Unexpected pregnancy with a five year age gap and feeling overwhelmed

[RosieJay30]

Might be a long one .. I've just found out I'm pregnant with baby number 2, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, we did not want another baby, we were protected but these things happen. Basically I'm terrified, our daughter will be 5 when baby is born and that's quite a big age gap. They will never be at the age when they want to play with the same stuff. I also found parenting really stressful and I struggle with patience as it is, how will I cope with two, I have my partner for support and my mum is incredibly supportive but us having a number baby is going to put so much pressure on her, she's just turned 60 I can't be asking her to pick my two kids up from school everyday I'm in work and all holidays. I had a consultation for an abortion and received the tablets, i
just don't think I can live with the regret if I take them and wish I didn't, I'm so lost and scared.

Well done for taking the first step to an abortion - it sounds like it's right for you. Most women don't regret abortions.

This is a really really really personal decision and I am so glad I live in a place where women are able to make choices about their own bodies.

Only you know what is best and because of that you will absolutely make the right decision.

5 years and 10 months between my last 2 dc..they are and always have been very close.

But if you were one and done that's your choice also.

Just wanted to reassure you about the age gap thing - my sister and I have a four year age gap and we are really good friends. I liked being the big sister and helping with her when she was a baby, reading to her, teaching her things etc. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, we still had the usual squabbles and we both sometimes got frustrated when she couldn't join in with things I wanted her to, but on the whole it was great. We played a lot together, imaginary games etc, playing in the garden... And I'm so glad we have each other now as adults. If I'd had a second child I would have chosen a 3-5 year age gap.

I had a similar situation with a positive test during a hospital procedure for something else after we'd decided no more after our first, I would've terminated, hospital said to keep checking as I have hormonal issues that can cause false positives, and within 10 days I was testing negative and had a period, but if I hadn't I would've terminated. It's ok to make decisions about your own body. DH has now had a vasectomy as my visceral reaction to that scare told me everything I needed to know

Can you talk through the options with a counsellor before you make a decision. It sounds like you are really struggling to make a decision.
I know plenty of people with a 5+ age gap between children and it has been absolutely fine. And some people plan it, so they only have one set of nursery fees etc.
You say your mum is 60 - but unless she is really unwell, that is not necessarily a negative thing!
Further down the line you may need to consider sterilisation for you or partner to ensure you can't get pregnant again.

I have a 5 year age gap and for me so far it has been good . I’ve seen other people with the classic 2 -3 year age gap and it looks so much more stressful . My five year old could dress himself , brush his teeth and help me out in the morning by handing me nappies etc . Then i had time alone with the baby when he was in school etc . I wanted my child to have a sibling . They don’t play much together at the moment but like each other and there is practically zero jealousy . I woudnt let the age gap stop you but it is a completely personal decision no one else can tell you .

If you want to terminate OP, go ahead. There is no law in this country that says just because conception happens you have to go through with it. Do what is right for you and your family.

But I honestly wouldn't worry about the age gap - if you decide to continue it will be fine - and as PPs have said it will probably be easier than a smaller gap. My DM and her DSis (my aunt) have seven years between them and are extremely close and always have been.

Thank you everyone for your replies and support. I have been wondering if the age gap may be a bit easier with a 5 year old than a 2/3 year old. I think I selfishly just felt like I was getting some independence back with her starting reception and now I'm going back to square one and that's what worries me too which may sound awful. .. thank you so much again for your message though x

How fit is your mother and is she still working?

I’m 65 and I would have no problem with picking up grandchildren from school every day and looking after them for some of the holidays. I don’t have grandchildren myself yet but I know many women my age and older who do that.

I obviously wouldn’t be able to do it if I was still working, but I am retired.

She does still work, she's a young at heart mum/nanny and is obsessed with my daughter and will honestly have her whenever she can, but I know it gets tough for her when my daughter wants her to run around and play with her all the time (she has a bad knee and asthma) and in the holidays she would have them both all day while I'm at work and I just don't want to put that on here I have said to her that I will try and save more and sort out childcare for some days (I think she will end up telling me not to) I just can't help but feel that my decision is affecting everyone else so much

I am exactly in the same place and also considering termination but I don’t think that I have that courage. My daughter is also 4 and this morning her saying that she is bored because she doesn’t have a sibling made everything much more harder. Personally I am not craving for another baby and don’t want to go through all newborn stuff even when I think about it I feel extremely stressed and upset. If the pregnancy didn’t happen by accident I wouldn’t make any effort to give her a sibling but now the potential sibling is officially there and I don’t know what to do.

6year age gap here and like you it took awhile to sink in. My two have always been close, yes there are times when the age gap seems huge when ds left for uni ds was only 11. But they have always made time for each other and now aged 19 and 25 they love being together, they go on trips together. They are close. It will be fine.

Everyone I know with a big age gap with older girl says it’s dreamy like having an assistant who wants to help with the new dolly

What??

Not talking about it and not regretting it are two completely different things.

Stop pretending abortion is some emotionless decision that people just forget about. Women carry it with them for years, even if they believed it was the right choice at the time.

Even when someone believes abortion was the best option they had, that doesn't mean it leaves no emotional scars.

My nephew just turned 8 and his little brother is 2.5, 3 in October. They’re both ivf kids and had to delay second pregnancy due to Covid. They both get on very well, yes the younger annoys the older sometimes but the older wanted a sibling for so long so now he has one. Younger one follows older around like a little shadow and wants to do everything he does, though they’re completely different kids in what they both like.

I'm in EXACTLY the same position as you. I really don't want to start all over again . Especially when she's just about to start school.

Thank you for this comment ❤️

This was on my mind today. With everything going through my head, my daughter asked me to dress her doll and handed her to me and said ' here you go, just watch her head' and was just holding her going ' it's ok sweetie' my heart felt so full but then all the scary thoughts creep back in. X