Hello all,
TW: Before you read I do apologise if this triggers anyone who is trying to get pregnant, I know it may sound ungrateful but I cannot stop how I feel. I also apologise if this sounds ableist. I have grown up around disabilities and I have seen the struggles.
Me and my partner have two amazing DC, I love the pants off them. We decided to go for a third, very planned, very wanted. However, since finding out I was pregnant I have only had a week of being happy. Every other waking second has been devoted to firmly believing there is something wrong with the baby.
All I do is go onto threads that say intuition was right. I look at statistics of severe disabilities and I 100% believe the baby will be severely disabled. All the tests so far, including private ones, have come back low risk or negative but I still don't want to continue the pregnancy because of this fear. In the private scan I was disappointed it had a heartbeat. My partner says he won't stop a termination but because it was a planned baby he doesn't think he would forgive me, so I'm stuck in this horrible pit where I firmly believe this will destroy the lives of my DC but I have to carry it on otherwise our family will be destroyed.
I told my midwife I'm worried about it having severe issues but she wrote down she wasn't worried. I had antenatal anxiety with my first and couldn't talk about the baby for 9 months, but it was different fears.
I feel like because I know so firmly it must be true, an intuition thing, and if I stop believing it's true and start to bond then it will happen because I was stupid enough to believe different. That having three children is greedy anyway and because of my greed I will be punished, that I can't possibly have a happy ending.
I know in my head, if someone was telling me this, I would know it's bonkers. But cannot stop myself from believing it.
I don't know why I'm posting this really. Maybe to hear of similar stories and how it turned out? My midwife wasn't interested and my partner just gets angry now because he is being stopped from being happy. I'm on my own with Google.