Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

worried about an abortion

37 replies

mummo · 04/11/2008 18:37

about 14 weeks pregnant. found out that the baby has a genetic defect. not severe,but would "stand out in a crowd".will also lead a life of pain and require multiple surgeries. have a beautiful and healthy 19 month old.hubbby and i both want to terminate, for all our sakes.am really worried about my feelings after. have any of you been through this and what was your reaction? lots of support from my husband whatever decision i make. seeing docs in genetics tomorrow who are trying to give me all the medical options that are present if we do go ahead.
help please!

OP posts:

lljkk · 04/11/2008 18:38

Oh crikey, you are gonna get slaughtered.

objectivityislivid · 04/11/2008 18:40

That's helpful

No advice; not been there but I hope you can make the right choice and be at peace with that whatever happens in the end.

jabberwocky · 04/11/2008 18:45

I am so sorry. What an awful decision. I know there's at least one MNer who had a termination for genetic reasons but can't remember who. I'm sure there are others who could help as well. FWIW, I had an abortion at age 18. No abnormalities that I know of just an unplanned pregnancy and not good circumstances at the time. It was a very sad and difficult experience but I have always known that it was the right thing for me at the time.

I was 41 when I got pg with ds2. We had amniocentesis and a lot of discussion about what we would do if results showed a defect. Having ds1 was a big factor and knowing that a special needs child would impact him as well.

My heart goes out to you.

solidgoldbrass · 04/11/2008 18:46

ONly you can make this decision, because you are the one who will be living with it. Much sympathy to you, this is a horrible thing to have to go through. All I can really suggest is that you get as much information as possible about the likely outcomes ie might the foetus have the syndrome/problem to a greater or lesser degree (different appearance, slightly slower learning but not need constant surgery or suffer severe pain) - the more information you have, the better placed you are to make a decision you can live with.

Rubysmom08 · 04/11/2008 18:51

mummo terrible decision for you and your family. Hands up, I couldn't make it so this why we did not have any tests with dd1 and this current pregnancy.
We are strong believers that if you are given a child with 'special needs' then you have been chosen because of your strength. But then it is only our opinion and would not ever look poorly at someone in your situation, because how could we possibly know how we would react.

If you have decided to take that path then make sure you get the right support.

Thinking of you and you have to do what is right for you x

nickytwotimes · 04/11/2008 18:51

for you, mummo. A very tough decision to make.
Sorry I can't offer any advice. I had an abortion at 7 weeks when I was 21 - unplannned pregnancy and mental health issues. A totally different situation I know. It is a hard thing to go through. I hope yo uare able to make a decision you can all be okay with.

mrsboogie · 04/11/2008 18:53

There should be some form of counseling available to you which will help you to consider the issues before going ahead. Ask the genetics dos of they can advise about this. What does your gut instinct tell you you should do?

I really feel for you.

Ginge28 · 04/11/2008 18:53

Just ignore llijkk really horrid. I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I've not been through such a thing myself so really can't speak from experience. All I can tell you is my job is working with children who were born with or have through the course of their life become disabled and if I was to find myself in your situation I wouldn't think twice about having an abortion. It's a decision that only you and your partner can make my sweet. But the decision has to be what is right for you and your family and no one else!!!!!!! Sorry I can't be any help to you I really wish I could! Take care of yourself!!!xxxxxxx

Original poster

mummo · 04/11/2008 19:01

thank u all so far! not sure what llijkk meant!i was certain from the start that i wanted to end it.did not mention that i have a similar condition and know what the future holds for the baby.there was no family history and i was told that these gentic diorders have to start somewhere,like in my case. my daughter was also tested antenatallt and did not have the defect,which we were so grateful for. now that i have passed it on to my unborn son,i dont want him to have to go through all the pain and stares. i really dont! also if i end this pregnancy then the defect ends with me too and cannot be passed on to future generations. the condition is worse in boys.

OP posts:

BabyBaby123 · 04/11/2008 19:14

how horrible of you lljkk

BabyBaby123 · 04/11/2008 19:16

just wanted to add, i have terminated, much earlier than you and not for the same reasons but I am not racked with guilt over my decision because I knew it was the right thing for me (and my partner) at the time. You have to do what you feel is right for all of you - and if you feel a termination is preferable than your child living a lifetime with a condition which will severley effect his quality of life then it is your decision as a mother to to what you think is best for all (including your baby)

What is the condition? Do you mind me asking?

needmorecoffee · 04/11/2008 19:17

what condition? Ignore stares, dd gets stared at cos of her disability. Sod them. She has many surgeries but is a happy part of my family.

WorzselMummage · 04/11/2008 19:17

Mummo if you pop in to the Miscarriage forum on here you might find more support ?

Sorry your going though this, it must be very, very hard

Original poster

mummo · 04/11/2008 19:21

short stature that borders on dwarfism with deformed limbs.can affect all limbs and spine. i am very little and have tiny forearms. was easier being girl. hate to think of all the teasing and bullying tha he will face in school. i did.

OP posts:

needmorecoffee · 04/11/2008 19:23

I'm sorry, but you posted on a public forum so not everyone is going to agree with you.
I'd be laughing if dd's disability was that minor. I don't know how you could consider a termination to be hoenst.

Original poster

mummo · 04/11/2008 19:31

thank you needmorecoffee. its what i need to hear and i appreciate your honesty. its only having been through it all myself.................i am not disabled, but have faced much cruelty because of my appearance.how can i put my child through it too?

OP posts:

needmorecoffee · 04/11/2008 19:33

Ginge 'All I can tell you is my job is working with children who were born with or have through the course of their life become disabled and if I was to find myself in your situation I wouldn't think twice about having an abortion.'

I hope you are not working anywhere near my dd if that is your opinion of disabled poeple. sheesh.

mabanana · 04/11/2008 19:36

It has to be your decision. Have you been offered any counselling? these people might be able to help
I'm sorry you've had sad news.

needmorecoffee · 04/11/2008 19:37

I don't know what to say mummo. I am disabled, my dd is disabled. The problem lies with fuckwits who call names and there's no way societies attitudes would make me terminate a disabled child. My dd is severe. She cannot walk or talk or feed herself and never will. But she is a human being and as worthwhile as any other.
Obviously you've posted here so are going to get opinions so here's mine. I think its wrong to terminate for disability, especially such a mild one. I think its wrong to let disablist attitudes make up your mind for you. Your child will be happy. Gosh, to me, any disability where the brain isn't damaged like my dd's seems mild.
Thats all.

melmamof3 · 04/11/2008 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyBaby123 · 04/11/2008 20:06

I don't think Ginge is being horrible - she is being realistic and is entitled to her opinion

solidgoldbrass · 04/11/2008 20:20

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but only the OP can make the decision. Only she knows what she and her existing family can cope with. Mummo I do hope you get some support/counselling, as much as you need, whatever you decide to do, and send you much sympathy.

wannaBe · 04/11/2008 20:20

Mummo you say that you don't consider yourself to be disabled but that it's an appearance issue and you are going to terminate because you don't want your child to be bullied?

Tbh I think that you will only accept your child's disability when you have learned to accept your own, and from what you've written here it sounds as if you have not accepted your own disability so can therefore not see beyond that to accept that your child has the same condition.

I think that you would benefit from some counselling, not to help you have a termination, but to help you to look more positively at yourself and your life, which in turn I think would help you look more positively at this pregnancy and at the future child you are carrying.

If you have had it hard with your own condition then it goes without saying that you are going to find it hard to see a child of yours going through the same.

But you have positive things in your life which far outweigh the negatives that you can see for your child.

I'm assuming that you are married? so it goes without saying that you are leading a normal life, with a man who lovesyou and accepts you for the person that you are, and you already have a daughter together, so you are living a normal life, with a "normal" family - you are already a mother and until you were hit by this diagnosis you were planning on extending your family.

I am not taking away from what you have been through as a child, but if you look at your life now can you honestly say that you would rather not have been born? Even though it's taken surgeries and overcoming adversity to get here?

Yes your child may have to undergo surgery throughout his life, but if you try to see past that then in 20/30 years time he may be where you are now, with a wife and family of his own - do you really think that termination is preferable to that?

Only you can make the ultimate decision. But please, before you even consider termination, please get some counselling to help you deal with your own issues. Surely you wouldn't rather be dead than where you are now? and if the answer t that is yes, then you need a lot more support than just to help you terminate a pregnancy.

good luck x

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 04/11/2008 20:21

Of course Ginge is entitled to her opinion, but perhaps she's not in the best job.

Agree with mabanna about counselling. I think whether you have a termination or not counselling would be wise - from what I've heard a 20 week termination is pretty difficult and counselling could help either way.

Also worth talking to (online?) people who live with the condition. Doctors and clinicians are generally pretty hopeless at discussing the lived experience of a disability- only families can do that. The medical model really is useless when it comes to a lifelong disability. Perhaps ask about pain levels? "A life of pain" sounds a bit doctor speak - if that would be a factor in your decision then it would be worth talking to people to see what the actual day in day out translation of that is.

Take along a list of questions tomorrow.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 04/11/2008 20:23

oh sorry, I missed the post where you mentioned that you have the condition as well so my post is rather irrelevant.

Do get counselling though.

Flip

1 2