Pregnant with my second and dwelling on my first birth choices

[pregnantmama5252]

I don’t know if this is rational (or the right place for views..) but wondered if anyone else had ever felt this and can give me some much needed perspective and tips for mentally managing this. I’m pregnant with my second in my third trimester. As birth draws closer, I feel increasingly resentful and upset about my birth experience with my first (a few years ago) in a way I haven’t really thought about in ages or even felt to this degree.

The thing is, by all accounts I got what I asked for in my first birth, so I shouldn’t feel this way at all - but I do. I’d decided early on for that birth that I wanted an ECS. Part of it was general anxiety after a long period ttc with miscarriages. I also have a very close friend whom I’ve known since we were very young, whois an nhs doctor and who gave me a lot of “insider” discussion re how terrible vaginal (assisted) births were on the nhs, and how they would always opt for an ECS on the nhs as objectively the safest method. Coupled with my anxiety, and the vaginal birth trauma stories in the news at the time (like Louise Thompson) and from various other people who of course volunteered them(!), this all really got in my head. I decided I’d suck up the recovery and just opt for an ECS.

My trust were (surprisingly again given the news stories) completely supportive of that. I actually went into labour early but as it was very slow, I stuck with the ECS plan instead of waiting for a possible induction. Baby was safe and sound. Recovery was really rough, much worse than I’d expected or anything I’d heard about for an ECS, so I was upset about that, but I’d say within a month or so I was back to normal and no lasting damage besides the scar. Delved into baby life and forgot about it.

Now though.. I keep looking back and feeling so mad that I let myself be swayed so much by this friend into major surgery and that awful recovery. This friend herself had a baby last year and had a completely straightforward vaginal birth. Then when another mutual friend gave birth a couple months ago, she was vocally supporting her about having a vaginal birth and avoiding interventions like her, and I started to feel so stupid and misled. I also (which I’d never ever felt before) now feel like I’ve missed out of some exclusive club of women who’d had the “real” birth experience and it makes me feel like crap.

It’s ridiculous because this was 3 years ago, there were no lasting effects, I know plenty of others who are very happy with their c sections, and I could go for a vbac this time although of course there are more risks.

Can anyone relate to having been swayed by others’ strong birth views and later regretting it or feeling misled? Is this just second birth anxiety and third trimester hormones? I’ve been upfront with this friend (and everyone else) that I don’t want to hear any discussion of birth options or advice this time, so that’s not the issue now. I just want to stop ruminating on this and be more accepting of how things could go in any direction this time… once again I’m completely in my head, just in a different way.

I know this is a massive mental dump but I feel this is unusual as you hear so much about women who regretted feeling pressured into a vaginal birth when they wanted an ECS or an ECS would’ve been safer, but not the other round! Anyone had a similar experience or tips on how to generally gain perspective as you approach the second birth?

had you not had a straightforward vaginal birth you’d be regretting not having had an ECS. I had an emergency CS and then VBAC and the VBAC recovery was FAR worse than the CS. I think you may be feeling like this regardless of your initial choices- but are you feeling like this because you feel it wasn’t wholly ‘your’ decision and were swayed? This time around, you’re free to go in either direction, and do what you’re feeling like. You’ll pick what’s best for you and your babies- you’ve got this! Good luck!

Thank you! That’s really kind (and I’m sorry the vbac recovery wasn’t good). Yes I think that’s it - I feel the most regret at being “swayed”, as opposed to the actual outcome. When I’m at appointments this time and they ask why I had a c section, probably expecting me to say the baby was breach or something, I just don’t feel I have an answer - like it wasn’t a proper decision I made somehow.

otoh, surely everyone is swayed by external influences for their first birth (after all you have no actual experience!). I guess maybe it’s feeling I let that happen too much and didn’t trust myself to do anything else - to change my mind (before or during labour), be more positive whatever.

I can totally empathise with feeling upset about any decisions you felt were not your own.

It stands out to me that you said the NHS trust were supportive of your decisions. I found that the lovely staff were really what made the biggest difference in my birth, even when things didn’t go to plan! I would focus on the fact that you will have a supportive team around you who will do their best to give you the birth you’re wanting to have this time around xx

Have faith in yourself! You’ve clearly done some introspection and research into your options so you will be able to more confidently deal with whatever weird and wonderful things your labour and birth will throw your way.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I think it's relatively common to wonder about the "what ifs" of an alternate birth, especially now you're approaching it again and full of hormones.

I initially wanted a water birth, did hypnobirthing as well, but got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes meaning baby needed to come early. I did not want an induction (probably also based on others experiences) so decided on a planned c section. But I'm one of those that really liked it and don't regret it, and planning one again now I'm pregnant with my second. My friend had a tough recovery from her first ECS, but an amazing recovery from her second, so it can even differ for the same person.

Pregnancy and birth is complicated, and there's hardly anyone whose birth goes to the exact plan they wanted (meconium changes the plan, breach baby, 4th degree tears, baby in distress leading to emergency c section etc). I think you're probably comparing to a best case scenario which you don't know would have happened. Maybe a little therapy would help to come to terms with the last one, and help solidify in your mind what you want this time. But all you can do is make a decision on the future not change the past. Hope it goes well for you.

I really hate how all the stories you hear about birth seem to be either “awful, traumatising, never again” or “the baby just slipped out, best experience of my life.” It’s very easy for those stories to get into your head.

I also feel like on Mumsnet it’s often presented as either having an unmedicated natural birth or having a C-section, with not much in between. I would ask for an epidural very early on — personally, I would much rather have an epidural than end up needing one along with a major surgery.

I will never think of giving birth as something to look forward to (I’ve had two natural births). It was scary and painful as hell (had epidural both times but both babies came really fast). But I don’t think of mine as a bad experience, although I probably would have done some things differently.

You did what you felt was right at the time, and now you get the chance to make a different decision based on what you know and what feels right for you.

Feeling very similar not sure I can offer advice than just share my story and join you! I am pregnant with my second, had a last min growth scan with first which led to induction, baby in distress at an awkward angle so they said episiotomy, and forceps in operating theatre and I opted for emergency c section instead. Didn't need induction in the first place growth was absolutely fine. No one talked through my options. Hated everything about the c section and recovery. It still bothers me. Feeling supported with a VBAC this time round however had to have extra scans due to EMCS at full dilation. I'm often thinking did I make the right decision. Advocating for myself more this time and asking questions. It's hard to balance isn't it, maybe he needed to come early. Maybe forceps would have caused further stress on him and I did make the right decision. I suppose we will never know if we made the right decision but we made the decision we thought was right at the time.