partner is acting like a bachelor ever since pregnancy, even though planned!!

[jbakedbean]

Just wondering if any other mum's to be or mum's are or have experienced similar. Since telling my partner we had were pregnant he has been delighted but become very unaffectionate, and I seem to be the bottom of his priority list. Drink, football and mates have always come pretty highly but i seem to have vanished off his radar completely. He has become really busy with work and I know that money worries are getting on top of him, when actually we are financially secure. Also when he does want to realx or enjoy himself it always involves getting drunk with friends, when asked about it he said "I always invite you", what!!! to watch you get drunk, and everyone else get drunk??? oh that's my favourite pastime, how thoughtful of you.

I admit since becoming pregnant I am slightly higher maintenance but only in the way that I would like my partner to think of me sometimes and for him to consider my feelings and needs.

can anyone enlighten me if they have experienced similar and has it improved after the birth?

This is a huge undertaking and although planned and very much talked about prior to trying i have niggling doubts that this relationship will stand the strain of a baby, and obviously the baby comes first.

I am sorry to hear that . I can't help here, since I have a very interested and supportive husband (reading more pregnancy books than me). I guess your partner does not completely realized what is happening yet. Maybe when the little one will start kicking, then he will get the idea that something is going on. Also to be drinking when you obviously can not is not very nice of him, he should share some of pregnancy with you in that terms. I reckon you should talk to him, because you do not want to quietly suffer till birth and be stressed. Fingers crossed for you and good luck with everything.

Really sorry to hear this. It sounds like he isn't adjusting that well to the news that he is going to be a dad. He wouldn't be the first!

How pregnant are you? If it's still early days, things may well change as you get bigger and the pregnancy becomes more real. There comes a stage in late pregnancy when you really will have to depend on your partner as you get big, slow, tired etc and physically can't do certain things. Hopefully that will give him a bit of a wake up call.

Having related but slightly different issues with my DH - in fact had a bit of an argument about it last night. Like yours, ours is very much planned, took 8 months to conceive so definitely no surprise. However DH seems totally uninterested. He's not going out on the town or behaving any differently, he just looks totally bored whenever I talk about it, and last night hormones got the better of me and I got cross with him.

Seems he is v scared about how our lives will change, and is worried about money as business is quiet. All he can see at the minute are all the down sides to having a baby and has no way of imagining the joy of having his own child (he's always hated babies too, though is great with kids 3+). All this adds up to him switching off whenever I mention it - and unfortunately I think he will be like that until I get bigger and we have to prepare for baby's arrival.

Sounds like your DP is scared, and his behaviour is his way of metaphorically sticking his fingers in his ears going 'la la la' for as long as he can. Will he talk to you about his feelings? I totally understand how sad and angry you must feel about his behaviour, but it's better to avoid arguments if you can. Could you reach some common ground where he understands you need his attention and support, but you "allow" him to feel scared and maybe enjoy a bit of freedom while he still can.

If I'm honest, it's much easier for me too to imagine loss of income, career going down the pan, sleepless nights, our tiny house being full of baby stuff etc than having a baby, because all those things are more real to me at the moment. So I can sort of understand where DH's coming from. But it is frustrating when I want him to share in the happiness.

Sorry for waffling on! I do hope you & your DP manage to sort things out soon, good luck

Thanks spanglemaker , and i think you could be right about him being very scared, a bit about money and business as he is in landscape gardening business, but more so about the fear we will split up as he has two children through a previous partner. They are both teenagers now and have a very close relationship with their dad. He still has an enormous sense of guilt for leaving them (not for me- this was over 10 years ago).

I think he is just putting his barriers up and in pretence so your right I will sit down and talk to him

On a note with your story: my mum said that my dad was completly unconnected to the bump for all three paregnancies but when they came along was the best dad ever.

thanks for waffling on, as it was much appreciated x

Mine was a bit like this too. I was expecting a bit of fuss made of me, and got zilch. I really wondered at the time if he was pleased about it. But he made a big announcement to everyone and seemed really proud. He never wanted to feel the bump or baby kick which made me . I had to be in hospital at the end and then he was a star. And he has been an excellent dad ever since dd was born. I think the other posters are right that he's finding it a bit hard to come to terms with the idea of being a dad.

Missmattie i'm over 12 weeks and had about 3 scans as the midwife thought i was further gone than i was due to detecting the heartbeat at 7.5 weeks, he has been to two of the scans. got to admit that I have chosen a partner who doesn't know the defintion of empathy let alone how to feel it.

Portofino glad your partner came round, and I'm p[retty confident mine will do the same if i look at him and his other two kids. He's even offered that i go back to work and he be the stay at home dad, i know he is very keen to have a kid but possibly just finds it very hard to see the reality of pregnancy and the problems i face trying to do a 50 hr week at the same time.

I can also relate to everything on here. My DP was a willing participant in TTC, but when I told him I was PG, he was absolutely amazed and quite shocked. As I am knocking on the door of 40, he didn't really think it would ever happen. He is great with friends kids once they get to an "interesting" stage - probably 3+, so I am certain he will make a great dad eventually and I just need to be patient.

However, at the moment he is not talking much - when he does ask the occasional question, I try to answer it, but not drown him with facts as it is becoming increasingly obvious how little he understands about pregnancy. I think things will become more real for him when there is a visible bump, so am just hanging in there and talking to people on MN as not many people know in RL.

As for booze and going out with his mates - yes he spends a couple of hours every evening in our local, and I used to be in there 3 or 4 nights per week. I still do pop in - just don't stay as long. Am trying hard to make sure that I don't totally withdraw from our old life - think that really would freak him out

thanks Jools1, i pop down to the pub as well for a few hours and i think your right in not pressurizing him to abosrb too much info. I'm 28 but my partner is in his 40's and although happy with planning kids when it actually happened which only took 6 weeks he was very shocked as well as I don't think he thought it was possible either.

he has told all his friends and is very proud, and protective of me, in that he doesn't want me horseriding etc, but yet is making a big fuss when i asked him to come to the occasional antenatal class. I think I might try and join you in trying to be patient, although this is possibly my worst trait, as I have never really had any.

I had similar with my sons father. He got drunk most nights, started seeing other women (although he might have been doing that all along), despite professing to be delighted and looking forward to DS being born. He also was older than me (i was 37, he was 50) and it was a bit of a surprise as i'd been off the pill for 5 years.

Unfortunately things didnt improve and I ended up leaving him a few weeks before DS was born because things got so bad that it was affecting me and DS, to the degree I ended up going into early labour with the stress.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, the only thing I can advise is that you sit down and talk to him rationally and find out whats going on in his head. There will be far more pressure once the baby arrives, so you need to sort it out now.

jbakedbean it does sound as if he will be ok in the end, though admittedly that doesn't help you now. A 50hr week is tough even when not pg - could you give him some practical things to do that would help you out? I have asked mine to cook the odd meal which he agreed to but when it comes to it it's either takeaway, pizza or the local pub!

Jools has a very good point about not withdrawing from doing things together. I'm wondering if my DH is feeling like he has 'lost' his wife - I'm spending most evenings dozing on the sofa in baggy clothes/fleece and probably do talk about the pregnancy rather a lot . Need to meet him half way I think.

I feel much better reading tHis as mine is a nbit crap too...I am 22 weeks and he just doesn't seem that interested and i think is fed up of all the joking from friends about how much life will change - he claims each time that it won't and at times I am really worried that he is going to leave it all to me!

I am aware that this is common, tho, and that they don't sort of 'get it' until it is more real - for us its with us 24/7 (partic the first few months) whereas for the they are literally not experienceing the physical, hormonal stuff. So I am trying to give him a bit of a break.

I am also consciously trying to talk about other things too in an effort to show that i am not JUST a pregancy tho sometimes thats hard!!) and agree with the people above who do the odd pub visit so as not to withdraw..

I would say talk to him and find out what he is thinking - but I am also aware that its hard, cos I haven't really done so!!

So to sum up - good luck and you are not alone!!

I think with a first baby it's true to say that the woman's life changes as soon as she gets pregnant - no drinking, tired all the time, and her focus is so completely on what's growing inside her that it can sometimes be hard to realise that it takes men a little longer to catch up.

There's probably a bit of fear and insecurity, a bit of 'enjoy life while you can' on his part, and possibly a bit of him doing what he's always done, but it seeming so completely alien to how you're feeling that it seems worse than it is? I remember I couldn't believe that my DP was carrying on as normal when for me EVERYTHING had changed so radically!

One child on and another on the way, and he's the most committed dad there is, so give your DP some time to adjust. I bet he'll be brilliant.

thanks everyone, much appreciated, he has just come back from a lads weekend away and i had the sit down and talk, although as soon as i said i needed to talk he reeled off the list of things i was feeling and what he'd done wrong. he has said we should make one weekend night for each other and each other alone, and he'll put more effort into the relationship. we'll see, i'm not hoping for a miracle, just a bit of quality time so i keep my fingers crossed and wish you all the best and thank you once again, x