I am 36 years old, DH is 35. We have just found out that I’m pregnant with #4 and (TW) I think I need to terminate.
We already have 3 beautiful children, aged 8, 6 and 2. Our road to baby #3 was really hard and heartbreaking - when we started trying, there would’ve been about a 2 year age gap between #2 and #3. In the almost 2 years that followed, however, I had 4 miscarriages with 0 explanation (all testing etc came back normal, it was deemed unexplained secondary infertility). We had just about given up on having a third, as we didn’t want to explore IVF (due to cost mostly), but were NTNP. I then fell pregnant and we had our miracle third. The pregnancy was pretty awful - I had a big bleed at 11 weeks (lost over 100ml of blood in one gush plus continued bleeding) and the hospital was convinced I’d miscarried again but there was baby tucked away safely the following morning on scan. I had bleeding on and off throughout that pregnancy and was wrought with fear that I was going to lose the baby. My labour started with - surprise surprise - bleeding but ended up going really well and baby was safe and healthy (as was I).
DH has been very clear that he is done having kids. He was pretty content with 3 as it was, but he says he cannot watch me go through a loss or difficult pregnancy again. I completely understand - I don’t know how my mental health would cope with another pregnancy after everything, and it was really hard on DH too and I can’t put him through that again. Even so, it’s been hard for me to accept, as I would’ve loved to have 4 or 5 kids. So since #3 was born, I’ve been slowly coming to terms with the fact they’re my last. DH has been wanting to get a vasectomy. I asked him to hold off until #3 was 2. He still hasn’t had it done, combination of me still not being quite there yet and just having had a lot going on (sadly we lost my MIL at the start of the year and DH is her executor, so there’s been a lot going on there).
We had an incident on my birthday back in late May where the condom came off. We’d been out for drinks with friends so were both fairly drunk and didn’t notice until afterwards. Cue panic from DH. I admittedly assumed we were fine - my cycle is pretty consistent at 30-32 days with the odd longer one (up to 45 days) thrown in every 6-8 months. My period had only been finished for 3 days, I wasn’t expecting ovulation until the end of the following week at the absolute earliest. But seems the universe had other plans and I must’ve ovulated the earliest I have ever ovulated in my history of having a period.
The line appeared immediately and I think I went into shock, but I burst into tears the second I saw DH. Clearly I’m not happy about this pregnancy. I’m still in shock, but I’m also terrified and anxious and stressed. DH has previously hinted that we would need to end a possible pregnancy, but after the test this morning has just said we’ll figure out what to do together.
After everything we went through to get #3 I’m not sure I could bring myself to terminate. Part of me also bitterly thinks that, based on my history, it’s unlikely to make it anyway. But could I live with myself if I didn’t give it the chance? Then there’s the mental health aspect - I’m going to spend the pregnancy terrified of losing it. And then stressed about my negative hormones passing to the baby. I did not enjoy my last pregnancy at all; the thought of doing it again makes me so anxious and want to cry.
If you’ve beared with me this long, thank you. I’m not sure what I even hope to achieve by posting, I’m just working through my thoughts I guess.