How to tell future grandparents..who might not take the news well?

[corgikelly]

I hate even having to post something like this, but I would really appreciate your help.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant, so fingers crossed can gear up to start telling people about the good news in a couple of weeks. The problem? My parents.

When I told them a year ago that we were thinking of trying to conceive, they didn't take the news well. And when I told them in March that we were going ahead with assisted conception treatments, they handled it less well. The issue? I'm not married. They don't see a difference, I think, between an unplanned pregnancy at 15 years old and a more-than-planned for pregnancy at 37 in a stable, deeply loving 5-year relationship. Out-of-wedlock child = morally BAD, full stop.

So...how on earth do I tell them? I'm thrilled (though terrified) to be pregnant, and I hate the prospect of getting on the phone with them and hearing disapproving silence.

Just tell them but accept that they may not be overjoyed - and prepare yourself for that reaction. You are an adult - don't let them continue to treat you like a child. You will come up against other things when you've actually had the baby - so start as you mean to go on!

annvan I am so shocked at your sisters comment - that is unbelievable.

Thanks PF - my sister is unfortunately worse than my parents. She was bossy to start with, got worse after her marriage, and oh my, even worse after she had her DD. And her levels of sel righteousness increased exponentially with each of these developments as well.

I feel that I have to point out that I know not all Christian folk are like this. It's a pity some are, I think they've missed the point of Christianity tbh.

I looked back AnnVan to see what your sister said-it was appalling! You feel that someone should take her aside and tell her that views like that are incompatible with Christianity.
I agree with petitfilou about the OP-don't let them treat you like a child. If they don't take it well I would say that you are sorry they feel like that because you are thrilled (in a polite manner) and say goodbye and put the phone down. Continue to contact them but if they start on the subject of marriage just tell them it isn't open for discussion and change the subject.
I am sure they will accept it in time.

My DP's parents were less than impressed, despite it being their first grandchild. I was 34 and DP was 43, so not whippersnappers.

"We've got something to tell you. We're expecting a baby."

"Oh - we're pleased but we're not pleased. Are you getting married?"

"It's not high on the list of prioroties at the moment."

Which led to stoney faces for the rest of the dinner. They are deeply religious and very involved with the church, but DP and I border on atheism.

It led to DP being too angry to speak to them for two weeks, until they came round and said sorry, they'd been speaking to their minister and he'd told them to stop being so daft.

It still pissed us off that they couldn't be happy for us until a minister told them it was ok for them to do so.

However, they've come round a lot now, and I think they're actually even getting excited.

BIFM - lol at DP's parents! in my case, my Dad IS the minister. Thankfully they came round fairly well, and are quite excited about things. They still drop hints aboutmarriage though. For example on 28 Feb - 'You know what you can do tomorrow??' - but I know it's just concern for me, based on their archaic and rather narrow world view. In their eyes being married = concrete commitment. They ignore the fact that many married men leave/cheat.

i'm surprised that they are on the west coast but are very traditional... sorry, i live out here too and find most people are open about things. your approach over the phone will definitely need to be ecstatic. you'll need to be a little over the top about how excited you are. in the end, it is you and dp that are having this experience and if they are not interested in being a part of it because of dated ideas, then so be it. they should be supportive of your loving relationship considering that 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. being married doesn't secure a loving relationship.

be happy. you are having a baby. that is sooooo fabulous.

"They ignore the fact that many married men leave/cheat."
I think this is something some men do whether they are married or not.
While I am totally open to people choosing not to marry or not to marry, I did choose to get married and I get really upset when people who do not choose to marry tell me about statistics about married men cheating, leaving, wanting a divorce... etc.
This isn't an attack on you or any of the posters, by any means. I have just heard this from friends a lot lately and it irritates me because I feel like they are trying to say that I have made a choice to get married, so statistically, our marriage is doomed, whereas their relationships are more stable and committed. This just isn't true.
I have the most loving, amazing husband in the world and every confidence that we will have a happy life together. It probably wouldn't get to me at all if I weren't 33 weeks pregnant at the moment and hormonally unbalanced/overly emotional, actually! sorry for the rant.
Just wanted to say that I hope your parents are supportive and happy for you corgikelly!! It is YOUR choice and nothing wrong with it at all.
I just don't see anything wrong with my choice either.

And, forgot to say, CONGRATULATIONS corgikelly, on your pregnancy!

Star6 I agree with you - whether or not a man cheats depends on the man, not on whether or not he's married. I was simply saying this in this way, as my parents assumption is that if you're married, you're safe. THis is not necessarily the case, because if a man is going to cheat he will do it regardless, whether or not he is married. Marriage then should be entered into because you want to, not because you're having a baby, and want ot be sure your OH won't cheat.

I am not opposed to marriage either. I would like to get married. But I'm not going to destroy a wonderful relationship by forcing the issue. I know DP will not cheat.

I agree, AnnVan. Sorry if I seemed snippy, as I said, incredibly over emotional at the moment and it's something that a lot of people have been saying to me lately - and not in this way, either - they make it seem like deciding to get married was the worst thing I could have done... funnily enough, another friend just got surprisingly engaged and is now all for marriage (when she was previously so against it).

Poor you

It was even worse for me though - my partner was still married to his first wife when I got pregnant - my father did not like that idea one little bit.

Believe me, once you have got over the difficulty of telling them, they will come round to it.

Just tell them, be prepared for the worst and don't seek their approval at all.
It's your baby, youir body, your decis6ion

Star6 - that's stupid. You do what's right for you. Not all marriages are doomed to failure FFS! (My parents have been married for something like 35 years, so maybe that's why they assume marriage = safety. But I also know from their example that it CAN work)

Tell them happily your happy news - they'll come round.

So interesting to hear that others have been in similarly ticklish situations! I can certainly see the importance of going a bit above and beyond in the excitement department -- maybe that will guilt them into being excited, too...

The Belgian system is actually quite firm when it comes to support for unmarried ex-partners/children in case of a break-up, so I've not got too many worries there. All we need to do to ensure that is for my DP to "recognise" the child as his, which he can do either before or after the birth; I should be getting my "certificate of pregnancy" from the ob-gyn today and we'll go tomorrow to the maison communale to do the recognition paperwork. Are there similar statutes in the UK?

We are, however, going to make an appointment with a notaire to ensure that our civil status covers a number of other issues (i.e., if I were to die, would DP have all rights to the child; does our status include the right to make decisions for a partner in a coma, etc -- all the fun stuff).

If there are gaps, then we'll probably need to rethink the marriage thing... but I SOOOOOOO don't want to. I was married once before, and just can't see myself doing the "for better or for worse" with any confidence whatsoever. Just a quirk of mine, I guess - I feel really strongly that I had my shot at that kind of commitment, screwed it up and don't "deserve"/want to do it again. Poor DP. He'd so like to be married, but he's very understanding, thank goodness.

oh corgikelly congratulations to you both!
I agree with other posters in that you could tell people who you know will be genuinely delighted (perhaps "saving" one or two for after you tell your parents), but be prepared for a less than enthusiastic response. send them a copy of the scan pic and keep them up to date if you think that will help them get used to the idea. My family are quite tradional and I know that had any of us had babies outside marriage,there would have been "disappointment" at our "lack of self-respect" etc.
Enjoy this wonderful time, surround yourself, your dp and lo with love and support.

I forgot to add the lovely, ironic bit of the story: my parents are super-worried about "what would they tell the family?" Granted, my father's family which is tiny will be shocked and appalled, but honestly, I don't care too much about them. On my mum's side of the family, however, I've got nine cousins -- and every single one of them got pregnant/impregnated their partner a) out of wedlock, and b) before the age of 20. And my aunts and uncles and cousins are going to be, I will bet you anything, over the moon at our news!

Parents. Sheesh.

CK i would call the rellies you know will be happy and tell then and say your calling your parents so they wait a bit then call your parents and know that they will shortly be getting lots of congrstulatory phone calls

corgi, many congrats!

if I were you i'd tell them the news by letter.

As for marriage, you may change your mind once you've had the baby

it took my dh 14 years to get me to marry him. ( we moved in together when we were 18.) i never felt the need as we were in a very loving and committed relationship. now though, after a very untraditional wedding (we didn't even have family there, just some friends, a pig in a pit, a lamb on the spit and we pupped our tents in our friends farms apple orchard) it feels quite lovely and we are now expecting our first LO after sharing our lives together for 18 years. it just keeps getting better.

i think your family will come around at how lovely the whole thing is; having a loving partner and a new baby.

I told my mum about my 3rd pg by email as she spent the whole time after I had dd (my 2nd) that I shouldn't have any more. Literally every conversation I had with her came round to 'Having 3 Children Is A Bad Idea Because............................'

Despite the fact I'd said when we had ds1 that we were intending to have 3 dcs.

I basically wrote to her and said we were pregnant but her constant negativity about 3 children stopped me wanting to tell her but I felt she needed to know. I also told her that it was none of her business how many children we had, it was our decision and ours alone and if she wasn't happy then it was her problem and not ours.

She seemed to be quite upset that she'd made me feel that I couldn't tell her but she still bangs on about the expense, etc of having 3 .

Mind you, she's also been nagging my sister about how she needs to get married to her dp now that they have a baby so she's 'protected' . This is the woman who gave me and my dsis £750 each to put into an account that our dh/dp didn't know about so if they left us we'd have some money of our own. She didn't get why we actually found it quite offensive that she thought our relationships were inevitably going to fail .

Congratulations and good luck with telling them, expect the worst then you can only be pleasantly surprised!

Ooof. Well, I told them. It wasn?t as bad as it could have been, but it wasn?t great. My mother?s first response was actually ?Congratulations,? and it did take her a while to work around to ?We?re not happy, it?s embarrassing, I don?t know what we?re going to tell our friends, etc.? My father got on the line later, and his first response was, ?Well, that?s ? thank you for telling us,? and then, two seconds later ? I still don?t know how he did it so seamlessly ? we were talking about gardening and politics.

Sigh.

If I?d had my druthers, I?d have waited until Cletus? first birthday to tell them, but DP said, and I think he?s right, that no matter how disapproving they are, waiting until far later than usual to share the news with the people who are, admittedly, the grandparents, would have compounded hurt to the resentment.

At least it's over and done with -- and now I can tell people who will be really pleased for me.