Should I ask ex-partner to be at scan? Please give opinions I'm so confused

[tristaleejac]

Hi I'm back again for advice please if you don't mind. It's a big long story I don't want to bore you all but short story is me and partner of 2 years just split as since becoming pregnant and trying to live together he became very abusive and aggressive because I wouldn't let him smoke cannabis in the house.
Anyway we are not on speaking terms and I'm back at mum's where I am feeling safe and a little more relaxed.
My dilemma now is I have my first scan on thursday. Obviously when we were together it was him who was going to accompany me to scan. Since it all went pear shaped I asked mum to come with me, deciding not even to tell partner the date of scan in case he turned up and made a fuss. Also wasn't sure if I could cope seeing him again so soon as I still love him. I was just going to send him a copy of the scan picture, so he was still involved but away from me. Now I feel terribly guilty as the scan is approaching, that I have not involved him. Should I try to put my feelings aside to let him be involved?
Please give me your honest opinions as I just want to do what is right but don't want to make any of this harder for anyone.
Should I ask him to come to the scan?

No for heavens sake. Take your mum. You probably won't get the support you need from an aggressive abuser like him - the photos should be enough. Don't even tell him the date. See how he reacts afterwards and decide then whether to ask him to the second scan. It's entirely your decision but I wouldn't let him go.

I just felt guilty at excluding him. I guess I had a tiny hope that if he saw his baby he'd realise that this is really happening and might change his attitude. Is that totally naive wishful thinking?

Do you want him to be involved in the long-term and does he want to be involved in the long-term?

Was the aggressiveness what you woud consier to be a one-off? I mean, do you think it would recur or do you seriously think it was the result of a bad patch?

I obviously don't know anything about your circumstances or the build up to your situation, but I probably wouldn't exclude him lightly.

However, if him being there is likely to cause you undue stress even without any possibility of threat or agression, then don't tell him.

Sorry, priobably haven't been any help at all have I?

But I hope you make a decision you are happy with, and I hope all goes well at the scan either way. x

No I wouldn't. You have to protect yourself & your baby- this includes keeping yourself away from anyone that causes you physical and mental stress.
Good luck with it. Be brave ((((HUGS)))

No way, it's tough as I guess part of you wants him to turn up, beg forgiveness and everything will be perfect.

But if he's abusive and agressive then he should be kept at arms length. Of course he must be involved in the babies life eventually but I'm sure your Mum can provide you with more support than he can for the scan.

Good luck with it all.

I think involving him in your life and that of your child in the hope that he will change is a mistake, because he probably will not change. Unless you want him involved exactly as he is (abusive and agressive) then do not include him.
Let him show he has changed first, then he can be a part of your lives.

Thankyou. It helps so much to have other views.
Feedmenow - I saw flashes of his anger throughout the 2 years we were in a relationship but it was only once we moved in together that it became very regular. It was because I wouldn't let him smoke hash in the house. In the end I told him I'm not having anything to do with him while he is dependant on it. He flew off the handle at that, which is why we left.
I want him to develop a bond with the baby and be part of his/her life, but only as drug free.

Tristal, probably in that case I wouldn't have him to the scan then.

Like MrsHappy suggested, let him prove himself before allowing him back in - if he wants to of course, and if you still want him by then!

In the meantime, take your mum to the scan (she'll love it as much as you) and enjoy seeing your baby on screen. Don't feel bad - afterall you're doing what is good and healthy for you and your baby, where as he obviously doesn't have the ability to consider it an actual baby yet if he thinks smoking hash in the house is acceptable!

Ok thankyou for your replies. I'll stay strong and do it without him. Mum will be delighted to be there. I'm very bad for trying to see into the future and worrying what everyone is going to think of me.
Thanks again for keeping me sane!

I agree that you'd be much better off with your mum there through the pregnancy and birth etc. Then hopefully by the time baby's born you'll be ready to contact your ex to discuss whether he wants to meet his child and your conditions for contact etc.

There's a section for lone parents here and I know of other women who have split with the fathers before birth and found help here working through the practicalties of the situation.

hanaflower - you're totally right. I would need mum with me more than my ex. So nervous anyway about the scan as in case there's anything wrong.

elkiedee - good advice too, thanks. This will be the next issue, although a wee bit away yet. Contact. He's going to go crazy when he finds this out but I want him clean before he's allowed to take baby out of my sight. He'd willingly drive under influence of hash and there's no way on earth he's taking the baby til he can show he's responsible. He'll just have to put up with coming to either my house with another member of my family there as well, or in a contact centre. I'll happily let him do this regularly, for the baby's sake.

I agree that you take your mum not your ex, for all the reasons above, but just to point out to lulabell above, my experience has not led me to think that many men get it at this early stage enought to know what is happening and when!! If he was trying to prove himself then yes he might - but there are amny lovely men out there who are clueless til it becomes a reality!

Anyway - thank god for mums - take her! And good luck.

I went on my own to all my scans and just gave ex a copy of the picture. I never involved him in the pregnancy as I just didn't want to give him the wrong idea of us getting back together. I would not have wanted him there anyway TBH. He can be involved when its born.

(ex moved in with me for a week after baby born to bond and then moved out again.)

my partner reacted very badly to hearing I was pregnant. The 12 week scan was so wonderful seeing baby, but he was so cold throughout I felt I couldn't express myself and was holding back my emotions at seeing my baby. Afterwards he insisted on driving me home (I have terrible car sickness) and it was the rush hour, so we spent over an hour in the car and he was very verbally aggressive telling me he didn't want the baby, telling me to get an abortion, accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose - all right after we'd just seen our baby for the first time! I was terribly upset as you can imagine and wished he hadn't been at the scan. At the 22 week scan he had come round abit but was still cold during the scan, and to be honest I wish he hadn't been there too. We had another scan at 28 weeks (4d) and by this time he'd almost completely come round and it was a wonderful experience for both of us, before, during and after.

What i'm trying to say is if your ex-partner wants this baby and you don't think he will be abusive to you before, during or after then i'd say invite him. But if you suspect he will upset you in any way then i'd have to say just send him the photo. He must know roughly when your scan is due, do you see him making any effort to find out the actual appointment details? If not then i'd forget about making an effort to let him know the details. But i'd play it by ear for the other scans you will have, things might improve between you as time goes on and you may want him there in future.

Ginni - I'm sorry to hear you had such an awful experience at your 1st scan. It's good that your partner came round eventually, but it must have been such a horrible amount of stress for you in the 1st half of your pregnancy. I hope you are both ok now and both enjoying your little one.

I had my scan on Thursday, thanks to everyone for your advice. I took my mum with me and my son. They were both brilliant and it couldn't have gone better. I paid for an extra copy of the scan and posted it in a card to my ex. He text me next day to say thankyou.
It's a shame it has turned out this way but in the end I think it worked out well. I didn't have to talk to ex, and mum loved it.
Next scan I'll do the same again.
He can be involved when baby is here.

Is this your first scan? I think you should take your mother to that and if by the next scan you and your ex are back on speaking terms then take him to that one.

Good on you or sticking to your guns and not let him smoke that in the house. Unfortunatly cannabis has this effect on people. xx