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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant - and horrible selfish worries/fears

9 replies

whatastate · 06/07/2008 20:06

This is going to sound awful, but I have to tell someone..hopefully other people have felt something similar?

I'm 7 weeks into a (wanted - or so I thought) pregnancy. My DS (20 months) is absolutely perfect (so far) and I love him to a frightening/unhealthy extent. I work part time in a job that I love.

But now that I'm pregnant I am so worried about having another baby - I am suddenly doubtful about whether it's a good idea. I hate the thought/fear of
a) the changes that it will make to me physically (I just don't feel myself/as confident when I'm visibly pregnant)
b) having to take time off work, when I'm just gaining momentum again after going back last time
c) the fact that I'll be able to spend less time doting on DS.
d) the baby being handicapped and the effect this will have on our family/not being able to go back ever to work (my brother is severely handicapped, my mother died early, probably from the stress of looking after him, and we have weekly battles with "the system" that is supposed to look after him).

In summary, I have been hugely lucky to have a gorgeous DS, a happy homelife and a successful career: I am wondering why the hell am I risking it all?

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sarah293 · 06/07/2008 20:07

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deanychip · 06/07/2008 20:09

but you think of all sorts dont you when faced with a huge event that will change life as you know it and that will alter your future as you once saw it.

i think that this thinking is quite normal and not awful at all.

i defy any one to come on here and say that difficult thoughts had never entered their head during pregnancy.

minouminou · 06/07/2008 20:14

all quite normal, although you may have a double dose of these worries due to your difficult experiences
you're not even remotely awful

chutneymary · 06/07/2008 20:20

I think your worries are completely normal. Pregnancy does strange things to your mind at times and you worry irrationally about odd things - at least, I do (am 17 weeks with no 3). I have 2 gorgeous DDs and have worried about all the things which you listed. Taking them in turn (as I am feeling rational at the moment):

You do feel different when you are pg because you are growing another person and another organ, and your hormones are everywhere. You don't have to lard out though, and even if you do, you can get it sorted after the baby is born.

Taking time off - you can catch up / keep in touch whilst you are away / go back when you are ready. I don't know what you do, but it may be that there is never a "good" time but you can minimise the damage, as it were, if you wish whilst you are off.

Less time, but better quality. You can love another child as much, and you appreciate the big one more. They seem so clever as they do so much compared to a newborn. You can also see things your baby does which your DS did as well as things which are unique to him / her.

A tricky one. I don't have a good answer to this but there are screening / other tests you can have in advance for some conditions, and you take the risk for others. I don't mean that to sound glib in light of your brother's situation, but Riven is right. Life isn't risk free and the baby will still be yours with his own personality and you will love him.

Having my 2nd was the most wonderful experience. I thought I would never love anyone as much as DD1 but I do and my love keeps on growing. Yours will too, you'll see. All the best.

Chooster · 06/07/2008 20:21

I also say its normal, and I had similar feelings. I adore DS1 and he's always been a real mummy's boy so he and are almost attached during the day! . We really tried for a second and lost a son at 21 weeks pregnant. He had a condition that had a one in 4 chance of occuring again and its fatal. Despite this we tried again and got the all clear with our third DS at 20 weeks.... And then the real worry set in! . What if we couldn't cope, what if my relationship with DS1 changed in a really negative way, what if the baby was poorly and needed constant care, what would that do to our family. I even worried about trivial stuff like the baby having bad colic and would I be tired all the time. Anyway, as the pregnancy progressed I calmed down a bit but it was only when DS was here and we were living as a family of 4 that I felt truly relaxed.

And now 11 months later, my relationship with Ds1 is just as strong. I adore DS2 as much as I ever did / do with DS1 and I egt so much enjoyment out of seing them together, and I know that DS1 is enjoying being a big brother.

All I'm saying is that I do think its normal and no matter what people say they can't make your worries go away, but you'll feel better once you are living the life as opposed to anticipating the worst. Good luck

Twelvelegs · 06/07/2008 20:21

Perfectly normal feelings, I have the same this time with number 4. Having two is lovely, the first time your older dc makes the baby chuckle (which he will do better than anyone) it will all be worth while!!

Elmosgirl · 06/07/2008 20:25

I felt the same when I was pregnant, DD1 was 18 months when DD2 was born, still just a baby herself.

I could never imagine how I would fit another baby into our lives, worried that I might even resent the baby or even DD1 when there didn't seem enough time in the day for everyone.

But it's all (ok mostly) been fine. I don't feel at all like I have less time for DD1, we still play as much as we ever did, just now we have a little spectator to our games / reading / playing in the garden who will hopefully join in with us in a few months.

Original poster

whatastate · 06/07/2008 20:55

Thank you for your reassurance, especially about my relationship with DS. I know that at the moment I place far too much store by him growing up "perfect". Such pressure is not fair on him.

At work I'll just have to change my focus - pushing the momentum further - rather than the "so why bother" feelings I have at the moment. It's not made easier by working in an almost all-male environment.

All easy to say - I just find it difficult to stay positive.

I realise that life is a risk - and we took a decision to try for DC2. Sometimes I wish I could ask my mother whether she regretted having second child (my brother). I love my brother dearly - but in the cold light of day I can see the effect it has had on my family - and all for what - at the moment his life really isn't a happy one. It's all rather unspeakable thinking things like that - and I apologise if I offend anyone for doing so. He's a lovely lad, and I wish I could turn his life around.

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pollykettlechips · 06/07/2008 21:10

Whatastate - your fears are normal, rational and we've all felt them at some point. I have a DS whom I love more than life itself, and ALL your fears are how i am currenlty feeling about trying to conceive DC2. As i keep telling myself, the chances are tha you will have a gorgoeus healthy baby, but of he/she is born handicapped, i think, that the urge to protect and cherish is instinctive and immediate.(though that's not so say it makes things easy) You have first hand experience of living with disablity, so you fears are based on fact, not the unknown and that makes them all the more real. But we all took the risks that pregnancy brings when we conceived our first, we take that chance when (if) we conceive our second (and third, fourth for some). And as another poster mentions, there are tests and options.

Hope your pregnancy goes smoothly and as stress free as it can be. Easier said than done, I know, but wishing you all the best.

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