Guilt, if i could replay the past 6 months i'd think twice about getting pregnant

[jbakedbean]

my partner and i planned this pregnancy and i fell pg very quickly. recently he got very drunk and got really verbal abusive and verbally agressive to me which brought on a panic attack and caused me to vomit. i ended up driving to my friends house whilst having the panic attack and staying there. he said he wanted me to move out, and some of the most hurtful things and even though we have discussed it since and he's apologised I can't forget about the harsh words or him following me downstairs to abuse me verbally more as i was trying to leave the house. he really got in my face and although i don't think he'd hit me I have never been so scared.

Since chatting with my closest friend i admitted it has made me think twice about whether having a baby with the man i love was the right thing. I'm late twenties and have a professional career and a huge part of me is delighted that i have a decent enough job and enough local support that i could stand on my own two feet with help from my family and friends. I feel so guilty that if i had my time again i don't think i'd get pregnant. I'd never consider not having this little one but i didn't get into this thinking i may be a single mum, but now it is a serious consideration. very depressed and only 16 weeks pregnant, please help

You wouldn't be human if you didn't have fears about this pregnancy - given your situation! That's completely normal. Even when everything is fine it's fucking scary to find yourself pregnant - it's a huge change.

May I suggest you take it a bit easier on yourself for a few weeks, try not to make any rash decisions, just let things unfold.

If you have to be a single mum, lots of people do it, there are folks here who can advise you but talk to people, ask for help. It's okay to be scared, it doesn't mean you won't be a great mum or that you won't cope - you will!

My partner and I had some major rows when I was preggers with DD, and although they don't sound as intense as the one you describe, there were times I wondered whether it would have been best had I not been pregnant. The guilt of feeling that way bothered me a huge amount, but she is wonderful, and with or without my partner (we worked it out), I would have coped.

If you choose to go it aone, it will be hard, it will be more intense, but you'll find the stregth and ability to get through it. Do what's best for you (whatever that is) and the baby will benefit in the long run, due to having a happier mum.

best wishes to you and your bump xxx

Oh you poor thing! Being preg is REALLY hard under normal circumstances never mind yours! Its a scary, hard, stressfull time and support is crucial - make sure you seek and accept support from friends/family. Find people who you know and trust and who love you to help you through this bit, particularly re the relationship problems.

In terms of your guilt, don't worry about it. Without wanting to sound flippant, guilt is a key aspect of the pregnancy experience and if you weren't feeling guilty about these thoughts it would be something else! bb above is right - what is important is to do what is right for your as the baby's biggest need is a happy mum.

Good luck with it all -

You are really going to love that child more than you have ever loved man,good or bad, believe me you will be fine x

Pregnancy can make the most secure relationships shakey, no wonder you're feeling rubbish. Shhhh but I'm on my fourth and am wishing (with credit crunch, house renovations etc) that I'd thought twice. I know as soon as I see my baby the regret will disappear. Being depressed in pregnancy can be a major factor in PND and so I would advise you to speak to your midwife/gp get a long appointment,.

thanks everyone, really appreciate your support. I've been taking deep breaths and keeping myself very busy and have made it so i can have some space from him without necessarily seperating for a few days. you know, go round the girls house, go visit a friend far away etc etc. I'm sure it will be fine and I do have fantastic people around me, who will support me. really grateful for your comments, and yes twelve legs i think i'll have a chat with the mid wife as i did used to suffer from depression for a number of years but over the past 4 have not had it return, touch wood. but yes, i think it is worth keeping an eye on.

x

oh I do feel for you jbakednean just when everything should be coming together, and your partner should be treating you the absolute best he possibly can, this horrible thing happens. I don't want to sound melodramatic but they do say that a signigificant proportion of domestic abuse cases begin when the woman is pregnant. For whaever reason, be it insecurity or jealousy, this is when some men turn against the woman. When you go to your antenatal appointments you will see posters about this dotted around the place.

Even if you are still giving it a go with your partner you should try to bear in mind that you may need to go it alone at some stage. The things that he said to you didn't come out of nowhere and won't go back there.

You have a lot of positives going for you - you are a good age to have a baby and have a decent career and a support network. Don't let this man ruin one more day of your, or your baby's, life. Its not the pregnancy that you need to think twice about. Listen to your gut instincts.

thanks mrsboogie, it has settled down and his drinking has reduced, i have had my bit of time out and I've decided that if i do need to live and do it alone, i'm happy with that. Most important at this moment is my little one, and it comes first, and i'd prefer to be a happy single mum with a happy baby than a miserable coupled mum with a troubled baby. much appreciate your support x

Just an an aside. Can you get some counselling on NHS. Later in pregnancy the hormones go crazier and it might be harder to seek help then. I hope things settle down but if they dont plan now because you could be too exhausted and emotional later.