So scared of having a second baby

[tor74]

I'm not sure if this is the right section to post in but here goes....

I have a lovely DS who turns three in October. However his birth was very traumatic and he developed a serious heart condition which meant he nearly didn't make it. He was in ICU for 2 weeks and I was also in hosptial as I lost so much blood in the emergency C-section. I ended up with PND for nearly a year and insomnia which has never really gone away.

On top of all of that I absolutely hated being pregnant and just couldn't cope with the first couple of months of nausea (I have a fear of being sick)

So with all of this in mind we decided that one child was enough but for some reason we thought, lets give it a go and see what happens. Within one month I was pregnant.

I only did the test two days ago and I haven't stopped crying. I am so scared I can't think straight. I'm not sure what it is I'm scared of exactly but I feel like I've made a terrible mistake and I just want to turn the clock back.

I realise this is a dreadful thing to say given the amount of people on here trying to have a baby and that just makes me even more upset.

Has anyone else been scared of going through it all again? Does anyone else suffer with insomnia and still cope with a toddler and being pregnant?

Would this help?

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

I think it's natural for all the worries and stresses of your first pg to come back with your second. Is there anyone you can talk to about this: your partner or your hv?

Hopefully someone with better advice will be along soon

you are not alone. i am pregnant again and due in 2 months and have a 17 month old. i also hate being sick but then who doesnt? even now i am scared, my labour was not as traumatic and after what you went through it is only understandable that you would feel this way. i would recommend speaking ot either your gp or mw about your fears, perhaps councelling? remember that no pregnancy or labour are the same.

My partner is fantastic and I have had counselling for a couple of months recently and I thought it had worked but clearly not....

I've been awake since 2am this morning worrying and dreading going through it all again. I'll have a look at this link though. Thanks, I haven't heard of them before.

You are not crazy. I had similar feelings, and I conceived both of mine with fertility treatment! I'm now pregnant with number 2 and just about coming to terms with it. I have rough pregnancies and DD1 was a dreadful delivery. Thankfully she has come out of it unscathed, although I'm still not right.
I am having couselling (referred by my GP) to help me get through it, and I've also been really demanding about the birth too - there is no way that I'm going through that again.

Your story is so like mine. Hideous pregnancy, Emergency section, NICU for three weeks, told to expect worst as DS (who is also 3 in Oct)had a list of things wrong as long as your arm.
Anyway, here I am nearly 3 years later and 35 weeks pregnant. Again the pregnancy has been yuck, I was so terrified when I found out I spent the first couple of months thinking the unmentionable, should I carry on with it or not? But here I am having a planned c-section and crapping myself.
All the worst case scenarios are playing out in my head but I know I have to do it.
And when is all said and done I think that by going through with the whole thing is the only way I will lay the ghosts of the first experience to rest.
Lord knows I have to, I am spending a small fortune in tissues and I have to get on with it for sake of the lively toddler!
Don't beat yourself up for feeling like you do. If nothing else, make a midwife appointment and just let it all out.

I think it's quite a natural response to a trauma - to try and avoid it again! But SOMETHING in you wanted another child enough to conceive again. Hold onto that. No matter how stressful it was the first time, you coped and you survived. The chances are that this time it will be easier.

tor74,
i had a very similar situation to yours. even the age difference.
we planned to have a second child and it wasn't until i actually became pregnant that I started to panic.
I think it was some sort of ante-natal depression/anxiety.
Things that helped me were lots and lots of chats with my midwife, and i also got the HV involved as i was concerned that i would need a lot of help and wanted to set up a rapport before i had the baby.
I also met with midwives at the hospital to discuss what happened first time around. This helped to put my mind at rest.

But the only thing that really helped was having DS2 born healthy.
The experience lay a lot of ghosts to rest and i even felt less anxious about DS1 in general and finally saw how healthy he was now.

My second experience of birth was soooo much better and strangely i suffered more with ante-natal depression and not pnd with my second.

Hi tor74,

My story is very similar to yours with my first labour. I had a 26 hours of active labour, 3 failed vetose attempts in the end i was cut very badly and DD1 was delivered with forceps . DD1 then spent a week in NICU and a week on SCBU.

DD2 arrived 26 mths later, delivered at home (unplanned) by paramedics after just 2.5 hours of labour .

Every pregnancy is differant!! hopefully you will not have that same problems you had last time. I totally understand your fears, but your body seems to know what its doing better the second time round.

It now almost 6 years since DD1 was born and to this day i still feel guilty about the shitty start in life that the poor little mite had but i am now alot more confident that my body does know how to labour and im now 11 weeks pg with DC3.

you poor thing. firstly - give yourself time. it's early days and you are only just adjusting to the news. don;t be hard on yourself either - no need to feel guilty - what you're thinkning and feeling is entirely normal/understandable. when you feel up to it start talking to people who can help and support you - gp, midwife, health visitor - not all such people are supportive, admittedly, but a good gp should steer you towards support - try the birth trauma association as someone has already said. If you;re in London and can consider spending quite a chunk of money I'd recommend talking to the Birth Centre at Tooting. Even if you're not in London it's probably worth calling them as they might be able offer you a bit of advice or put you on to someone similar near you. lots of their clients had traumatic firsts and they really are genuinely driven by a desire to make things better. www.birthcentre.com/index.html

Birth can be traumatic, just give yourself permission to process. You have been through so much, to think that it will just go away and be fine is expecting too much! Read up on your options and look into maybe doing things differently so you might not feel quite as terrified. Babies do have a healing about them, bond with your new baby now whenever you feel anxious and maybe that will help comfort and soothe you. Remember that you are the one in charge of you, if there is something you don't want or don't like, you do not have to do it! Deep in your heart you know what is best for you, look for answers you haven't looked at yet and then follow your heart. What is good for you is good for your baby and family too. But don't led by what you think you should be feeling. Work through your trauma and then pray A LOT! You will find the help you need right when you need it. Also, you are not destined to repeat anything that you had to suffer through with your first. This is a clean page and nothing is set in stone. Take things one day at a time and don't forget to enjoy the prospect of a new life growing inside of you! What will this baby look like, who will she/he become? Imagine the two children growing up together and what a great addition to the family! Deal with the pain of the first delivery but revel in the birth and life of the second to come. How precious new life is! Remember this when you get really down. You are a complex person, you are entitled to feel it all, anxiety, love, fear, hope, dread and excitement at the same time no less! I hope all will go well with you and that you will be able to enjoy this new life inside of you in a new way.

P.S. as to the anxiety, it might be your adrenal glands. I lost a baby in the 2nd trimester and nearly died from blood loss. It took a very good midwife to be able to help me take care of my adrenals when the docs just wanted to put me on Prozac for anxiety. I had a blood transfusion and a general anesthesia for the d and c, the combination of which put my body in total chaos. The midwife said no alcohol, tobacco, or caffeine and recommended I level out my sugar levels so I wouldn't hit highs and lows (protein every 2 hours before I was hungry, and a low glycemic diet). She also said exercise at least every other day and get plenty of rest and water. To reset the adrenal glands she recommended I lay flat on the floor with my feet in a chair. I never needed to go this far as I was better with the other advice within 2 days. It might just be a body thing for you too, ask a nutritional counsellor or a good midwife for some advice. They usually are a wealth of information. Good luck!

I couldn't not post on here. I had a very traumatic birth experience with my DS too and felt very stressed when I first found out that i was expecting no2. I've found these self hypnosis cds really helpful
www.natalhypnotherapy.co.uk/

tor74 - You are not alone. I also had an emergency c section with ds who is now 3.5.
He was an undiagnosed breech baby and was in distress.
I too felt similar feelings of only wanting one child, dh backed me all the way.
I think what helped me was coming onto mumsnet and listening to other stories and realising I wasn't the only one who had been through a tough experience. I also got in touch with the birth trauma association who were very helpful, a volunteer emailed me and I chatted to her and she made me realise that I can come to terms with what happened and that it wasn't my fault.
A difficult birth can make you feel like you have no control, this is what scares me about having number 2 - I am 16.5 weeks pg. But so far I feel very in control. I have had my 12 week scan and seen a consultant at the hospital who was very helpful. He told me about my choices for birth options and said I would recieve 'closer care'this time around.
I am sending good vibes to you

Thank you so much for all of your responses. It's so good to know I'm not alone in feeling the fear of going through it all again.

Especially Frimblypoo - the unmentionable was going round and round in my head all on Sunday night/Monday morning when I was lying awake and it's such a relief that someone else thought the same thing and I'm not an evil b*tch from hell.

I actually managed to sleep last night for seven whole hours so I feel a million times better than yesterday when I'd only had two hours the night before.

I feel a lot more rational and reading these replies has made me feel even better. I've been in contact with someone from the birth trauma association so I'm hoping a reply from them will help even more.

Thanks again everyone. x

Dear tor74
After my last message I have been thinking about you and I thought you might like to know that I had my second baby by planned c/s just over 2 weeks ago. It was incredible, moving, amazing and above all, cathartic. After experiencing all the emotional and physical trauma that I know you are going through too I just wanted to come back on and let you know how amazingly different it was this time.
All the medical staff took the time to explain what was going to happen in as much detail as I wanted, heck, even the after pain of surgery was nothing like it was the first time.
After spending 3 years thinking I can't do it again and nine months making myself ill with worry I am so glad I did. I have a beautiful daughter and bar a few emotional moments in theatre I still can't believe that having a baby can be such a positive experience.
I hope you have been able to find the help that you need, hang in there
sincerest best wishes x