5 months pregnant and partner said he wants to leave! advice please

[overthehills]

hi i could really do with some advice, my heart and brain are conflicting!! weve been together for 4 years living together for 18 months, this pregnancy wasnt planned and when i told him he was very unhappy, but over the last few months he seemed to adjust to the idea and seemed ok about it,
our relationship has always had problems mainly because he always wants to go out with his friends, i cant bacause i have 2 kids from a previous relationship so i dont have the freedom to go out with him but still i feel he goes out to much! he goes to the gym 3 evenings a week out sat and sun on his bike or seeing friends etc it usually works out that he's home for one or two evenings a week,which has started to get me down he dosent help with any house work and just watches top gear when he is home
anyway we ended up having a barny cos he was moaning at my daughter and i was so fed up with him we had a huge row and he said he wants to leave!
he said he feels that he cant do what he wants when he wants and im like his mother telling wot time to come back! which i feel is unfair as he goes out all the time!!
he then said my kids are doing his head in because there always fighting and making noise and he cant relax when he's here!
even hours after the row when we were talking calmly he still said he wanted to go,i said ok and that i wouldnt try and stop him.. he then started crying and said he couldnt leave cos he wanted to support me and the baby even though in his heart he wants to go!
i dont know what to do shall i tell him to go knowing that he dosent want to be here and his only staying out of guilt?? but then the thought of the birth and doing it all alone again is horrendous!
my pride wants to tell him to piss off but i love him and its breaking my heart!!
do i go it alone? let him go knowing its what he wants or do i let him stay??
please help ((

Hi Overthehills,

Sorry sounds like an awful position to be in and I didn't want to read and run. I would suggest moving your story to the relationship segment on Mumsnet, not only will there be someone there far more able to give advice than I am there will also be people who have been through this and support you through the decision making process.

From my own point of view I'd let him go but only because the control freak in me couldn't live with the uncertainty of having this conversation again when my baby was 3mths, 6mths a Yr, whenever! I would probably tell him to support me but no longer live there. However these things are always easier said than done, I hope you manage to sort everything out for the best.

Overthehills - its sounds like a really terrible position to be in. It sounds like both you -and your boyfriend - are really confused as to what you want (him to stay? Him to go?) and what to do next, and the fact you have a child on the way isnt helping at all.

Can I suggest you maybe get in touch with Relate who might be able to put the two of you in touch with a couples counsellor (talking should help the two of you decide on what the issues actually are here and whether you have a future together or apart) - it sometimes does help to talk to an uninvolved third party. Otherwise, I think you guys do need ot talk through logistics and repercussions if he does move out - is it for ever or just so the two of you have breathing space? What about finances? Would you keep seeing each other or have a total break? etc. Whatever happens, am wishing you the best of luck.

to be entirely honest - from an outside point of view - he sounds like a complete tw#t. I'd let him go and be glad he's gone - but I appreciate it's not that easy if you love him.

He's not ready for step-parenthood, parenthood or commitment. God knows why he got into this situation but you are better off letting him get out of it. He's just going to end up resenting you and you him, and if he carries on trying to live the single life you will hate him in the end.

Well, you can't 'do what you want when you want' when you have children - that is just the REALITY OF LIFE!! He needs to understand that.
He also needs to know that there is no 'walking away' from his child. Whether he stays or whether he goes - he has responsibilities for the rest of his life that he cannot ignore and he will be expected to provide for his child. (He may simply be freaking out over this realisation, btw)

However, there is nothing you can do to 'make' someone stay with you if they don't want to. You can only accept their decision. All you have control over is yourself.

I agree that you would benefit from Relate.

oh overthehills

I couldn't just read and run either I feel as though I have to repsond in some way.

whatever you decide I am sure it will be the best decision for you and your family.

It sounds as though you are both sensible people and can talk things through in a calm manner which is sometimes half of the battle.

Do you think he still loves you ? maybe "life" is just getting in the way and its clouding his true feelings for you. Perhaps he is having a wobble and panicing about the new arrival.

wishing you all the very best we are all here if you need to talk.

x

What a nightmare!!
He sounds just like my ex-husband!! And im so glad he's an EX. He's behaving like a spoilt child and has got away with doing so. He is not taking into account anyone's needs but his own, basically having his cake and eating it. You really dont need 3 kids and a baby to look after.
It is hard to walk away from a long term relationship - but it will eat away at your self confidence if you let him stay.
My bet is that if you finish with him, he'll beg you to take him back anyway, then if you decide to give him another go you'll have to put down very firm ground rules or walk away permanently.
If you stay how you are you'll be doing it alone anyway because you are getting no support from him.
Get in touch with family & friends who you know will be there for you.
Good Luck. XX

councilling is a great idea relate are meant to be really good good luck

thanks so much to everyone for your advice, i guess i should have put this in the relationship section,its just the pregnancy is the the thing foremost on my mind. he's going on holiday in a weeks time so i guess it will give me time to think about what i really want. i love him but i guess he dosent love me other wise he wouldnt say he wanted to leave.. thanks again guys for your advice xx

HE is going on holiday? Presumably not the whole faimly then? If this is the case he sounds like a selfish wanker!!!

it seems to me that he is not really interested in family life, but I feel for you not wanting to do it all alone. I would keep him as long as you need him but if he doesn't want to be with you then he's not right for you. he may feel differently when his baby comes along.

Have you got family and friends to support you if you were alone?
My dh works evening, which I know is not anywhere near the same as your situation, but I find it very hard being on my own with a baby 18 hours a day.

I wish you well and I hope your dp grows up. Who wants to go out drinking when you could be cuddling a gorgeous little baby

He sounds like a spoilt brat, sorry but carrying on about what he wants when you are pregnant is a sure sign of a boy, not a man. Honestly let him go, treat it as an opportunity to have some calming time for you and the dc, and enjoy your pregnancy.

I spent my last pregnancy in tears and so heartbroken because my dp turned into a absolute son of a bitch when i was pregnant. I regret letting him do this to me, but really I did it to myself because I put up with it, dont let him hurt you, or ruin your pregnancy, wave him off, you need peace and quiet not uncertainty. Good Luck.

i know i need to let go i guess i was hoping in vain that when his son was born he would change, but in reality that would be because of the baby and not ecause he loves me
he is going on holiday alone its a biking holiday to belguim again i was ok with this as i tried to respect his freedom, but i think the jokes on me! thanks again everyone xx

I really can relate to what you are going through (from my past) ending something that is part of our life is so hard especially if your pregnant no matter how unhappy it is making you ! no one can tell you what to do no matter how much you want them to, the fact that you have to ask that about your relationship suggests that in your heart you already know the answer, but as i said actually being the one to make the decision is a hard thing to do. but if you are honest the way he is behaving at the moment you already on your own, has he got other children of his own? Ribs is so right when she sys that he would probably beg to stay if you told him to go, and if he does i hope it will put a little pointer in your head of how pathetic he is, you are pregnant and he is (by the sound of it) playing games a bit, the other thing of him complaining bout your kids making noise, thats what kids do best, and he has played his part in adding to the amount of kiddie noise in your house, pregnancy is so special, my girls are 15 and 17 yrs , i spent years looking back on my pregnancies always regretting how unhappy they had been, just the being alone and unsupported,i put up with it because i was scared to do it alone, my second i was more immune to it so i kind of accepted it and was a bit happier, but i bitterly regretted not dumping him sooner, we (mums)are strongest when we are happy and our children are happiest when we are too, your children, if they know he is moaning about them, they will feel guilty everytime they see you sad, they will start to think that playing and doing the normal things kids do is wrong, put you and your kids happiness first and be strong for your kids, they will still be there giving you love hugs and kisses and most importantly making you smile and laugh long after he has walked. big hug to you, and i hope everything works out for the best, x I am now finally having the pregnancy i always felt i had missed out on, (15 yrs later)i'm 35 wks now and have a very supportive other half, who shares all the chores , cooking ect, has cut down to going out once or twice a week, and is fantastic with my teenagers (believe me they fight and make loads of noise. but if he had been a asshole i would have walked away .when you are worried about the thought of being alone remember that us mums are never on our own, we have our kids. xx

It sounds to me like he's not ready for parenthood or the responsibility an adult relationship brings. To be honest I think you'd be better off letting him go - doing it on your own will be hard, but at least you know what you're letting yourself in for - if he stays you may find that you're doing it on your own anyway but it'll seem harder because you feel like he should be helping.

Perhaps a trial separation, but let him be involved with the pregnancy as much as he wants to. Perhaps once the baby is born he suddenly realise what parenthood really means and step up - but it has to be his choice.

Either way, I hope it works out - .

this is awfully upsetting for you and he's being utterly unfair, selfish and unkind. TBH I can only echo what others have said - he'd be more of a burden to have around than if you let him go.

You don't NEED this man in your life - if he stays you'll always be wondering if he's actually wanting to leave. Imagine what it'll be like when your baby arrives; every time he cries you'll be panicking more about your DP's reaction than anything else. He won't be any help; you'll be doing it all on your own anyway.

Be strong. You can do this without him, and you just don't need this stress hanging over you during pregnancy - it's not good for you or the baby.

I'd have his bags packed, ready for him to collect when he comes home from his nice wee holiday.

I'm so sorry if this is too harsh, but I'm sorrier that you're going through this.