not sure how much more I can handle...sorry, one big ramble!

[allconfusednotsure]

my dh is like a totally different person when he drinks. The next morning he's cheery and happy and nice to me, and he's nice and sweet up until we get home - but if we don't have sex after he's been drinking (which we don't because I think it's awful after drinking - takes too long and dont like feeling like i'm attractive only after alcohol... he knows this) - but if we don't have sex he gets into a horrible mood. He starts telling me that I don't appreciate him and I should "feel lucky" that he comes home every day after work and only goes out on a friday and I should feel lucky for all that he does for me... etc. I think I appreciate him plenty. I told him last night he was just speaking from the beer and he said, "no maybe I'm just more honest after drinking". lovely.
I'm 25 weeks pregnant and he thinks my over emotional moods are an "excuse" and that should have only been the first 3 months from what he read. He was actually raising his voice at me last night and told me "just go to bed" (like you would to a child) and "shut up and leave me alone you don't realize how good you have it".
If he does this when the baby is born I will not be able to handle it. Then I said, "I don't know if I can do this anymore" and he said "fine, then go". what is that? He is usually very loving and caring and nurturing, massages my back every night, takes good care of me - it's just after drinking. But if I tell him not to drink anymore, he will think I'm trying to control him - his stupid colleagues love their friday night drinks (but most of them can handle their beer more than my dh can). He needs to grow up and I don't know how to get him to do this and keep the lovely husband that I know so well. Feeling awful now. he's all sweet and nice again today of course, wants to go baby shopping...etc. I just don't know what to do... don't know if I can handle the drinking part (he only does it once a week + at monthly sat poker night) but can't handle this on my own either, so I need him... but I'm not a weak woman, I don't need to depend on a man, but I do love him. Just some advice/help please. sorry this is such an awful ramble!!!!

I'd post this on relationships if I were you, for more advice, but here's mine...

All men (sorry, all people) can be vile at times. However, being vile on a regular basis after drinking is a pattern, and a problem. You need to sit and talk calmly when he is sober and not hungover. Make a note of the things he says as you have here, and ask him whether he thinks they are acceptable things to say and tell him how they make you feel.

If he acknowledges how you feel and/or is shocked at what he says, you have a chance. If he denies the impact on you or brushes it under the carpet, you are in trouble.

He obviously has underlying issues about what he does for you/how 'great you have it' and thinks you should be more grateful and perhaps reward him with sex? (BTW I agree on the drunk DH being a total turn off, smelly breath, clumsy, and crap...) and this has to be dealt with, but if it's how he really feels I think you are in trouble

Your DH obviously has an issue but he doesn't sound like an all round bad guy unless he is acting all the rest of the time!. Some people do react badly to drink and undergo almost a personality transplant when drunk. They will be the last people to realise how badly they come across when this happens. You are quite right about drunken sex being a bit yuk. I imagine that you will hae already considered just giving him what he wants for a peaceful life and tbh its probably not that great a sacrifice if he is your lovely sweet guy all the rest of the time. However if you think there is some underlying issue about his feeligs for you/the marriage then maybe you should do something to let him know. It may just be every friday night but doesn't this mean that you spend the rest of the week worrying about it? I would.

If he is accusing you of overreacting I suggest that you write him a letter to read when he is sober. Explain to him what you have just written above. There may be something in his upbringing that is causing him to act like this - did he see his dad behave badly toward his mum? If he did he may be trying very hard not to be like his dad but still subconsciously feel like that is how men are supposed to act. Give him the opportunity to look within himself. Tell him that although this may seem like a non-issue to him it has the potential to poison your relationship and before this happens you want to give him the opportunity to do something about it.

good luck!

So this basically happens once a week? How revolting for you. I agree with kat, you need to confront him with what he says and does whilst he is sober. If he doesn't take immediate remedial action you need to think very seriously about your relationship and whether you want your child to grow up in the presence of someone who thinks it is okay to abuse others like this. And his drinking needs to change too. Getting in that condition every week is not the behaviour of a good father (and it may not stop at once a week either).

I think Kat has given excellent advice. OK so it's not everyday but that's not the point: it's a pattern and that's the worrying part . The advice re: rationally discuss how you feel, and then judge his response would be my suggestion too. Good luck

all good advice from everyone. I know what it's like to live with an problem drinker. I'm not saying your DH is but what I learned is that you drive yourself crazy trying to change the person and make them see the error of their ways, and I do mean crazy!. It's only my opinion but it's not how often that the person drinks or really even the actual quantity, it's what happens to them when they do drink and often the frequency of drinking increases too. Most people can control their drinking and hopefully after discussing how you feel your Dh will attempt to control his friday nights. On the other hand some people cannot control their drinking which can be really baffling to "normal drinkers" hence why we shout, scream, make threats or do anything we think to make them change. I hope that He can sort this out, but the ball is in his court. We can only change ourselves and make our own decisions for our own reasons, we,re powerless over anyone else (unfortunately). There is lots of help advice out there re drinking and how it effects the family etc.Mabye ask in your local health centre.I went down the Alnon route but that was just my journey. I really wish you all the best. xx

Can you tape him and then play it back to him the next day?

Thanks so much for all of your advice. I spoke with him over lunch today and he of course doesn't recall much of what he said but feels terrible about it and agreed that he also doesn't like what alcohol does to him but thinks he just needs to limit it to "a few drinks" and he'll be fine. i said we could TRY that but once the baby comes he can't stay out late or come home affected by alcohol at all. He really is a lovely guy and I do feel lucky to have him, I just can't stand it when he gets like that... you're right it is a pattern that needs to be stopped.
he agreed that he doesn't like how he acts toward me after drinking and is going to limit his drinks but doesn't feel he has a "problem".
I changed my name for this because I'm so embarrassed that he's acting this way!!

He may not have a problem in terms of a drink problem/addiction but he does have one in terms of the way it affects him. If he can't remember much of what he said to you then he must either have been pretty drunk or he just can't handle alcohol. He just sounds like one of those people who shouldn't drink.

He is the only person who can solve this - either he is willing to limit his intake to a level where he is able to behave properly towards you or he isn't. If it happens again I would record/write down every nasty thing he says and remind him of it the next day. Ask him what he thinks would happen if he spoke to one of his colleagues or his mates like that. He won't of course because you are the only person he can get away with doing it to. If it happens after that I would make arrangements not to be there when he gets in from his night out - this may sound melodramatic but he might need a shock and all of this will be ten times more difficult for you when there is a baby in the house.

You need to get it sorted before the baby comes.