Not really sure where to post this, bit of a tricky situation at work....

[MildWest]

Not really sure where to post this, not v. pleasant situation.

Am 32 weeks, leaving work in a few weeks. Quietly told a few people at work when I'd got to 3 months. A few weeks later, the lady I sit opposite was upset and told me that she'd had a termination a little while back. I don't know much more as we aren't particularly close but sounds like she wasn't entirely happy with the decision, and it seems no-one else at work knows.

Since then, I've never referred to the pregnancy directly to her. We do occasionally chit-chat, but nothing more as I'm very conscious of what I say. But, we work in an open plan office and people come and ask me about the baby - I try to be aware of how she must feel but there's a limit to how I can influence other people. Also, my boss and I get on very well and do talk about it, but again I'm careful to try and wait until the lady's not around, or to change the subject if she is there.

Today, however she was very upset and said she found it really hard when we talk about it. I am trying to understand and to be sensitive (we had a hard time at the beginning with a CVS and facing up to those risks so I'm really trying to understand what it must be like for her). I don't know what to do! I can't make my pregnancy go away, I can't stop people asking me about it. I can try and change the subject, and I will continue to never refer to it directly with her, but I can't make sure there are never any references to it. What else can I do? And it's not just me, after I leave there will be another pregnancy and another. Any advise would be greatly appreciated, I feel like I've been awfully insensitive despite trying my best not to.

That is difficult. And not your fault either - I can sympathise with her feeling upset, but it's a bit harsh of her to make you feel bad about your own pregnancy.

Is there any way you can not sit near her? You could be quite open with her about it - say that you can't make your pregnancy go away but you feel very uncomfortable knowing that it's making her feel bad every time someone mentions it, so you're going to move to another desk to save on awkwardness for both of you.

What an awful situation. Could you kindly suggest to her that maybe she needs to get some counselling. For her own sanity as there are always going to be pregnant women around. It is such a shame her sadness has taken the shine off of your pregnancy at work.

Sounds to me like there is nothing more you could have done or be doing. You are being considerate and kind and not flaunting you're pregnant, but it's a fact and she has to deal with it. Just carry on doing as you are I'd say and try to enjoy your pregnancy regardless.

Thanks everyone. I think she has had some counselling, it's really not nice though and I'm not looking forward to my last 5 weeks which is a shame. Not sure I can move desks for 5 weeks as that would involve a lot of people and potentially awkward questions! And I do feel that there will always be pregnant people around, be it family members or work colleagues, can't ignore them forever. Hmm.

This is hard. I was pg with DS1 at the same time as one of DH's colleagues. Tragically she had a termination due to severe problems with the baby at 36 weeks. Incredibly upsetting for all and devastating for her of course. She insisted she was OK with DH and I bringing the baby into work to show him off(when he was about 6 months old) even though DH was very unsure about doing so. When the time came she couldn't face it and had to leave the room. It was so hard for her. Luckily she became pg very soon after and has a healthy little girl now (and another son since.)

There is nothing you can do, I'm sure she feels bad for you having to cope with her feelings as well. Could you not ask for your desk/position to be moved for when you return from ML? Your boss sounds quite a sensistive person, do you discuss the situation with him/her?

Gosh that is an awful situation Wordsmith. I'm a contractor so not likely to be going back to same company, and if I do I will certainly ensure I have a different desk (phew!). At the ladies request I did explain the situation to my boss last week, so that she is able to avoid the topic too when she is around. but that is only one other person in the entire office who is aware of the full situation. Oh well, only 4.9 weeks left...

God, how awful - didn't even think you can have a termination at 36 weeks

Mildwest, please just try and enjoy your pregnancy, as you say, there will be other pregnant women in the office

Difficult situation mildwest but it does sound like you are being as sensitive as you can. As you say you can't make it go away and you can't not be excited and indulge in talking about it if people ask you questions.

I had a termintation due to the diagnosis of a fatal genetic condition at 20 weeks and one of the hardest things for me was that no-one ever asked me about it, it was like it didn't happen or was the same as a miscarriage, which its not. Perhaps people felt awkward or thought I'd get upset. Perhaps it hurts her that people are excited for you and talking to you about your baby but no-one mentions hers. I may be way off the mark but perhaps the reason why she's mentioned it again is that she wants to talk to you about it? Perhaps she feels isolated? It may be worth seeing if she wants a coffee and ask her if she wants to talk about what happened. There are organisations that can help her if she needs to talk and ARC are a great place to start.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregncny

Is your workplace big enough to have a HR department? If so, can you very quietly refer it to them to deal with?

This is really not your problem. I can't understand what on earth she expects you to do. You (and everyone else) can't pretend not to be pregnant and I don't think anything less would allow her to pretend it is not happening. It must be so difficult to see someone right in front of her, but as other posters have said, if it wasn't you this would be happening with someone else. It will continue to happen after you have gone on leave when someone else is pregnant. If she wants attention/sympathy for what has happened to her then she has to come out and tell people about it herself. To be honest I don't think that work is the proper place for that anyway. Its not fair to give you a guilt trip about it.

If she continues to have a problem, I'd suggest for her to have a talk with HR about it rather than you. If anyone should be moving desks it is her, because she is the one finding it difficult to work in a normal office situation.

There is an employee support line, although at the moment I am reluctant to bring it up again - Chooster you're right, I don't know what to say but we're not particularly close. My boss was very understanding but is also of the opinion that she will have to learn to live with the decision that she's made (which was for personal rather than medical reasons I believe) rather than taking it out on me and others in the future. I do almost get the impression that after Friday, and her being so openly upset (like, right in the middle of the office) that she expects me to not say another word about this baby, but that's not practical and would impact relationships with other people to whom I am much closer.

Thanks for all the replies, it's interesting to see what other MN'ers think though as am aware I can be little bit 'male-brain' with sensitive issues sometimes....