Unexpected pregnancy with a 9 month old and feeling torn

[AccidentallyPregnantHelp]

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. I have a 9 month old. I feel so stupid because I’ve always been so careful with family planning and I can’t believe I’ve let this happen.

I’m terrified and completely torn on what to do next. I’ve really struggled with PND and anxiety, and have also really struggled with the lack of sleep and relentlessness of motherhood. I worry that I won’t be able to cope with a second baby, especially when my first will still be a baby himself. I keep looking at him and wanting to cry because it feels like I’ve failed him. He’s my whole world and how can I do this to him when he’s so young? 2 under 2 seems so intense and what if I can’t give him the attention he deserves.

On the other hand, I definitely want two children. My plan was to wait a few years before trying again. What if I were to have an abortion then couldn’t get pregnant again? A bit of me also wonders if long term this would be better? I could get the baby stage out of the way faster, and in a few years we could do family days out and holidays without having to factor in a small baby or me being pregnant. I also dislike my job and plan to make moves to get something new in the next year or so. Maybe it’s better to get two maternity leaves out of the way in this job instead of having to factor in the timing and finances to a potential new job.

I know no one here has the answer but I have no one else I can talk to apart from my partner

Only you can decide. I’d terminate as I’d hate to have 2 babies so close, but others might feel differently.

2 under 2 is intense, but many many people do it! Depending on the amount of support you have (or can buy) it’s very doable. Without support it’s a lot, but again, a lot do it! Mine were not quite 2 under 2 (mine are 25m apart) but it was hard to begin with and now they are fun chaos. We don’t have family close by, so the early days were hard.

in you position I think I’d buckle up for a wild
ride and go for it. You definitely haven’t failed your baby, he’ll never know any different than having a sibling.

This is a very personal decision. There are plus points to having two close together though, as you have mentioned.
You haven’t failed your DS at all, lots of people have siblings close in age.
There is only 18m age gap between me and my brother and I never remember feeling jealous or neglected as a child, i actually can’t remember before he was born so it’s quite nice really he has just always been there! We were really close as young children because we were pretty much at the same stage so played together loads

I was in a similar situation. It took us ages and fertility treatment to have ds1 then ds2 came along literally the first time of trying. Then ds2 was premature so we ended up with an 18 month gap. It was fine though although exhausting.

Go ahead with it. Your baby will be about 18 months old and you'll get the baby years out of the way. It will be tough but it would be tough anyway.
Mine are 15 months apart.

From friends I got the message that the 2.5 - 3.5 yrs age gap was the hardest because the DC1 is going through the 'I'm in charge here' phase.

Whatever your decision, good luck, and you've definitely not failed anyone.

We have absolutely no support which is another concern. We could stretch to part time nursery for my son while i’m on maternity leave but in terms of family support that’s been non existent. It’s part of why I’ve struggled so much. The idea of terminating is heartbreaking but I just don’t know if I can do this

My 2 eldest were 18 months apart, number 2 came along 6 months sooner than we planned, but we were happy, we never faced secondary infertility or taking ages to conceive, I know lots of people who faced this. It was hard work in the short term but also lovely too. We had a third with a 3.5 age gap after the 2nd (I'd have liked a smaller gap between 2 and 3 but held off for career related reasons). I actually liked the small age gap they are at the same stage and like the same things plus if you are only having 2 you aren't coming out of the baby stage then having to go back into it, your career is back on track sooner too.

If you don't want a baby now though, you don't have to obviously, but I'm not sure I could get my head around aborting and trying again in a couple of years time. Everyone is different though and you have the choice.

There's never enough money. If there was a 3 or 4 year gap, there would be something like a childminder to pay for.

You will get either 15 or 30 hours free childcare for your older child whilst on maternity leave.

I’m sorry you’re so upset, but you’re not a bad mum at all. These things happen.

I had a 16 month gap out of choice and am so so pleased we did as they are very close (older girl, younger boy) and they have always been into similar things at the same time which has made life so much easier. They get on really well despite being very different personalities.

I will admit that when I gave birth to DC2, I was absolutely floored with guilt for DC1, but I honestly don’t think that would have felt any different if she had been older.

That first year was challenging, but I genuinely have fond memories too.

I can’t advise but I understand exactly how you are feeling - I have just found out Im pregnant with my fourth and it has been a complete shock and really bad timing as we didn’t want anymore. I hope you are ok x

There is 60 seconds between two of my children and I’m a lone parent. It’s fine. Better than the alternative in that like you say if you couldn’t conceive again you’d always wonder what if. There is never the right time or the right amount of space or money or anything really. What matters is that you enough love to go around

I got pregnant with my second at 13m, so a slightly bigger gap but still 2u2. I found it easy at first but then really hard when the youngest got mobile and half 2 toddlers.

But:

• now at 7&9 they are the closest siblings I know. Their bond is so close and they are eachothers best friends. It doesn't always happen, but it makes it more likely. Their interests are the same, they play together with the same friends.
• because of the advice they entertain eachother really well most of the time.
• they are also rubbish sleepers. If I'd waited until my first was sleeping through, I might only just be pregnant with my second. Second one also is a rubbish sleeper. I've had 9 years of rubbish nights, but I could have been at 16 and counting! Sometimes it's you wait until they are easier, you'll be waiting longer than you expect basically.

I had a 19 month age gap by choice and never regretted it. It meant they went through stages together, they are very close and I am still young now they are young adults. Go for it!

2u2 here and I was 43. Almost 44. 6 years later and I’m still alive and kicking, and we’ve had very little support. My boys are absolute terrors, but so much the better for having each other. Only you can decide, but once it happens, mostly, it’s fine.

Just stopping by to say, I can see some good arguments here for barrelling on and having two close together. BUT you can choose to end the pregnancy and if that's the self preservation option and has upsides for your existing child too, do that. There are no guarantees in life and you could find another pregnancy is easy or very hard to achieve later, regardless of a termination now.

Unfortunately we’re in Scotland so no funded hours here till 3

I haven’t read all the comments but just wanted to share my story so you know you are not alone- years of trying and ivf for number 1. Assumed same for number 2, came off contraception to prepare for trying from 12 months as planned, was still breastfeeding round the clock , only had one period and boom pregnant again slightly later than you at 10.5 months post partum. Found out 2 weeks before my first babies 1st baby.

I Really struggled with it, which was a big learning curve for me after ivf as I never could have imagined feeling like that about a pregnancy which I had been so desperate for. I think it’s hard when you feel out of control. I worried the whole pregnancy about how I would cope and never really came to terms with it.

but you know what- it’s been wonderful. I have a 1 week under 20 month gap. Second baby was more difficult than first but still managed. It was hard but I honestly think unless you have a 4-5+ year age gap all gaps are hard and all have pros and cons.

major pros-

• my first was still napping for 2-3 hours per day all through my pregnancy and the first 18 months of my second babies life. Absolutely life saver. I even got 3 months at the end where both napped at same time- bliss.
• they both go to childcare at same place and wil only have one year of separate drops off when at school. Huge plus imo as I’m already late in morning as it is.
• with funded childcare nursery costs are still less than we used to pay for my first pre funding (they go 3 days per week)
• they are both in to the same toys, books, days out which make planning easy
• I can pack nappy bag with either of their clothes and if Iv forgotten a change for one I can squeeze the other in to same outfit!

cons for balance

• pregnancy was hard not going to lie- I don’t think my body at time to recover. But I do think a lot of second pregnancies harder
• it was hard initially when could not leave the older one alone at all to sort baby out as she was still so young.

overall I would not change it for the world and now they are 3 and 2 I wish I could go back and tell myself not to worry and that I would be the luckiest women in the world!

I think only you and your partner can make decision about terminating. I think you just can’t plan life and you never know what is going to happen- one question to ask is if you did terminate and you then could not get pregnant for whatever reason and that option of a second was taken away, how would you then feel ? I think the answer to that can help give you clarity .
Good luck

I got pregnant with DS2 more quickly than expected. It took ages to conceive DS1 so we thought we'd get started trying when he was seven months old. I didn't expect it to happen first time, but it did. So there's a 16 month gap between them. It was hard work but doable, and I can't deny I felt a bit guilty for DS1. However, we got through it and the boys have grown up very close. Only you can decide what to do but if you go ahead it'll be OK.

My sons were born really close together and although it was hard going at times, it was the best thing I ever did. I never seriously contemplated termination, it was more a case of 'buckle up, here we go!' My boys were best friends growing up and still are, as adults. There is 13 months between them and when they were little, people often mistook them for twins. If you want two children, go for it. Tell your midwife and your health visitor of your worries. They will support you. Sending love and strength.

Thanks for everyone’s input. I really appreciate it.

I’m still not sure what to do. I have booked with an abortion provider to discuss my options, but I’m not feeling 100% on it. The main concern is the nursery fees. Even with flexible working, it’s going to be close to £2000 a month which is my entire paycheck. This would be for 8 months until my sons funded hours kick in at 3 (I’m in Scotland so no childcare funding at all until the month after they turn 3). It would absolutely wipe us out financially. It just seems so backward that if me and my partner didn’t work, we’d get childcare funding a year earlier and I wouldn’t have to be making this decision, but because we both earn average salaries we’re entitled to nothing and have to consider this.

My health is another factor. My son was born by c section and I was told to preferably wait 12-18 months before getting pregnant again. I’m not sure how bad this pregnancy could be for my health. I’m hoping my appointment will help me get some insight on that