Husband isn’t getting stuff done

[strawberrylemons]

I’m currently 17 weeks pregnant with twins, this is our first pregnancy, something we both wanted!
about a year ago I suggested moving house because we live in an old property (no heating, unstable flooring, damp, barely usable kitchen etc) which isn’t practical for babies and young children and I also don’t love our neighbours. Hubby did not want to move and insisted he would get heating installed, as well as stabling the flooring and install a kitchen (he wanted to make and install the kitchen himself!!).
Fast forward to now, our twins are due end of the year/early Jan, with the increased risk of premature labour, so it could be even sooner. Nothing about the house has changed, he’s spoken to someone about installing a heat pump and two surveys have been completed with little communication from the company about when it will be done. Whenever I ask hubby when he will be stabilising the floors he gets flustered and doesn’t answer, tonight for example, I asked again and he said he was too tired to talk, this is always his excuse.
he won’t tell me if he’s making the kitchen himself or if we’re using a company, he’s so vague.
you may wonder why I’m not doing more, it’s his inheritance that’s paying for all of this, so I feel I can only have so much input, I also want to get someone in to do the floor and kitchen but he doesn’t want to pay for this, which is fair enough, but get it done!
im in such a panic about it all, I’m so scared about being postpartum with 2 babies in a damp cold house in the middle of winter with works still going on. I’m worried I’ll have to move to my parents house (300 miles away) whilst stuff is getting done.
im not sure what advice I’m after, I think this is more of a rant, so thank you to anyone who has read this, I’m feeling a bit lonely as I don’t want to talk to friends/family because I don’t want them to think bad of my husband, who is otherwise, an amazing man.

Bloody hell. How have you been coping with no heating in winter in a damp house, are you just constantly putting logs on the fire? You need to prioritise your health and the babies health being born in the height of winter aswell. If none of this stuff has been done I would say it would rightly affect your mental health. If it hasn’t I would suggest going to your parents in December, get settled, wouldn’t come back until the house is done. Have a safe warm environment to have your newborn babies.

Is your husband struggling with his mental health?
could there be an issue with finances?
is he a skilled carpenter or he just doesn’t want to spend the money?
Has he got a workspace for building the kitchen cabinets?

If I were you I'd start getting quotes from kitchen companies/tradesmen whatever you need and putting them in front of his nose.

Sorry to ask but are you sure this money actually exists? I don't understand why he's so unwilling to spend for the comfort and safety of his newborn children unless he's gambled it away or something

Yeah logs on the fire and occasionally an electric heater, I can’t stand it, hubby runs a lot hotter than I do so doesn’t care so much, which is why he hasn’t rushed.
the trouble is, if I go to my parents, hubby won’t be there, he has his own business and won’t be taking much time off when the babies are here..
I don’t think he’s struggling, he isn’t one for challenging conversations, he’s always shut down difficult conversations (at least what he sees as difficult).
hes relatively skilled but is one of those men who starts a job and never finishes it, I think he wants to do everything because his dad (who is dead) used to potter about and make things, he installed a few things at the family home and I think hubby wants to follow in his footsteps.
he reckons he’ll make the cabinets at work, there’s a machine there that can do it but they’re always so busy at his work so I doubt it would be priority. he was supposed to do up the camper van at work back in April, ripped everything out of it and it’s still sat there waiting for its revamp.
he sees me being upset about all of this as an attack on him and his skill level, occasionally it is an attack on his inability to get jobs done but it’s mostly the stress of being a new mum of twins in a house that can’t meet our needs but he can’t see that.

I may have to do that!

I’ve been thinking about the money actually, it seems a fair bit of it has been invested in husbands company, which is fine, it’s his business and money, but I wish he’d just be honest about it. The company isn’t doing great at the moment so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s thrown more money into it than he’s telling me…

This is where I'd just threaten to do it myself and my DH would finally get his act together 😂

In all seriousness though I'd project manage it. Make a list of jobs to be done and ask him to make a start on the most important one. It's very overwhelming when you've got loads of things needing done so can be hard to achieve anything at all. I'm pregnant too and we've had so much going on that it's been difficult to prioritise jobs. We've paid off help to buy, had aircon installed, getting solar panels soon, need to redo my sons bedroom, get organised for DS starting school, combine the home office with the spare room so we can make a nursery, decorate the nursery. We've just had to pick the most important thing and work on it together to make some progress :) currently onto getting my sons bedroom done, I'm doing a lot of the research and ordering but DH will do all the physical work luckily.

I think that you will need to set a timescale. Perhaps 33 or 34 weeks. Tell him that if the house isn’t safe and suitable for newborns by that point in the pregnancy, you will have no option but to move to your parents’ house. That you will stay there until the house is safe.

This - 100%! Set a firm date that you will move out by if the house isn't safe.
I'd be really worried about where his head is at though. I think you need to sit down and have a really serious conversation about why essential work isn't being done, is it financial or just that he's procrastinating.
If it's the latter you might have to just tell him that you will sort out all the trades and he can just pay the bills but you cannot be living in a house with no central heating when you have children it's out of the question and it's terrifying he doesn't seem to get the urgency of this!

Hm all abit strange. My first thought was also , is the money there.

You both need to be able to communicate well without feeling 'attacked' . You're going to have a lot of tough decisions and conversations required raising two children!

I'd sit him down and say you want a serious chat and don't accept any strops from him.

He is a dismissive avoidant. You are fucked.

You will have to rescue yourself
if you can’t find a way of communicating with him. By text or letter or smoke signal. You are going to be up to your neck in it when the babies arrive. Move now.

Good luck x

This is really, really poor advice to the OP.
She can’t just move just like that in her current condition. The difficulties communicating with her partner can also be potentially worked on.

I think you may need to lay down the law and assert yourself, OP. Get some quotes yourself. Present them to him. Really lay it out to him that this needs to be sorted by x date for your own mental health. You’re not being unreasonable at all. Works take time and you need to act now for it to be complete by the end of the year.

I think you also need to explain to him that it’s not an attack on him or his capability, it really is a real problem that needs to be solved, and the delaying of it is causing you to feel (understandably) anxious!

The financial side of things is a potential concern and he may be getting flustered/procrastinating because he doesn’t actually have the funds readily available, so I’d be prepared for this as well. Is there another way you can finance the work if possible?

I was also going to ask if the money is there becuase he's stalling for a reason. Cash flow is the likely cause.

Absolutely this, and present it as a firm ultimatum. You'll be moving on X date if precise list of tasks isn't complete.

Say you're happy to help getting quotes, or whatever else you can do, but he HAS to have the discussion and agree a plan of action. Otherwise you'll be putting your babies first and moving somewhere suitable.