 - although it was planned.

I have flashes of guilt that I rarely think about the new baby, even at the 12 week scan it didn't feel anything like the same as with DD. However, I just think that I'm so rushed off my feet juggling DD, work and feeling grim that it was never going to be the same. My DH says that there just isn't as much to think about this time, we know so much more than we did before.

TBH I never really connected with DD before she was born, I could never imagine her or what it would be like to have a baby. Even when she was born although I was fiercely defensive of her I didn't really fall in love with her until about 3 months, then it was like a lightning strike!

I'm just assuming that when DC2 pops out I'll love him or her just as much as I do his/her sister.

I think alot of what you are feeling is normal.
Even though ds2 was planned, I used to worry about all the same things, I worried i wouldn't bond with him or love him as much as ds1(and many others) I also worried about how i would cope. But you will cope.

You don't mention a dp/dh? Do you have family/friends who will look after dd while have the baby. She will be fine.

I am/was a newish childminder when ds2 was concieved and tbh for the moment I am having a break while the ds's are very little. It means things are a bit tight money wise but there's plenty of time to cm when they are a bit older.

I do have a DH, so that is something.

To be honest, I have had 2 scans so far and didn't feel anything at either. Felt more like I was just looking at somebody elses scan rather than my own. DH was there and getting all excited at seeing the baby and I went along with it but I honestly didn't feel anything.

I also keep expecting something to go wrong, although I did with DD as well.

I have a 21 week scan in 2 weeks so I am hoping when I find out the sex then it might seem a bit more real. Especially if it is a boy as we can get a few blue bits to make it all seem different and new.

I do have people who can look after DD when I have the baby. The only people who I would really leave her with for more than a couple of hours though are my mum and DH. So hoping I can leave DD with my mum and have DH at the birth, or the other way round if needed, depending on at the time. BUT DH And Mum both work, DH doesn't drive and last time I was in labour for 49 hours and then had to stay in for 24 hours (actually longer because they were too short staffed to discharge me). So that is why I am so worried.

I feel similar also im 19+6 weeks my dds arn't that young (7 & 9)

But we have been trying for this baby for over a year with 2 mcs in between, which has been very hard emotionally for us.

I have my 20 weeks scan on wed and im hoping it will make it all feel more real,as even though we really want this baby i think i have detatched myself in case of another mc and now im worried i might not bond with baby.

I have had 2 scans so far as well but its not really helped to be honest, now worrying sick about this scan on weds as well.

chloe, I can only say I feel quite similar and wonder if it's a second baby thing. I feel mildy affectionate but just benign and quite detached towards the baby. Had DS, then 2 MC and I think it might be a natural psychological reaction of not getting too attached unless something goes wrong.

I also think that with the second one you just can't sit around enjoying it all so much, other people don't make such a fuss of you and you're busy looking after the first one, so the pregnancy seems to pass more quickly, uneventfully and no one seems that bothered...

so can't offer any advice except to say it sounds like how I feel and is probably just a natural reaction; nothing to do with how much you'll love it once it's here!

I'm 10 weeks pg with dc2, and have honestly hardly thought about being pg at all. Ds keeps me so busy that I only remember I'm pg when I'm feeling sick.

I did feel pleased to see the baby on my scan, but I'm more relaxed this time round because it's not new.

I think if you search the posts on here you will feel a lot better. I for one rememebr starting a thread on this when I was PG with DD2. I just was not really 'interested' Yes, I was pregnant, yes it was lovely, but I had DD1 to deal with and she was there and therefore real.

However, I bonded instantly with DD2, which I didn't with DD1 and was just bowled over with the emotion when I had them both in the room together for the first time.

Here
I namechanged but I now know it was nothign to worry about so am happy to out myself to make you feel better, hth

our DC3 was very planned (assisted conception) so it wasn't a shock to be pregnant, but I was miserable the entire pregnancy, I ended up with bad SPD which put me on crutches, I wasn't sleeping and TBH although I didn't wan't anything to happen to my baby, at 33 weeks if you could have told me that I could have just walked away from the pregnancy I would have.

We paid for a 4D scan found out it was a little boy, went shopping for him, and even in Labour it just didn't feel right.

It wasn't until they transfered me from the induction ward (they induced me at 37wks as the SPD was so bad) and they opened the door to the room and I saw the little plastic cot sitting, and I started to wail and it was at that point that it hit me that we were going to leave that room at some point with a baby in that cot, I cried and cried and cried.

Labour was a very very quick process with 2 hours from ARM to holding him - I was standing with my midwife having a chat with another midwife and had to yell "He is coming NOW" and be hauled onto the bed to deliver him, he was showing signs of distress which I had gotten really freaked at with DD (DC2) which still didn't really get me into the "mummy" mode they delivered him straight onto me - I had no idea he was acutally out, and to be honest I recoiled in horror, and poked at him and said "hello you" and that was it - it finally was there and I knew it was going to be ok.

They took him to the special care unit, I got cleaned up and went up to try and feed him, sitting with him skin to skin, was an amazing experience, I finally fell in love with him, and now 2 years on, he is the sweetest most mummys child I have ever met

sorry this got so long - just wanted to share that it can just take a while, but hopefully it will fall into place for you and your LO too

Thank you everybody for being so nice :-)