Five months pg and marriage going downhill

[Cherrybaby]

Hi everyone,
This is going to be quite long and advice will be very much appreciated.
I'm five months pregnant, and my moods are getting progressively worse day by day. Prime example, the past weekend I have spent in silence with hubby because he joked (on two occasions) and it angered and upset me. I burst into tears and he ran away, leaving his breakfast untouched. This resulted in me going about my day in complete silence, having people over for dinner on saturday in which I ignored him, and driving to his brother's house on sunday for dinner, in complete silence also. Whilst we were there, I ignored him. His sister commented on how quiet and drained he was looking, and he mumbled some excuse about long working hours.
Which brings me to another sore point; I feel as though I'm not getting enough "alone time" with him. He does work long hours (property development), and the rest of the time we do tend to spend alot around his family (as my family live far away and his are all close by). I am beginning to resent their presence in our life, and I feel jealous when he spends time with them, or when he appears to be enjoying their company. I wish I could spend more time with my family too, but its not possible because of the distance, and I really miss them. We both do come from really tightly knit families.
Sometimes I feel as though I got pregnant too young. we only got married five months ago, (im 24, he's 31), and then straightaway I got pregnant. On the other hand, I've always wanted to be a young mum, and we've had a very secure relationship for the past five years, in which we both were eager to start a family.We are both very excited about our first baby, but sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by the whole marriage/mum-to-be thing. I'm training to teach in Primary education,which means I spend 2/3 nights away from home as the uni is in another city, and sometimes it feels as though Im living two seperate lives.

Last night, we had a big conversation about all of this, and he said he feels miserable and down, and he feels uncomfortable and scared to speak around me . He said he's trying so hard, he never goes out with his friends (which is true) because he gives me all his free time, or he is "at home". The conversation ended without finding any real solutions. I felt angry about this, so I went to my side of the bed, and kicked his legs out of the way. Then I asked him to rub my back because it was hurting, and he rubbed it so gently and so lovingly, I wanted to burst into tears (again) but I just lay there, unable to speak, because the horror of what I am becoming hit home.
Has anyone else turned into a nightmare bitch, losing control of her life and self, emotions?

Tbh, you do sound like hard work.

Read it back to yourself and think about your poor DH and how he must be feeling.

You need to allow him some space and for him to go out if he wants to and maybe you could invite some of your family down to see you.

Start dating him again and remember why you fell in love in the first place. It sounds like he loves you very much but you will not allow yourself to be loved.

Pregnancy is hard work and emotions and hormones are all over the place but I do feel for your DH.

Your marriage does not sound like it is falling apart but you need to make time for him to be with friends, to be together and for you to see your family.

HI Cherrybaby

I am currently ttc #2, am in a new marriage and life does take its toll.

When i was pg with my dd it was an emotional time and my husband would play golf, go abroad for work and it is very lonely. which makes us pg girls worse.

Now i have learnt from all that and my new DH (only been married 8months) have date nights.

I know it sounds silly but once you get into it it can break the cycle of the moods.

The date night rules go like this.
(You have to go first to get it going)

1. You have to ring your DH at the appropriate time and 'ask him out on a date within the next few days' (obviously do this when you know you will both be free)

1. Explain that you think it would be nice to spend an evening on an old fashioned date.

(from how you described his loving attention he is obviously loving and willing to understand your emotions are all over the place)

1. Make an effort, paint your nails, etc really its whatever you used to do.

1. At the end of the night say thanks for a lovely evening and hope to see you soon.

We always find this amusing as obviously walk into house together.

It sometimes is just a rut of emotions and once you have pulled yourself out of it your general mood with him will change.

Hi Cherrybaby, sorry you're having a tough time.

Do you think you could have ante-natal depression? What you're going through does sound a bit more extreme than the usual pregnancy blues. Could you have a chat with your GP or midwife?

It sounds like you're going through a rough patch. Marriage is a huge adjustment - whether you've been together for years or just met - add the stress of a pregnancy and you realize that you've got a lot going on and your life has changed dramatically in a short period of time.

My DH and I went through a really rough time and found that counselling really helped. It was great to be able to talk to someone completely unrelated to us or our relationship. Someone who wasn't going to judge and who would remain completely impartial. She didn't give us answers (going in I was expecting her to say He's right or You're right, which was totally not what happened!) but gave us tools to work through our problems.

It really sounds like your DH wants to be everything you want him to be - but he can't be a mind reader, you need to tell him what you're expecting from him and he needs to tell you if he can meet those expectations. You sound like you're overwhelmed which is totally understandable but try to remember that you're in this together, you don't have to do it all alone.

I too am far away from my family and close to DH's - it's really really hard and I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it's been nearly 5 years for me and I still find it really difficult. Is there any way you can visit with your family or have them visit you?

Best of luck! Marriage takes lots of hard work, but it's totally worth it!

Thanks to everyone who've replied so far -

Megbusset- I know it's not anti-natal depression because I dont have the major symptoms, such as loss of interest in usual activities/extreme tiredness/agorophobia or other psycho-social difficulties, or changes in diet.
Date nights sound like a good idea. I'm going to try that.
Lastboxoftampons - I'm not sure about counselling, but inviting family down sounds like a good idea too. Maybe I need to start doing that.

yup would just add that it sounds like overall you both want to be together and are just finding it harder just now than normal - rather than that one of you wants to be elsewhere so keep that in your head always - it may be really hard just now - and it sounds like things are tough, but ultimately you want to be together, with your baby, and so you need to find a way that both of you can be happy as well.

I find the little niggly fights are the worst cause they turn into big fights so easily when they are not always necessary - sounds like what you said in your post needs to be said to your dh though to let him know how much you want to be nicer to him, but find a few things difficult just now.

It might help too to know that you are not alone. My poor DH has put up with an enormous amount over the past few months. One day I am excited about something like buying our first babygro and expect him to be as excited. Then the next day I am in tears wondering about how hard our new life is going to be.

I have tried, on the good days to explain that my hormones are all over the place and that its a huge adjustment for me. I have also acknowledged (again, on the good days when not in a 'mood') that things must be hard for DH too because its just as new for him.

Last week I made him lunch to take to work and put a little note in there saying that I appreciate how much he is looking after me in pregnancy and that although I may be painful at times, there is no one else but him that I would want to be experiencing this with. He said it made his day.

Good Luck.

I felt like this with my last pg and me and dp were very close to splitting up. He is a property developer (which in itself is a 24hr job phone constantly ringing)and i was at college,i cant explain why i felt like this i think it was just my hormones.
I could not look or speak to dp and he could do no right.
It took my friend to point out to me that i was being silly and just sit him down and basically say " hun im really sorry i dont know why im being like this,everthing is just a little overwhelming at the min please bear with me" he gave me the biggest hug and told me he thought i had changed my mind about the baby. That was 8 yrs ago and we have been great ever since, im pg again 18 weeks and we truely have a fantastic relationship but i have had a few irrational moments but i do know now that it is my hormones and it does pass I hope you get everything sorted soon x

Broodymom - YES! His phone was constantly ringing! But when he realised that it was annoying me so much, he began to put his phone on silent as soon as he got home. (if its not one thing, its another, he says now).
I can't believe that you couldn't look or speak to your dp and that he could do no right - it sounds absolutely awful, but I know exactly what you mean because its how I feel. But I love him so much, and inside I feel ashamed to be feeling like this. Theres no question that I want to do this with him and no other.
It helps to know that I'm not some kind of lone psycho, and that other women have been through this too!

I have experienced feeling like this and treating my husband badly. I felt awful about it afterwards.

I found actually apologising to him and saying how terrible I feel about treating him that way when he is so wonderful (basically everything you have said on this forum) really helped our relationship. It also helped me to slow down and think before I lashed out (since the memory of his face and voice when he admitted how bad I made him feel and how hard it was to apologise was seared in my mind).

Another tactic is to tell him that something "upsets" you rather than makes you "angry." Sometimes people are more open to hearing that their behaviour is upsetting, and thus willing to change, than if you just say that what they do is upsetting.

I read somewhere on MN that when you are pregnant your DH becomes simultaneously the most irritating and the most wanted/necessary person in the world to you - I think that is so true! Pregnancy sends your hormones doolally and normally rational and reasonable women becoming screaming harridans. My poor DH came home to find me blubbing uncontrollably into some soup I was making because I had forgotten the coriander. This is not me. He has also had to deal with me switching from being totally loved up with him to being really really angry for no good reason - the other day he didn't put the bins out immediately I asked him and I threw a hissy fit. This is not me either!!! I think you are being a bit hard on yourself (being pg is not much fun as far as I'm concerned), but also hard on your DH as well... spending more time with your family would definitely help I reckon and talking to your DH about how you are feeling (in a calm, rational moment!) would be good as well. If he knows that you recognise that you are being unreasonable, that it is the hormones and that you need him more than ever will probably help both of you to deal with it.

Good luck x

Cherrybaby you are not alone and deff not a psycho hun.
I totally agree what chaya and bicnod say, apologising and explaining how you feel does really help, and if he knows that you recognise you are being unreasonable and it is your hormones it wont be long till you are having a giggle about it all.
When i go off in one sometimes i cant help laughing at myself coz i know how silly im being x

Hi Cherrybaby,
Your post could have been me a few months ago. My hormones were CRAZY in the first few months. I'm now nearly 8 months pg and things really have got a lot better.
I sat my OH down and said the following:

1. I know i'm being irrational - but I can't help it, please bear with me, I don't enjoy being like this
2. its not forever, we've just got to get through this hormonal stage. I know I'm moody and irritable but it's not you, its me. So please can you try not to react when I'm like this and cut me a bit of slack.

He was fine after that, I think they worry that the old 'you' has been replaced by a crying, moaning, moody, fat and depressed woman and that they old you will never return. Reassure him that as soon as the baby has born and you've both recovered you will start to resemble the person he married again.

As the others have said 'date nights' really do help. We have started cutting out the 2 for 1 vouchers for ask/pizza express etc and going out midweek for a pizza and a glass of wine (just the one for me mind!) and we talk just like we used to. He always tells me how much he enjoys these nights and we make a vow to do them again very soon.

HTH! Good luck

A slightly different perspective - are you sure this is just you? Property development can't be much fun at the moment and your OH is probably under quite a lot of stress. Is it possible that this lack of communication is because he has stuff on his mind that he doesn't want to burden you with? I can spot the signs now if my OH is stressed, but it took me a long time.