DP doesn't seem particularly interested in pregnancy :(

[emma2617]

I know that sounds bad...and he is happy, buying little baby clothes and telling poeple he is having alittle boy etc, but I don't feel he is particularly interested in the actual pregnancy.

Whenever I say I am tired, or that I need to eat, or that baby is kicking me, or I have bad indigestion/trapped wind he barely acknowledges that I have spoken. I will be 23 weeks tomorrow and I have started to feel kicks from the outside, so last night I got DPs hand and put it where baby was kicking and was saying "did you feel that?", he didnt, but he didnt even seem disappointed and just gave up.

In the early days he said he was struggling to be involved but would probably find it easier when baby started kicking and I got a bump...well I still dont have a bump and he doesnt seem ti be interested in baby kicking.

I live 40 miles away from my family and have no friends where I live and I just feel like I am going through this alone...I already feel like Ive been pregnant forever and Im only just over half way through!

Does anyone know any good ways to get DP interested...or am I just going to have to lump it until either he get interested of his own accord or baby comes and all his attention goes that way...I guess Im just feeling a little like an incubator right now!

Emma my dh is the same. He wouldn't know due date, what week I am up to, or how I am feeling if you offered him money to tell him. He was the same with my first ds, I think it isn't "happening" to him in the same way and until baby is here it isn't really "real" At least that is what I tell myself and he loves ds to bits so is more involved now as a parent than when either baby is on the inside.

You will probably find the bigger you get the more involved your Dp gets. I think Men find it hard to imagine whats going on if they cant actually see it if you know what i mean.

My Dfs a useless git when it comes to it too, you have my sympathy there, He'll do all the right things like let me lay in and bring me my sick bucket but i asked him to take a picture of my bump the other day and he couldnt be arsed, men just dont get it atall ((hugs))

A lot of men struggle with the first weeks of pregnancy, especially when there is no outward sign. It is difficult for them when there is no bump but their partner is suddenly so occupied with the whole pregnancy.

I think that we do become a wee bit obsessed (which is natural and normal) and comment on every little twinge and change. For him, you look the same as you always have even though you are experiencing lots of changes inside.

I don't know if you can get him to be more interested. Does he go to the check ups with you? Has he seen a scan? That often makes the baby seem real to men, the scan and hearing the bumpitybump of the heartbeat.

Mine was like this. I just think it can be a bit wierd because it isn't happening to them and they are not sure how to show any interest. I just don't think men are programmed to pretend to be interested in order to be polite!

He will be excited to feel that first kick though. It might be a bit further on before they are as spectacular from the outside as they feel inside. I can remember my husband getting fed up with being asked to feel because it inevitably stopped by the time he put his hand there or you couldn't feel from the outside what you could from the inside.

thinking of that first heartbeat that I heard when pregnant with DD

My DH was a bit like this but in a way I could understand it. I find it hard to really know how ill he feels when he has a cold for example, and I have obviously experienced a cold.

He did get better as kicking became hard to miss and he could see me getting bigger and bigger.

It also helped to focus his mind when he realised in not too long a time he would have to help me give birth to this baby!

At the moment I imagine that the baby is your whole focus and understandably so and I know it feels disappointing and a bit hurtful. I just decided that I felt sorry for my DH cos he couldn't get as involved and I wouldn't have liked to miss all those little moments.

Now our DD is here he is wonderful with her and much more interested in what she has been up to while he was out etc etc. I have to say I still think I am more 'interested' than he is. Men ime tend to take more interest when the babies start talking and getting more personality.

If you are feeling ill though and need a bit of extra support I would have a word though because they don't tend to think you need any special treatment as you are 'only' pregnant!

Worsel He is quite good at fetching me anything I may need, and even helping me out of the bath but every few weeks he will throw it back in my face using the "youre pregnant not ill" line!

MmeLindt He has been to both scans and sat through the midwife appointment that I had at the 20 week scan, but we have never heard the heartbeat at either scan, I dont know if that would have made a difference!

fizzpops totally agree with "only" pregnant! He keeps saying, for gods sake, you pregnant not ill...if i need pulling off the sofa as my back is really bad now, or if i need a nap!

I guess I am a little obsessed...I have always wanted kids, for as long as I can remember, this is my first child and I have all the books, we have pram and furniture already and I keep asking him which curtains he likes etc and debating bottle vs breast etc. I just really hope he gets a little more interested for ante-natal classes which we will be doing in January, as I really dont fancy the lack of support i will inevitable get if he doesnt pay attention!!

I think it may be made a little worse as I studied medicine for 3 years, so he tends to assume that I shoul dhave expected all of the niggles and twinges and therefore prepared myself! Why cant men get pregnant too!!

Another thing to consider is that some people (myself included) like to plan ahead. When I finally got pregnant I got a few books that I pored over, I researched which pram/cot/dummy/blanket... to buy. Just as well we did not have internet back then on I would have been online all day finding things to think about.

My DH is the opposite, he cannot understand why I get so caught up in planning something (I am the same when we go on holiday, spend hours searching for restaurants, cafes, museums online before we go).

Maybe he is just feeling a bit neglected while you are doing all your nesting. I am not saying that you are wrong to be so interested (see, did not say obsessed ) but that he just does not get it.

It might be that you just have to do the decision making without him, I have got used to the fact that, for instance, if I decide if the DCs need a new bed, I research what I want for them and where to buy and then tell him that I have ordered it. He just is not involved in the details of our everyday life.

DH was crazy to have children, pestered me for seven years, got very depressed when other people had them. Finally last year I decided to put him out of his misery and on the first attempt we got DD.

That man did not give a hoot the entire time! 24 hours after me waving the stick in his face he was back to normal whereas I was totally obsessed. I remember asking him how often he thought about it during the day at work and he looked at me blankly and said 'never' as if I was mad! He also got very bored with waiting for DD to move and I don't think he ever waited long enough to feel her.

But, he absolutely adores her now and is a wonderful hands on father. Men just don't get it until the baby is sitting in front of them. I didn't realise that and I thought he was weird but it's totally normal and isn't any indication of how they will be once the baby is here.

I dont think you wil find many men who are interested in nursery curtains

Im so glad its not just me! None of my friends have had babies so I have no point of reference...apart from the wise mumsnetters! I am pretty sure he will be a fab dad as he has 3 nephews who he is great with (despite having never changed a nappy!!) but as time goes on and he isnt showing interest, I cant help but become a tad deflated...even my sister is more excited and interested!!! 17 weeks to go...then hopefully he will be a changed man!

worsel I am a complete planning freak...we got pregnant about 2 weeks after i had the implant removed but of course I had ovulation sticks, thermometer the whole shabang! Then I did a test with every brand of HPT! Then I started researching prams/cots/matresses/breast feeding, I look at foetal development websites everyday and tell DP what ive learnt...maybe I should stop, or at least tone it down!!

There is another possibility that might fit here: guilt - when you're suffering and telling him so, he might be hearing it as "You've done this to me, you've made me get heartburn, backache etc." And then he doesn't know what to say so he backs off and says nothing and disengages. I think it's a fairly common way of handling negative emotions.

It doesn't matter that you're not trying to make him feel guilty, (he's probably not really conscious of guilt feelings apart from anything else) but he probably feels bad he can't go through it for you - I know my DH has grown up with a very traditional sense of male responsibility, and feels this way sometimes,

(It doesn't help that I often make unhelpful comments such as "You're having the next one." Or "You're the bloody physicist, can't you make time go faster?" )

oh dear mrsgboring I have been known on occasion to say things such as "you did this to me" but he usually responds with "it takes 2 to tango" so I just assumed all was okay and he took it how it was intended...as a joke! So maybe I have to stop that too!!

This is seeming more and more like my fault...ooops!

dd's dad was interested but no where near as interested as me when I was pregnant, and the thing is from the minute I was pregnant I was obsessed, talking about prams etc, and I think he felt I took over the whole thing and did not really include him in desicisions about what I wanted to buy etc.

I think the thing is you feel different but they will not feel different untill the baby actually pops out.

DD's dad is a good dad now and loves her like crazy so do not worry that he wont....

Also you are probably being way too oversensitive as you are pregnant and have all those crazy hormones, I was completely crazy and up and down all the time. But hey you are entitled to be as crazy as you want as you are doing something amazing and bringing a baby into this world.... x x

It doesn't make it your fault, Emma, but it might have a bearing.

You are entitled to do pretty much what you want when you are pregnant. But then your DH is entitled to say "You are crazy when you're pregnant," and respond with utter bafflement to your most innocent request for fried salami for tea....

i got quite depressed during my pregnancy, my DP just was not interested in talking about the pregnancy at all, when i felt ill he used to roll his eyes at me. He even went abroad 2 weeks before i was due for a fishing trip in france for a whole week and could not understand why it bothered me. We argued about it a lot as i felt totally alone during the pregnancy, so much so that i considered leaving more than once

BUT

He was amazing during my traumatic labour and birth, i dont know what i would have done without him at all, and now she is the apple of his eye.

Some men just dont get the whole pregnancy thing, after all, theres nothing happening to them is there?

Being pregnant is only really that interesting to you. To everyone else pregnant women - especially pregnant partners! - are just more moany, less fun and much fatter! I know I wan't exactly the best person to be around when I am pregnant.

I think most men see it as a means to an end that has to happen and a not very exciting one at that. In my experience, men like children, not pregnancy (why would they? I mean really, what is there to like?) and most of them aren't even that fussed about little babies!

My life got a LOT easier when I accepted that DP was not going to get excited over baby furniture, clothes, furnishings, pretty little baby shoes etc etc.

He is a wonderful father to our DD but still has no interest in that sort of stuff, it's just not how most men are wired.

rarebreed im glad your DP was supportive at labour...i think I iwll be okay with all this if he is good at the birth!!

Okay, so it seems to be a case of pull yourself together and stop being so sensitive!! I can do that!! We have been arguing a bit aswell which I guess made me a little more anxious about his lack of interest, but as it seem pretty normal I should really stop worrying!

It helped me that I know my DH was like this about a lot of other things. I organise holidays for example and love to plan well in advance and find out everything about where we are going. He on the other hand is just not interested until about two weeks before.... I have got used to it.

Don't think you are being too sensitive - makes perfect sense to me that you are excited and want him to be too, but then I am not an expectant father!

My dh was rubbish when I was pregnant with dd. He didn't want to feel thebaby move, wouldn't come to any parenting classes and didn't really speak about it!!!!!

I was quite worried about it - thinking - what on earth have I done?? I was also really poorly throughout with vomiting and had a couple of tightning scares - dh was really not that understanding.

At the delivery - he was a bit better - infact he touched her head as i was pushing her out and then cut the cord.

He got better and more inteerested as time when on. She's now 22 months and he absolutely adores her, even has a tear in his eye when he speaks about her. He now works part time so he can spend more time with her!!!!!! They shoot off on little adventures when I'm working.

When we speak about how rubbish he was at the beginning - he does says that he felt really scared about the whole responsibility of being a dad and having a new baby.

I'm pregnant again with no 2. Dh is really excited about it.

emma - I was arguing alot when I was pregnant as well which was also normal for us, but it really made me feel terrible.

I think the best thing to do is let your guard down and tell him how you fell, that you cannot handle all the arguing at the moment and you both need to make more of an effort. And you feel every emotional. Then hopfully he will be more supporive...