How to tell TTC friends that I'm expecting?

[rachels103]

I'm 10 wks pregnant or thereabouts, and soon, all being well, I'm going to have to break the news to 2 close friends who I know have been TTC for a long time. I want to be sensitive about it and wondered if anyone who has been in the same situation on either side could help.

In our group of 6 with first dc the same age, one now has her second, 2 are expecting in Jan and the other 2 have been TTC again for nearly 2 years. Both have had mcs.
The one who I'm closest to knows that we haven't been trying and had no plans for another due to dh changing career and financial instability. We only decided to stop actively trying not to conceive 3 months ago and fell pg almost straight away. I know it's a bit crazy but I feel guilty that it's been so easy for us. Hope I'm not tempting fate by posting this before clearing the 12 wk milestone.

I was only TTC for a year with DS2, and a lot of people got pg while I was trying. I started to find it quite hard. I think for me personally getting a text was the easiest way because I could then get my head around it before I had to see the person and give them my congratulation.

I'm sure others will have better advice.

congratulations BTW

Thanks. I thought a text might be a bit impersonal but I see what you mean. Maybe easier than face to face.

i hate being patronised. i am happy when friends get pregnant and yes a part of me does feel abit of a stab but it is MUCH worse is someone is apologetic or freakish about it. just tell them and let them deal with it in their own way.

and congratulations!

Hi, It took me a while to concieve and in that time the longer time went on the more upset I would get when I found out someone was pregnant. I would always try and hide it and then ball to other half in private. I don't think there's any way of making it easier for your friends as they will probably be upset but I suppose the best thing you can do is not get hurt or upset if there reaction isn't all together positive. I agree with Goat though it is worse to get an apologetic announcement as you really have nothing to feel sorry about. Also, Congratulations!

I've been in this situation twice and all being well (from my point of view) will shortly be again. I told them by phone as nicely as possible but straight to the point. Then I gave them some space and let them come to terms with it. Try not to make a lot of the fact it was so easy.

However you do it they will feel hurt, jealous, resentful - you can't stop that by over-apologising or worrying about it. Just be as sensitive as you can and let them take the lead in dealing with it afterwards. Don't avoid them though or you'll make it more of an issue.

By the way my friends don;t live anywhere near me hence the 'by phone' bit! If I lived near them I may have preferred to do it in person.

I had this when I got pg with DD2 - I bottled it and told her on the phone. However, I could tell that when she hung up the phone she was off for a good cry, so maybe it was better I wasn't there in person??? Anyway, she has since had a lovely ds, but didn't want to see me at all when I was pg which I respected.

I've been on both sides of this, and ime it's better to tell them face-to-face, and preferably before you tell the other friends.

I think best to tell them by email or maybe text, so they can come to terms with it and then congratulate you and mean it when they see you next. Having been on the receiving end of pregnancy announcements far too often recently, I do appreciate a little time to get a grip and then be really pleased for them when I see them next.

And, one more thing, (although I'm sure you won't as you seem empathetic around this topic) please don't tell them you weren't really trying. Or that you got lucky first/second/third month of trying. People who do this are really annoying and very insensitive. I'm all for being pleased when people have another baby, but when I've just had a failed IVF cycle and someone says they weren't even trying and gosh, they must just be so fertile, well, it can grate a little.

was in this situation yesterday, from the other side of the fence, had mc in sept been ttc x2 cycles since then. Friend came round to share her happy news. have spent all of today sobbing.

I knew she'd earmarked tuesday pm to "deliver the news" I've suspected it for a couple of weeks that she's been deliberating how to do this. She knows about mc, she was very lovely and sensitive.

but I can't help wanting to move away just now so i don't have to see pg friends ever again. This is how they will feel, they will feel better eventually but be mindful it will be hard and they may avoid you for a bit.

Congratulations btw!!

Congratulations!

I guess everyone is different and only you know what you think will be best for your friends...email, text, phone or face to face. I think you might deal with it slightly differently with different people, too. Some people might like it if you say "Hope this doesn't upset you" whereas others would hate it... When I was TTC and people kept telling me their good news, I felt kind of annoyed that they didn't always acknowledge my troubles - but then, why should they? I understand it must have been awkward for them.

I did have one person I was slightly worried about telling when I finally fell pregnant recently but it was fine. I think it's nice that you're thinking about it and your friends will know that.

peacelily, sorry about your mc and that you've been crying... I had my mc in June 2007. It took me longer to fall pregnant for various reasons, (such as living in a different town to hubby for 6 months!) but many people do get pregnant again really quickly. There's no reason to think you won't be one of them.

xx

I'd agree with so many of these posts. Have been on either side of this and when TTC and having fertility treatment I personally preferred it when people just came out with their news rather than making an issue out of it. I was always genuinely pleased for them but mostly had a good howl when I was on my own and then was fine.

On the other side of things, I think so much depends on how your friends happen to be feeling at the time you tell them that really there isn't a perfect way or time to tell them as it's such a personal thing.

I have done it by email/in person depending on circumstance and said friends were ok, some wanted a bit of space which I respected.

I also had to tell a friend (who is also a work colleague) last night who I work with that I am pregant with twins (we have both been having the same treatment under the same consultant). I had spent weeks worrying about how to break the news to her and wanted to do it before I tell our boss today. Anyway, to cut a long story short I ended up having to phone her and she was just really annoyed that I hadn't told her sooner. (had 12 week scan 2 days ago).

I appreciate that she was going to be upset but really when you decide to tell people is entirely your business and having tried to be sensitive to her situation I'm now really upset and feel really guilty.

Good luck with your announcements

I'd tell her face to face, on her own and before you tell the others I think.
I did this with my friend who had just lost a baby when I fell pg with DS1. I just said 'I wanted to tell you first...' and then told her.
I think she appreciated the time to take it in and compose herself before our other friends found out.

One of my closest friend has been TTC for the past 5 years, she had 5 IVF and 1 ectopic pregnancy
We did not know about it until a few months ago, we'd already started trying by then (she did not know we were trying).

I wanted to tell her about my pregnancy face to face on her own but it just didn't work out that way and we ended up telling her with our closest family (parents/siblings and her mother who is my dh's godmother.)
I was worried and she was definitely going to be the first one to know, but also figured it would be worse to make a fuss about it. She seemed genuinely happy.
She has come round ours since and her behaviour towards me has not changed as far as I can tell. I am aware that it is probably hurtful for her.

I always prefer to hear it not face to face, so I can make the right noises at the time, have a good cry then come to terms with it and plan how I'm going to be the next time.

Worst was when I heard about one friend, felt devastated, cried and ranted at another friend on the phone for a good hour and felt much better for it. The next time I saw the second friend, she said "I've got something to tell you"...then burst into tears as was pg herself.

I felt the lowest of the low! Luckily she has forgiven me....

Now I am pg, I told other friends by text who I know are trying, and kept it quite neutral. Def don't be too apologetic about it though, as then the non-pg person feels even more horrible if they are struggling with it. I always felt ashamed of how I felt but couldn't help it.

hmm - face to face would be better
I found it relly difficult to tell my sister for variuos reasons - i knew she would be happy for me but at the same time i knew she would be upset about her circumstances.

So i broke it gently to her.. first i started saying how i was feeling nauseas and tired
then after a while i mentioned in passing that period still hadnt arrived - in the end she suggested i do a pregancy test and thats how i told her.. i told her i was about to do it and i would tell her the results... i guess she felt more a part of it this way

Thanks for all advice, I think my closer friend of the two I will tell face to face but the other one, who has only recently had v. upsetting mc and who is quite a 'closed' person might be better by text.
Good luck to all of you who are TTC and thanks for taking the time to give your POV too.