IN ABSOLUTE PANIC

[ANXIETYCC]

I am 39, I have two primary school age kids, have been married for 10+ years. Marriage has just gone through some real challenges due to depression, drinking, betrayal - validation based. We’re having counselling. We were so happy, he’s determined and prepared to do anything to change. He’s a great dad. Long story short, after a few drinks on a holiday and emotional chats IT happened…. I got the morning after pill. I’ve just found out I'm pregnant. He’s over the moon - I am not.

6 months ago I was seriously thinking about another child. But we’re not in the right place. Time is against me. But I don’t think it’s a good enough reason to go through with it. I have had postpartum anxiety before. I need my marriage to be strong. I worry about my older children. I worry about myself and my age and body and mental health. But I can’t take being pregnant for granted. I know so many struggle.

I am not looking for judgement on my marriage - but I am looking for anyone who has been through something similar and the choice you made and why. Also anyone has had an abortion - I have no idea how it works and the short/long term affects. Any reassurance or experiences. Thank you. Please be kind.

I'm really sorry you're in this position, it sounds so hard. I've not been in it myself, but if I was I would get an abortion. A child deserves to come into a happy stable home and be loved but both parents, and as the cracks are there in yours and not healed yet I think a child would just make it a lot worse. I've read that most people who get abortions are already mothers who can't take on any more so it's competed normal. An abortion doesn't normally cause any long term effects. Hope you find the right path forward for you.

Abortions are simple enough, you get contractions (yes, can be painful) and wait. My experience was more blood than actual birth. You've had 2 babies already so it's just that but earlier and less dilation.
You're not too old, if that's what you're worried about, although I would guess this is your last chance for another child. How is your husband during the newborn stage? Supporting or not? You need to talk to him and tell him your concerns. Will he really go the extra mile to support you? Do you trust him? Can your finances cope?

Hey,

I went through a termination 3 years ago when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant again and it was not the right time. Short-term effects - the pregnancy terminates, long-term effects - none. The process itself I found very smooth and easy, there’s a couple of places you can go online - BPAS.org is a good start. I think I had a phone consultation, after which I received my treatment via post, followed the instructions and…it worked as expected. They also send you some strong painkillers but I didn’t end up needing any as I didn’t really have any cramps or pains. Worth pointing out I was 6 weeks pregnant so still very early. I did have a little baby at the time and felt absolutely fine to care for her and do everything else, we were out and about the day of and day after, I had zero downtime.
good luck!

I’ve had a surgical abortion. Physically it was fine but I had very similar hormone crash as I did after I miscarried (hair trigger crying, very bad for two weeks and then it improved over a few months). I heard that the medical management / pill can be quite painful so I chose surgical for that reason.

I think most abortion clinics can offer specialist counselling before to help you think through your decision beforehand - I would speak to your GP about setting that up. You need to figure out what is the best decision for you and stick to it. They definitely aren’t there to try to influence you either way and are obviously specialised in this area so it could be a good option for you xx

I also had a surgical abortion as I didn't want to deal with everything associated with medical (what I might see and feel, basically). I've since had a miscarriage which I imagine is similar to a medical abortion, if faced with the decision again I would probably choose surgical again but I know that I could handle either. Not sure if that's helpful, but wanted to flag there are options!

It's really interesting that @SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite mentioned the hormone crash because I think I experienced that too, I just had no idea what it was at the time. I was offered counselling sessions, I think it might have been up to three but I only went for one and found it extremely helpful so whatever you decide @ANXIETYCC I would highly recommend counselling if you can access it.

It was 13 years ago now but I don't remember much about short-term side effects and nothing long term, I've gone on to have children.

Sending love and strength OP and I hope you're able to make the best decision for you and your family xx

Thank you for all your lovely and helpful and honest messages. I am truly grateful. I think I am just terrified. And I feel whatever I decided is going to change my life forever. I am a very sensitive/anxious over thinker… and I think having one when we hadn’t ruled out 3 would affect me long term… always what if…..but then if I decide to keep it there is no going back. I have a call with the emotional support team at BPAS today….